Image via Complex Original
We're not all connoisseurs of art. We don't appreciate animation for its aesthetically pleasing visuals or its groundbreaking technology. It's time to be honest with ourselves: we're just a bunch of dirty birds. We find sick joy in finding adult humor in G-rated movies that studios like Disney and Pixar churn out for a demographic that doesn't include broke post-college stoners sitting on an old couch in their grandma's basement.
The animators and writers probably feel some sort of connection with us, too. They're the ones who are constantly throwing us a bone, so to speak. They give us sex jokes that fly over kids' heads and right into our face, and we thank them for that.
Inspired by the newest kid-friendly flick, The Nut Job, we've collected some of the best adult-humor throwaways and images that we still can't believe made it past the censors. Nut Job does, after all, already have something that sounds like a sex act built into the title. Enjoy as we ruin your childhood.
Written by Hope Schreiber (@HopeSchreiber)
The Topless Woman in The Rescuers (1977)
A film about a couple of mice trying to save a kidnapped little girl from a couple of treasure hunters doesn't leave a lot of leeway for the risque. Alas, as Bianca and Bernard haphazardly fly around the city in a sardine box strapped to a car, a topless woman can be seen in two frames. And this is where you're expecting us to tell you that it's just a myth. Surprise! There's actually a topless woman in a window in two frames.
Disney has confirmed that she's been in the film ever since its original theatrical release, but was first noticed during its re-release some 20 years later, causing a mass recall of 3.4 million copies.
The Oral Sex Joke in The Brave Little Toaster (1987)
The Brave Little Toaster is a pretty dark movie—it's scary and it deals with abandonment issues and personal inadequacies. Also pretty dark is the blow job part where the air conditioner basically says the vacuum can suck him dry. "Hey, I'm real scared there, Kirby. What are you going to do, suck me to death?" Now try getting that image out of your head.
Jessica Rabbit's Crotch Shot in Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988)
Jessica Rabbit's not bad, she's just drawn that way. In fact, we'd be hard-pressed to find a cartoon character who was drawn more sexually than poor Jessica. We guess all those hours alone in front of a drawing pad gets to a guy—they've got to find release one way or another.
The release came in the form of drawing Jessica Rabbit without underwear. In a scene where Jessica and Bob Hoskins are involved in a car accident and are thrown from a cab, Jessica Rabbit spirals through the air as her red dress hikes up. For a few frames, her underwear magically disappears. Jessica Rabbit invented the crotch shot.
A Phallic Castle in The Little Mermaid (1989)
It's been said that a lot of our most infamous leaders from history were compensating for something, a classic "Napolean Complex." So maybe it just makes sense that the king in The Little Mermaid needed to prove something as well. Hello, Huge Penis Tower of the Castle.
The rumor is a disgruntled artist about to be fired drew it on purpose, and it has such an uncanny resemblance to the male genital organ that it's hard to see it as anything else. However, Disney has debunked the rumor and explained that cover artist didn't even work for the company. The artist, in turn, said he was rushed to finish the artwork at around four in the morning and simply didn't work as hard on the background detail. To that, we say:
The Minister's Erection in The Little Mermaid (1989)
As little kids, we were on the edge of our seat for this scene. Ursula, the sea witch, has not only given herself a hot human bod and hypnotized Prince Eric into loving her, but she's also stolen Ariel's voice. And to make it all legit, she's getting married to Eric by a bishop.
Wait, hold up. Somebody is more excited about this union of holy matrimony than Ursula. What's going on with the bishop's, uh, downtown area? Is that a bobbing erection?
Certainly it does look like one. However, if you don't look at this scene from the profile shot, you'll see that it's a bone of a different type: his bony knees.
Aladdin's Sexual Suggestion in Aladdin (1992)
When you have a guy like Robin Williams voicing one of the supporting characters, you know there's going to be some throw-away jokes for the parents of the audience. The scene of Aladdin first trying to woo Jasmine is something entirely different. As in, maybe brainwashing.
It's been written off as just a misheard whisper, but we're unconvinced. When Aladdin is whispering to Jasmine's pet tiger, "Good kitty, take off and go," it sounds an awful lot like "Good teenagers take off your clothes." You heard it here first: MTV's Teen Mom owes everything to Disney.
The Genie's Gay Joke in Aladdin (1992)
After the Genie once again saved Aladdin's life, he explains that he was getting pretty fond of him, but then clarified by adding, "Not that I want to pick out curtains, or anything." We know a gay joke isn't too classy, but we guess a guy who lives in a satin-filled golden lamp, wears no shirt, and has a ponytail needs to set the record straight.
Spelling Out "Sex" in The Lion King (1994)
It's a pretty dramatic moment in The Lion King. Simba, Pumba, and Timon are laying in the grass looking at the stars and Simba is left wondering about his purpose in life. He walks off emotionally and flops down on the grass, the dust swirling in the wind. And, look! That dust swirling in the wind looks a lot like it's trying to tell him something. What could it be? What is the most important thing in life? Oh, it spells "Sex."
The widely used reasoning for this is that it's actually spelling "SFX," short for "special effects." But that's not nearly as fun, so we won't listen to that reasoning.
The Bus Driver's Sex Joke in Hocus Pocus (1993)
When the evil Sanderson Sisters tell the bus driver what they desire is children, he chuckled and says, "It might take me a couple of tries, but I don't think that'd be a problem." Proving, once again, that bus drivers are creeps.
