At any given moment, there are roughly eight million taxicabs roaming the streets of New York and roughly eight million and one commuters trying to hail them. In this citywide game of musical chairs, you have to do all that you can to avoid being odd man out. You have to be fast, stealthy, and aggressive.
There’s only one way to make it on Broadway—you’ve got to be noticed. And there’s only one way to get to Broadway, or Sixth, or Seventh Avenue—you’ve got to be noticed. What else are you going to do, take the bus like some kind of troll? Ride a bike like that dick Lance Armstrong?
The following is a three part guide to stalking your prey, taking it down, and making it take you where you want to go, even if that includes Bushwick.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
[Ed. Note: This guide is intended for hailing yellow taxis only. You can keep on driving, fancy black cab, we don’t want you. No, keep going. Well, how much to the Meatpacking District? Seriously? How ‘bout ten—we’ll tip good. Whatever, your loss.]
At any given moment, there are roughly eight million taxicabs roaming the streets of New York and roughly eight million and one commuters trying to hail them. In this citywide game of musical chairs, you have to do all that you can to avoid being odd man out. You have to be fast, stealthy, and aggressive.
There’s only one way to make it on Broadway—you’ve got to be noticed. And there’s only one way to get to Broadway, or Sixth, or Seventh Avenue—you’ve got to be noticed. What else are you going to do, take the bus like some kind of troll? Ride a bike like that dick Lance Armstrong?
The following is a three part guide to stalking your prey, taking it down, and making it take you where you want to go, even if that includes Bushwick.
May the odds be ever in your favor.
[Ed. Note: This guide is intended for hailing yellow taxis only. You can keep on driving, fancy black cab, we don’t want you. No, keep going. Well, how much to the Meatpacking District? Seriously? How ‘bout ten—we’ll tip good. Whatever, your loss.]
Choosing Your Battleground
PART I: LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
Hailing a cab starts long before you even see a cab. It starts the moment you decide you want to hail a cab, because the first decision you need to make is where you're going to hail it from.
Obviously you want the taxi going in your direction, but do you want it coming from the end of your block or the start? If you're on 23rd street between Second and First Avenue, do you want to be on 23rd and 2nd or 23rd and 1st? (The original draft of Moneyball was actually about figuring this out, but Brad Pitt wanted to wear a baseball cap in the movie.)
Always go to the far corner. This may seem counterintuitive—that's a lot of curb for someone else to jump in and beat you to the punch. But while everyone is bunched up on the near corner like it's the last lifeboat on the Titanic, someone is going to get dropped off between you and them and you'll suddenly have first dibs to a fresh, virgin, taxicab. (Actually, the taxi will not actually be fresh. And, it will definitely not be virgin.)
Strength In Numbers
The far corner is your best bet, but it doesn't mean it's a good bet. Them's the breaks, and when it comes to NYC taxis, those are the only brakes you're going to get.
If you've got the manpower, the wisest move is to occupy every part of your intersection as if it were a game of Risk. Send scouts upriver like you're Ulysses S. Grant. And, despite having what amounts to be four-hundred dollar walkie-talkies in your pockets, be sure to yell and scream at each other from across the street when you finally find a car. That way, by the time you get your friends' attention, some savvier hailer has stolen your cab from right under your nose. And with your companions jaywalking their way towards you, you've now lost your other corners as well, just like you lost Ukraine. You suck at Risk, don't you?
The moral of the story? Be the savvy guy who stole the cab.
Timing is Everything
You might be wondering what timing has to do with location. But in a four-dimensional space-time reality, timing has everything to do with location. It's science. Albert Einstein would agree, and if there was one dude who could hail a cab like nobody's business, it was Albert Effing Einstein. Know your rush hours.
Also be aware of what day of the week it is. Taxis go where the fares are. If it's Tuesday at 5pm and everyone is leaving work, Midtown and the Financial District will be swimming in yellow.
If you're not there, be on the avenues coming out of there and hope for the best. If it's Saturday at 8pm, the same applies for the Village. And Uptown. And Downtown. And the West and East sides.
You didn't really think it was gonna be that easy, did you?
The Whistle
PART II: TECHNIQUES
Once you've nailed down a home base to hunt from, there's a variety of techniques at your disposal. One of the most classic, and for a reason, is the whistle.
Unless you're wearing April O'Neil's yellow jumpsuit or something similar, you're going to blend right in with the other trillion New Yorkers on the sidewalk. It makes sense to use another sense to get a cabbie's attention, and taste is definitely not your best bet. So you go with sound.
What kind of whistle works best? Remember, you're not just competing with the cacophony of a densely populated metroplex. The driver is also shielded by his vehicle. More than likely, his windows are shut tight, to keep the stink in. (Or, theoretically, out.) Also, he's either got his radio blaring (either Hot 97 or conservative talk radio, usually, for some reason) or more likely, is arguing with and threatening someone via bluetooth.
