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Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly consume any more “holy shit the Vice President of The United States just pushed a girl in front of a moving train” moments out of a political television series (Spoiler alert: We are talking about House of Cards), then you haven't checked out the shock value that Selina Meyer (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and her crew bring to HBO’s political comedy, Veep.
Politicians aren’t the only ones who have enemies gunning to take them down and embarrass them in front of the masses. With season three of Veep premiering this Sunday, we thought it would be a good idea to catch you up on all of the nasty, derogatory, and gut-wrenching insults that makes this series such a pleasure to enjoy. So take out your notepad and relish in The Best Veep Insults to Eviscerate Your Enemies.
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"That's Washington D.C. for you. D.C.—District of Cunts." —Selina Meyer
When to use it: When you view your pay stub and see all the taxes they've been taking out.
"You probably still get your porn from magazines." —Jonah Ryan
When to use it: When someone asks if your smartphone is attached to your hand.
"You don't get the complexity. You're the world's biggest single-celled organism." —Ben Cafferty
When to use it: When someone says you're making a big deal out of nothing.
"You know if it's a boy maybe I'll name him after you...Call him Fuck Weasel." —Amy Brookheimer
When to use it: When someone asks you or your significant other if they're pregnant (and they aren't).
"Hello, what do you want, you can't have it, goodbye." —Sue Wilson
When to use it: When your ex calls.
"He's just a varicose dick vein." —Selina Meyer
When to use it: When you can't think of something nice to write on a sympathy card.
"Screw you and the face you rode in on." —Roger Furlong
When to use it: When you hate someone's significant other just as much as you hate them.
"Hey listen, settle something for me. You like to have sex and you like to travel? Then you can fuck off." —Selina Meyer
When to use it: When your much more successful friends are discussing their spring break plans when you haven't been able to afford bus fare without searching the couch cushions first.
Amy Brookheimer: "7:00 p.m. on a Saturday night. Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that." Gary Hale: "Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing."
When to use it: When you've had a long week, it's raining outside, and your friends still want you to trek all the way to the Upper East Side for drinks.
"I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you. I wouldn't want you to become a fat, neurotic freak. Speaking as a friend." —Sue Wilson
When to use it: When your annoying "financial advisor" cousin tries to offer you advice over Easter dinner.
"Not quite. Like your mother, it's been previously loved and paid for by a couple of guys." —Mike McLintock
When to use it: When someone asks why you're so annoyed at their overplayed "your mom" jokes.
"It was an accident. Much like when Big Foot got your mom pregnant, resulting in you." —Mike McLintock
When to use it: When you accidentally bump into someone at the bar and he tries to start a fight.
"Why don't you just go and fuck yourself in your own asshole?" —Selina Meyer
When to use it: When someone purposefully goes out of their way to make your life more annoying.
"You have three kids by two different guys, maybe your last word should have been, 'No'." —Amy Brookheimer
When to use it: When your extended family members keep asking you when you're going to settle down and pop out some grandbabies for your grandma.
Mike McLintock: "Please stop staring at me like that. Undressing me with your eyes." Sue Wilson: "I'm adding more clothes, Mike."
When to use it: When someone thinks you're coming on to them but you're just being polite.
Secret Service Officer: "Ma'am, the President has left the building." Selina Meyer: "Who gives a flying fuck?"
When to use it: When your boss is leaving for a business trip and says, "Don't miss me too much!"
"Enough about the fucking boat, Mike. Take a flare gun, put it in your mouth, and blow your head off." —Amy Brookheimer
When to use it: When your coworker can't stop talking about the fishing trip he took with his son and you've humored him enough with discussing how exciting it'll be the whole month before he left.
"I'm eating everyone's shit. I'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this." —Mike McLintock
When to use it: When you're the last sober man standing and you have to get all your drunk friends home safely.
"The level of incompetence in this office is STAG.GER.ING." —Selina Meyer
When to use it: When you're trying to shame your employees, though really you're trying to cover up your own mess.
"I don't have time to ignore you." —Amy Brookheimer
When to use it: When you've been assigned a group project with the self-proclaimed "class clown."
"That's like trying to use a fucking croissant as a dildo. It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess." —Selina Meyer
When to use it: When you're trying to help your mom out with something online and you see her slowly scroll to Internet Explorer and type "google.com" into the Google search bar.
Andrew Doyle: "If you want to play a game, Danny, why don't you try working an iPad with your dick?" Amy Brookheimer: "He's already got carpal tunnel in that area."
When to use it: When you find out your unemployed roommate hasn't washed a single dish since moving in, is stock-piling them in his room, and that's why you could saddle and ride mice in your apartment.
"From now on, you bleached, plucked asshole, I am your fucking Siamese stalker." —Leon West
When to use it: When someone cuts you in line for your coffee so you decide to follow them wherever they go, constantly stepping on the backs of their shoes.
"He can be a gold plated shit gibbon." —Andrew Doyle
When to use it: When your friends are having a discussion on Macklemore.
"She's mediocre. Of all the ocres, she's the mediest." —Dan Egan
When to use it: When someone asks you how your ex significant other was in bed.