The Toy Hooker in Toy Story (1995)
This joke is truly on the sly. Sid's toys in Toy Story are a thing of nightmares, taking two creatures and making them one, like a duck head on top of a GI Joe or the doll with mechanical spider legs. But the one we notice now are the Barbie legs and dangling hook—a very, very subtle suggestion that it's a "hooker."
The Genie's Honeymoon Joke in Aladdin and the King of Thieves (1996)
Aladdin and the King of Thieves went straight to DVD, but that doesn't mean we've forgotten Genie's reference to sex. During Aladdin and Jasmine's wedding, there's an earthquake and Genie mumbles, "I thought the Earth wasn't supposed to movie until the honeymoon."
The Erection Joke in 101 Dalmatians (1996)
Before he was House, Hugh Laurie was hired to kill 101 puppies all for the sake of fur coat. When he entered the taxidermist's place he said, “The sight of all these deceased creatures gives me a shrinky winky.” We thought maybe he was kinder than originally let on, now we know he just thinks all those dead animals are a boner kill. So, there's that.
The Sex Joke in A Bug's Life (1998)
Ah, nothing like a couple bugs flirting with each other. In one scene, a pair of (hooker) insects ask the ladybug, "Wanna pollinate with a real bug?" We know enough about the birds and the bees now to know that's a sex joke, guys.
The Penis Joke in Rugrats (1998)
While you were just a wee little kid sitting in the theater for The Rugrat's Movie, excited to meet Tommy's new little brother, the line "Born under Venus, look for a..." didn't actually have an end for you. Look for a what?! God, you were so cute and innocent.
Flashing in The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
Yzma basically strikes fear into the hearts of Kuzco and Pacha by lifting up her dress to reveal that she's a cross dresser. Just kidding. They're actually pretty relieved when they see she's showing off her huge dagger instead. Yes, an actual dagger.
The Butt Joke in Shrek (2001)
Shrek strayed far from the classic fairy tale, and even made a tongue-in-cheek jab at "It's a Small World" with the dolls of Duloc singing, "Duloc is a perfect place keep your feet off the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your..." As they turn around and put their butts in the air, they finish the lyrics with "face." What did you think? Come on, grow up.
The Joke About Snow White's Sexual History in Shrek (2001)
Lord Farquaad, whose name alone sounds a lot like "fuckwad," sought out the Magic Mirror to help him hook up with a princess. Set to the tune of The Dating Game, the Mirror tells our noble man all about Snow White and how "just because she lives with seven men doesn't mean she's easy."
The Hoe Joke in Cat in the Hat (2003)
There's almost no subtlety in this one, but you probably missed it because Cat in the Hat isn't something you'd spend the time or money watching. That's OK, here's the funniest scene: Mike Meyers looks at the gardening tool and tells it, "Dirty hoe," before throwing it away. But then he brings it back, says "I'm sorry, I love you," and goes to lick it. Children's movies!
The Peeping Tom Joke in The Incredibles (2004)
Leave it to one guy to ruin it for the rest of us. In the opening scenes of The Incredibles, lawsuits taken out against superheroes make them stop using their super human powers. If you pay close attention to the details, one newspaper headline reads "X-RAY VISION PEEPING TOM?" Yeah, we'd probably outlaw heroes too.
The Sex Joke in Robots (2005)
In a world where robots rule, Herb Copperbottom is introduced while he's running home from work to make it in time to see his baby delivered. Unfortunately, when he arrives, his wife Lydia tells him, "You missed the delivery but it's OK, making the baby is the fun part." Well done, Robots writers.
The Vulva Joke in Monster House (2006)
When a monstrous house threatens to eat our three heroes, one hero, Jenny, explains that they weren't attacking the heart, but instead it's uvula, to which the dumb chubby kid says, "Oh, so it's a girl house." We're kind of impressed that this kid knew so much about the female body pre-sex ed, even if he did get the word messed up with vulva.
The Oral Sex Joke in Ratatouille (2007)
As if giving a lesson to all the young love birds out there, rather than aspiring food critics, the infamous critic Anton Ego says to Linguini about his food, "If I don't love it, I don't swallow." Preach.
The Penis Joke in Ratatouille (2007)
Once you get over how gross it would actually be if a rat was part of the creation of your food, Ratatouille is another Pixar classic. Plus, let's not forget it has one of the most brilliantly, and subtly, executed tiny penis jokes. When Linguini begins to explain his rat friend to his love interest as, "I have this tiny..." she briefly looks down to his pants with worry.
The Butt Joke in Toy Story 3 (2010)
We haven't seen an ascot rocked so hard in animation since Freddy in Scooby Doo. And apparently, neither has Barbie, who compliments her new beau Ken with something that sounds at least PG: "Nice ascot."
The Oral Sex Joke in Toy Story 3 (2010)
Pixar's ability to sneak stuff under the radar is what makes its movies so enjoyable, even when we're way past its usual demographic. Case in point: When Lotso, the pink stuffed bear, takes Mrs. Potato Head's lips off of her body when she's talking too much, Mr. Potato Head says, "Hey, nobody takes my wife's mouth except me!"
As kids, we thought he was just being a protective husband. As adults, all we hear is an oral sex joke.