This makes your best bet the Fingered Whistle, with at least two digits in your mouth to achieve maximum high-pitched annoyance. Drivers will pull over just to make you stop, or to see what kind of person actually hails cabs like that. But it gets the job done. Some believe the more fingers you jam in your mouth, the better. Some will even double-fist it. Find the ridiculous gesture that best suits your needs.
But don't use your rape whistle. That's just going to end badly for everyone involved.
The Flail
Maybe you can't whistle at all. You might be a hell of a snapper, but that's not really going to help you out in this situation. Rather than try to practice whistling in a sexy, seductive manner like putting your lips together and blowing, you can just flail your arms around like a big idiot.
Unhinging your shoulders and waving your limbs in all directions as fast as possible like you're one of those inflatable air-dancing tube dolls is a great way to grab a cabbie's attention. Always remember to stretch first and forget that you are an adult human being in a modern urban setting who once had dignity. Incoherent yelling increases efficiency by fifteen percent.
Try to imagine you're not flagging down an automobile but rather landing an airplane in thick fog. Just be careful not to use actual FAA hand signals or a 747 will land on your face. And they won't go to the Bronx, either.
The Sexy Leg (a.k.a. The Hail Mary)
If your mouth has gone cracker dry from excessive whistling, and you've dislocated both shoulders with your flailing-gone-wrong, you may have to resort to the Sexy Leg. Pioneered by Baby Boomer hitchhikers, hiking up your skirt and showing some skin is a last ditch method to getting someone—anyone—to give you a lift.
Make sure you have the cherubic, hairless gams of David Beckham if you're going to even attempt this technique. Using cleavage is always a bad idea though. You want the driver to pull over, not distractedly crash into a newsstand.
The App
Sometimes it's just best to call a car service ten minutes before you're ready to leave. Since people no longer use their phones for phone calls, a variety of smartphone apps have popped up to assist you in ditching the last vestige of human interaction New York had left.
E-hail apps are still relatively new and sprouting up more by the day, so it's too soon to tell which will be the Facebook of taxicab programs and which will be the MySpace. (And which poor bastard will be the Friendster.)
Regardless, these are probably the future of hailing cabs, at least for the few remaining years we still need to go out and do things in person. Keep in mind that as soon you order a taxi via phone or app, twenty available cabs will drive right past you, like black flies in your Chardonnay.
DO Be Sober
PART III: DO'S AND DON'TS
There are two types of cabbies in this world: those who will take advantage of you when you're wasted, and those who will want nothing to do with you. Either way, it's best to avoid drinking and hailing whenever you can.
The smart drivers will pick up on your condition right away and turn you down as you press your face against their passenger window and ask repeatedly if they're "open." The rest will jack the meter by taking scenic routes and, if you're dumb enough to fall asleep in the back of their cab, just start circling the airport like the bus from Speed.
Projectile vomit may seem like an innovative way to grab a cabbie's attention, but the only drivers okay with pulling up into a puddle of your own sick are the drivers you don't want taking you home at night.
DO Be White
Yeah, we went there. Cab drivers ignoring people of color is an unfortunate stereotype, but it's one of those unfortunate stereotypes that unfortunately happens to be true. (Not all of the time, but a good rule of thumb is to add five minutes to your hailing time for every state you'd be uncomfortable to drive through by yourself.)
When Eddie Murphy was just nineteen and already making waves on Saturday Night Live, he needed a white staffer to come down to Rockefeller Plaza and hail a taxi for him. Now he's a legendary, multi-millionaire, Oscar-nominated pop culture superstar, and he still has to resort to the Sexy Leg and hope for the best.
DON'T Dive Into Traffic
This may seem counter-intuitive after forty-five minutes of futile hailing, but jumping in front of an oncoming bus is not the way to go. As each yellow cab passes in complete ignorance of your very existence, you may find yourself leaning over the curb further and further, edging into traffic step by step. Maybe if you're directly in the path of a taxi it will have to stop, you think, for the last time ever.
But you'd be wrong. Stopping in the middle of the road and causing instant gridlock isn't your job. It's the cabbie's, and he'll be offended that you're trying to steal his thunder. Treat a taxi like you would a subway train. You wouldn't wait for that on the third rail, would you?
Just be patient, and keep the preceding tips in mind. It may seem difficult at first, but eventually, after many years of dedicated training, you should be able to successfully flag down a cab. Then it'll be smooth sailing for the six blocks you needed to go. Unless you hail the dreaded, elusive Cash Cab. Then you just better make sure you've been boning up on your Ancient European History.