Image via Complex Original
The race for New York’s next mayor is heating up. And with support for one of its biggest, most visible candidates, Anthony Weiner, rapidly declining, there’s now a seven-inch hole to fill on the ballot.
Not just anyone has what it takes to run the Big Apple, though. It’s a big city with a big personality and it needs someone with an even bigger personality to call the shots. Or at least someone with a lots and lots of money, like Michael Bloomberg.
Celebrities have both. Some have toyed with the idea of throwing their hat in the race, others don’t even know just how right for the role they are. The following big fish are ideal candidates to swim in New York’s big pond.
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10. Judge Judy
Most likely to: Tell us to spit out our gum
Brooklynite Judith Sheindlin calls it like she sees it and knows her way around New York’s legal system. Who better then to take over City Hall? She could even bring faithful bailiff Byrd along and, while she’s at it, a few TV cameras. She’d be the most popular television mayor since the McCheese administration.
Mayor Judy would also continue former Mayor Giuliani’s tough war on public urination by adding extra fines for claiming that it was just raining.
9. Alec Baldwin
Most likely to: Always. Be. Mayoring.
Alec Baldwin has been threatening to run for mayor since before his head got accidentally inflated on the set of Malice. The man is unapologetically liberal, and also kind of a dick about it, like a left-wing version of Ted Nugent. But he fights for what he believes in, whether it’s marriage equality, or playing some Words With Friends while the plane is taking off.
Mayor Baldwin would continue Bloomberg’s crusade for healthier living, if his angry phone calls to his "rude pig" of a daughter (who was, uh, 11 years old at the time) are any indication.
8. Martin Scorsese
Most likely to: Hire Leonardo DiCaprio as the new Police Commissioner
You just need to look at what happens to the outlaws of his films to know that Marty Scorsese is tough on crime. He was born and raised on the mean streets of Queens and even wrote the concept of the city’s anthem “New York, New York”. He knows the value of a competent taxi driver and if The Departed is any indication, the man has it out for rats.
Just remember that if we elect Martin Scorsese, he won’t be here to amuse us anymore. Like some sort of clown.
7. Derek Jeter
Most likely to: Wear a pinstripe suit to City Hall
Derek Jeter might have been born in New Jersey, but the Yankees captain has more than earned his keep in New York. If he can do for the city what he’s done for the Bronx Bombers since 1995, it’d be in great shape. Then kind of fall apart a little. Then get great again. If he ever actually settled down with one his bombshell girlfriends, we’d probably also have the hottest First Lady of New York since Marie Fisher LaGuardia.
Though, if Jeter ever gets off the disabled list, we might get stuck with an A-Rod administration. Word has it he’s going to have a lot of free time on his hands.
6. Donald Trump
Most likely to: Produce his birth certificate at his inauguration
Donald Trump has made no secret that he would like to be President of the United States. We might have to give him New York City just to shut him up already. A Trump administration could bode well for the five boroughs, though, considering he’s made millions off its real estate.
One benefit would be a new City Hall, two hundred stories high with a casino on every floor, named, appropriately, Trump City Hall. There’s a good chance there’d also be a Trump Penn Station, Trump Central Park, and Trump Staten Island.
5. Taylor Swift
Most likely to: Never ever ever get the 2nd Avenue Subway together
There’s a lot of reasons Taylor Swift is an unlikely choice for New York’s next mayor. She was born in Pennsylvania, she lives in Nashville, she’s only twenty-three years old. But in her famous VMA performance of “You Belong With Me” she did what no other Gotham politician could ever do: make commuting fun.
And don’t listen to Kanye West, Taylor—Beyonce would’ve made a terrible mayor.
4. Kelsey Grammer
Most likely to: Listen to citizen’s complaints on morning talk radio
While Kelsey Grammer’s most famous role, Dr. Frasier Crane, might’ve worked out of Boston and Seattle, the distinguished actor has been expressing interest in running for New York’s top spot. Considering the Republican party has held City Hall for twenty years, one of Hollywood’s most prominent right-wing celebrities isn’t the craziest choice.
And while he has no prior political experience, he has something even better: TV political experience, having won the Golden Globe for playing Chicago’s evil dying mayor in Boss.
3. Tina Fey
Most likely to: Write the bestselling memoir, Mayorpants
While Alec Baldwin has openly courted the idea of running, Tina Fey has always been his more practical, level-headed counterpart. They have very similar political leanings, but Tina is just impossible to hate, even when portraying Sarah Palin.
The idea of a Fey Administration is exciting when you consider the New York City she dreamed up in 30 Rock: annual salutes to fireworks, Beeper Kings, and neighborhoods called Gaytown, White Harlem, and Van Beardswick.
2. Bill Clinton
Most likely to: Play the sax on the subway to let off some steam
Hillary Clinton’s probably going to be busy the next few years, and her husband is going to have a lot of time on his hands. He’s not a stranger to New York either; just like your typical NYU grad, he finished his term by moving to Harlem, where he established his office and several of his charities.
Being mayor of the Big Apple isn’t like being mayor anywhere else, and it might take a former President to really handle all the responsibilities. While the 4 train isn’t exactly Air Force One, Mayor Clinton would have the charm, wit, and likability New Yorkers want to see in their leader.
And with the city’s smoking ban, we’ll never have to worry about any scandals involving cigars.
1. Jay-Z
Most likely to: Blast "Made In America" from the speakers of his campaign bus
New York’s got 99 problems at the very least and the most obvious candidate to tackle them would be Hova himself. Despite a hard-knock life, Shawn Carter rose up from the Marcy Projects to become a multi-millionaire, like the Michael Bloomberg of the Streets. He also achieved the impossible: bringing basketball back to Brooklyn, even after it seemed that the Nets would never leave New Jersey.
Working across the aisle would be a cinch for the head of Roc Nation. If Jay-Z can collaborate with Kanye West without resorting to violence, then dealing with the various political groups of New York City would be nothing. With his hand in everything from music labels to hotels, all Jay-Z has to do is ask and we’ll practically give him the Big Apple.
Come on already, Jay-Z. Put a ring on it.