17 Reasons You Shouldn't Move to New York City

We’ve all heard the songs. New York, New York, it’s a hell of a town. This is the city of all cities, the center of the world. This is where dreams are made.

Or come to die. New York may attract the best and the brightest, but it also attracts the worst and the dimmest. For every Anne Hathaway, we have a Lindsay Lohan. For every Donald Trump, we have a Donald Trump.

Before you make the big move to the big city, there’s a lot you need to consider. Make a pros and cons list. On the pros side, you can include everything you’ve learned from the movies and TV shows that wax rhapsodic about life in the Big Apple. On the cons side, you can list all the cons and ex-cons that live here, ready to take advantage of a naive newcomer. Then add this list of 17 Reasons You Shouldn't Move to New York City, and try someplace a little less intimidating, like Baghdad.

RELATED: The 10 Worst Public Bathrooms in NYC
RELATED: NYC Tourists Waiting in line for Crappy Things
RELATED: 25 NYC Tourist Activities That Are Actually Cool
RELATED: 24 Hours on the New York Subway

17. Interrupting Movie Shoots

At any given moment, no matter what time of day, there are roughly four million film productions taking place on the streets of Manhattan. And that's not including Law & Order. You can tell when you're getting close to one when hot dog carts subtly morph into trailers, or if they belong to A-listers, fortified land yachts.

Then you'll inevitably reach the Location Shoot's version of a bouncer: the obnoxious twentysomething Production Assistant, who will hold his hand up to you and stop you in your tracks without ever uttering a word or establishing eye contact. If you aren't immediately forced to backtrack and circle around, he will pretend to look important while using the walkie-talkie clipped to his belt until you are finally allowed to pass, indicated by another silent wave, this one accompanied with his eyes rolling.

Another problem you might encounter is the eye and neck strain you'll receive from attempting to see anyone famous while trying to look like you're too cool to care.

16. Everywhere is "Up and Coming"

With the population growing nearly as fast as New York rent, more and more people are looking to live outside of Manhattan. At first, this wasn't too much of an inconvenience. Williamsburg and Astoria, two of the earliest gentrified neighborhoods of the new century, are only a handful of subway stops away from the city center. But college grads and newcomers alike are beginning to see that the L train doesn't stop at Lorimer and that, apparently, the Z train is a real thing.

Gentrification takes longer than your sort-of-racist-if-you-think-about-it hipster friend may lead you to believe. Just because there's a sign informing you that Whole Foods is coming in Spring 2015 doesn't make a neighborhood "the new Manhattan".

Chances are that shady drug dealer on the corner is actually a shady drug dealer and not an NYU music major recording ambient sound for his newest multimedia aural experience. At least for now. This urban sprawl is going to increase exponentially with time. If you find yourself one day commuting to midtown from suburban Philadelphia, maybe New York isn't the city for you.

15. If You Weren't In New York, You'd Be Home By Now

According to CNN, of the ten worst cities for driving, Brooklyn, Queens and Manhattan rank first, second and fourth respectively. The only reason the Bronx didn't make the cut is because the researcher reporting the data is still trapped somewhere on the Major Deegan.

The only thing that takes longer than driving from point A to point B in New York is finding a place to park. Barclays Center could actually be defined as a small planet by astronomers mistaking circling commuters trying to get to a Nets game for orbiting moons. Traffic is so bad that New Yorkers must find increasingly resourceful ways of getting to work on time. That bearded guy always drenched in sweat who rides a unicycle up First Avenue? That's not quirkiness, that's desperation.

14. Welcome to Death Race

Just because traffic is eternally at a standstill in New York doesn't mean taxi drivers won't find a way to gun it from zero to ludicrous in under three seconds. The reason most citizens can't hail a cab is because from the curb all you can see are yellow blurs of light hurtling F-bombs warped by the Doppler effect.

Supposedly cabbies drive the way they do to quickly get more customers, and thus earn more money. It's more likely that they're all secret participants in a no holds barred Death Race, picking up innocent passengers along the way for cheap thrills and deranged side bets. This would best explain why, despite constantly screaming at carpoolers, police officers, and bike messengers, cab drivers save their most burning hatred for other cab drivers.

13. No Right Turns on Red

It's not a coincidence several items on this list concern traffic, and they might all be traced to this one inexplicable source. There's a good chance this ridiculous law is leftover from British colonial rule and nobody's bothered to change "right" to "left" and "horse carriage" to "Vespa."

