Image via Complex Original
Back in the early 80s it would have been impossible to discern just how big the video game industry would become.
When home consoles were in their infancy they where, at best, viewed as a passing novelty—much in the same way yo-yos and whoopie cushions must haven intitially been recieved. Who could have possibly had the prescience to foresee a multi-billion dollar a year industry being built on the ground floor of Atari and Caleco? That still didn't stop enterprising marketing departments from creating some of the most brutal video game commercials of the era.
What better way to move units than by throwing in an actor awkwardly rapping over every Sega, Nintendo, or Atari ad? We can't fault some of these performers though, a single verse and national exposure could possibly be their express ticket to MC Hammer-like stardom. We need no reminders for how that turned out for all involved.
Please Hammer, Don't Hurt 'Em was more prophetic than we could have ever imagined. Thanks to the race to squeeze millions of dollars out of a shamless eight bar promotional plug, here are Struggle Rappers and Tragic Video Game Commercials From Back in the Day.
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Toe Jam and Earl deserved better than this.
Back when the line "hippedest hoppinist boppin all around the world" was an acceptable rhyme.
The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! was essentially a nightmare factory.
Not one, but two, middle-aged white men rapping and, we're only guessing here, but dancing as well?
Video Power was a TV show?
We're assuming Video Power was similar to QVC in format. The main difference being Video Power auctioned off children instead of rhinestone encrusted brooches your grandmother will probably be buried in.
The Legend of Zelda for the NES
Granted, this is a more accurate representation of early 80s geek stereotypes.
Thankfully nobody remembers what a Freedom Stick is.
Home Alone era Macaulay Culkin/mom jeans struggle.
Atari 2600 with a Members Only jacket and a fade.
The struggle started with those L.A. Gears with the hot pink laces.
The Sega Mega Drive and a verse about a vacuum cleaner.
Pre-Beastie Boys Caucasian struggle for the Sega Mega Drive and Sonic the Hedgehog.
Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening for GameBoy
Gameboy struggle will require eight AAA batteries.
Atari 2600
The struggle is so real, the announcer sounds winded throughout the entire commercial.