If you're planning on moving here and don't want to be pulled over on your first day, remember to stay put at red lights. You may also want to check the city's rules for backing out in reverse and U-turns on dead ends, just in case.

12. NYC Has the Best Transit System in the World—on Paper

Unlike other metropolitan areas, the subway and bus network in New York can actually get you pretty much anywhere, relatively quickly. In theory. Unfortunately, this marvel of modern transportation is often hindered by an endless supply of construction delays, outages, and rerouteing. Sometimes, your train will sit in the middle of a tunnel, in the dark for several minutes, just because.

The MTA wouldn't leave you blind, though. Instead, they blindfold you and spin you around a few times with indecipherable PA announcements seemingly recorded on Edison's original phonograph and omnipresent detour instructions you'd need the Rosetta Stone to interpret.

11. No Dogs Allowed

Typically, after you settle into your first New York apartment, you acquire a George Foreman grill, a Netflix account, and a cat, in that order. Not a cat person? You will be. Even the most passionate dog lovers have to admit that keeping a pooch in Gotham isn't feasible, if not downright impossible. Big dogs are too big for city apartments—imagine keeping a humpback whale in your swimming pool. Small dogs tend to bark incessantly, alerting your entire building that you own a dog but are too incompetent to train it right.

You might counter that you've seen dogs, even big ones, being walked all over the streets of New York. But you've got to remember that their owners are wealthier than you and have apartments with both ample space and natural light. You're going to have to settle for the detached, one-sided companionship of a tabby that may or may not hate you. Or you can get a pet snake, but do you really want to be that guy?

10. There Will Be Rats

You might find you don't need any pets at all when nature is already providing plenty for you. Well, nature and the fast food restaurant downstairs that uses your walled-in "courtyard" as a supplemental dumpster. Just like you'll have to choose whether you want to live Downtown or Uptown, West Side or East Side, you'll also have to decide if you want a roach apartment or a mouse apartment. If you really strike out on Craigslist you might end up with both, but typically one species has already devoured the other in the Darwinian struggle for your Hot Pocket crumbs.

But these vermin only hide indoors because the streets have already been claimed by the rats. New York rats are products of their hometown—they're entitled and strictly business. Dustin Hoffman didn't improvise the line "Hey, I'm walkin' here!" in Midnight Cowboy, he borrowed it from a rat. If you come across some on your walk home, and you will, just keep your head down and don't make eye contact and you should be alright.

And if there's a sanitation strike, it might just be best to stock up on canned goods and stay indoors for a while. On the plus side, you don't have to worry about alligators in the sewers. That's just a rumor spread around so the rats won't seem as abnormally large when you first see them.

9. NYC is the Confidence Murder Capital of the World

While actual shootings and stabbings have gone down in recent years, if anything, the Big Apple's millennial boom has escalated the rampant slaughter of its citizens' self-esteem. Everyone here is beautiful, successful, and, in general, doing better than you.

You could've been a big fish in the small pond you swam upstream from, but now you're treading in the biggest ocean on the planet, and no amount of improv classes are going to change that. The grass is always greener, not that you would even be able to see it on the rooftop garden you'll never afford.

8. There Is Nothing to Do Here

Figuratively speaking, of course. New York is the city that never sleeps, the cultural capital of the world. But if you've just spent all day busting your ass so your rent payment will only be a few days late instead of a week, suddenly all those entertainment options aren't as feasible.

Your parents will love telling their friends that you live just around the corner from the Metropolitan Opera; they probably won't mention that the only time you've been inside was when the bathroom at the adjacent Domino's was busted and you snuck into the lobby to drunkenly break the seal.

Of course, if you look hard enough, you'll find the pleasant diversions other cities and towns have to offer, like bowling and mini-golf. But they'll be about as expensive as the Met and infested with those termites of the ironic activity world—hipsters.

7. There Is Too Much to Do Here

Almost every tried and true New Yorker has one thing in common: they've never been to the Statue of Liberty. Or been to the top of the Empire State Building. Or seen The Lion King. As your bitter ex reminds you every chance they get, when you live so close to something so beautiful, you tend to take it for granted and outright ignore it.

Of course one day when you're not busy, you'll check them out. Maybe next Saturday? Then again, that new season of Justified isn't going to watch itself....

6. Fear Leads to Anger, Anger Leads to Hate, Hate Leads to Tourists

You may never go to the Empire State Building, but you sure as hell will give others directions to it At first you'll be glad to help, and feel that, by shepherding a grateful tourist and his family, you've become a real New Yorker. By the hundredth time you've done this, your help will devolve into pointing and growling "It's that gigantic building right there, just walk towards it, you helpless child!" By the thousandth time—sometime in your second week here—you'll be intentionally giving them the wrong instructions, guiding them onto the express train to the South Bronx, or if you're running late for work and particularly spiteful, New Jersey.

When tourists aren't selfishly hounding you for ten seconds of your time, they're gawking up like baby birds and holding up pedestrian traffic. You'll become an angry Frogger, dodging foreign visitors like they were landmines, and blocking family photos with your impatient scowl. Remember that for one brief period you were that wide-eyed sightseer, and try to put yourself back in their shoes. Just don't be in my way when you do it.

5. Gluttony is Discouraged

Mayor Bloomberg's controversial ban on sugary drinks over 16oz. has made a lot of headlines, but it's only the most recent law the city has passed to make New Yorkers feel bad about themselves. New York was one of the first municipalities in the country to force restaurants to place calorie counts on their menus, maximizing the guilt you'll feel from ordering a double bacon cheeseburger.

Donna Karan and Heidi Klum live here, and you seriously want an extra large Cherry Coke, you fat pig? It's the Big Apple, not the Big Chalupa. City Hall is already working on statutes requiring all mirrors within city limits to add twenty pounds and mandatory horizontal stripes for government uniforms. You're eating right now, aren't you? You disgust us.

4. If Your Apartment Doesn't Have a Crazy Roommate Then You're the Crazy Roommate

Moving from home or the comfort of your college besties is stressful in any city, but, like with everything, New York finds a way to make it even worse. New York roommates come in three flavors that will consume your apartment: weed, incense, or exotic foods. Usually, it's a mix of all three.

You would think rehearsing with their loud post-grind dubcore band is the most obnoxious activity a roommate could undertake, but beware the quiet ones. They're either secretly filming every move you make for an avant garde project about the "experience of living" or painting in the nude, whether your parents are visiting or not. You might think you can find a quiet doctor who spends sixteen hours a day at work, but remember the cardinal New York Craigslist rule: if they had a real job, they wouldn't need you for a roommate.

3. If You Crap Your Pants, the Terrorists Win

New York might be the biggest American target for terrorists outside of the White House, but that in itself isn't a reason not to live here. Living in fear contradicts the freedom of expression and pursuit of happiness that the Big Apple has come to embody. Not to mention, the city takes threats extremely seriously and prides itself on keeping its citizens safe.

If a New Yorker wants proof, they can just look out the window. During holidays and times of heightened security, it's become routine to see soldiers and police casually strolling the streets and subway terminals with full body armor and M-16 assault rifles. Almost daily, drills are being conducted with full response teams in Hazmat suits using blaring sirens and LED police lights seemingly intended to burn out Al-Qaeda's retinas.

Awareness and presence is the name of the game when it comes to Homeland Security, and it's something every resident has to be prepared to handle. To say that New York City is a police state would be an overstatement. To say that you'd be living in a live-action version of Halo might not be.

2. We Smell

You know it. We know it. So let's just put it out there—we're not the freshest urban center around. The city has gotten a lot cleaner since the eighties, but so has Charlie Sheen. They both still have a long way to go. Some funks may never leave us. There'll always be vomit and urine and Bikram yoga. Some may evolve with the times. Staten Island's infamous landfill is being converted into a park and is no longer the stink pile it once was, but Ethiopian restaurants are just getting more and more popular. It's a draw.

1. New York City Will Ruin Other Cities For You

The biggest disadvantage to living in New York is that it ruins living anywhere else. Despite the smells, and the sirens, and the supermodels you'll never have sex with, Gotham is still the greatest city in the world. Like that one good New Year's you once had, you'll always find yourself comparing NYC to your current place of residence. And the competition will never stack up.

If, like a lot of us, you were unfortunate enough to be born here, then you'll have to live with the fact that you peaked at birth. They say everyone needs to leave the nest at some point to find themselves and gain perspective, but what's perspective compared to a great slice of pizza?

After all, everyone moves here for a reason. New Yorkers might bitch and complain about their hometown more often than not, but that's because we've melted into a weird sort of family. And family is allowed to talk smack and fight with one another. And steal each other's iPhones. And cut each other off in traffic. And murder each other's confidence.

Join us if you dare.