Great Moments in World History Nearly Ruined by Video Games

One of the greatest misconceptions about history is that people assume that it's a static entity.

That once it is set down in text books it becomes a sort of finalized gospel. This is an assumption that has no longer become a reliable approach. New data is always being discovered that forces us to reevaluate historical events and the people that experienced them.

Shit, we were all taught that Christopher Columbus was a great explorer that just happened to bump into North America as a royally sanctioned outing, met some natives, and that was the end of it. We have public school history books to thank for that bit of cultural misdirection. Of course, we all now know that Columbus was one of the biggest dicks to ever get behind the wheel of a boat. Once you remove the myth of a man 'discovering' an already inhabited world, what you're left with is a guy who dabbled in genocide and still managed to get his own national holiday.

Looking at historoical events, we can at least be grateful we never had the modern trapping of video games to distract us from pivotal moments in world shaping moments. Video games could have been a series of relentless distractions, and we should be grateful they haven't always been around.

Here are Great Moments in World History Nearly Ruined by Video Games.

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Event: Assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria
Date: June 28, 1914

While it may be hard to consider the assasination of a foregin head of state a 'great moment', World War 1 did usher in the end of the Ottoman Empire and nobody seems to miss them all that much. One secret service member trying to clear the final stages of Sonic is who we have to thank for the onset of the first global war.

Event: The Wright Brothers first flight at Kitty Hawk
Date: 1900-1903

Orville and Wilbur Wright are often credited as the the fathers of modern aviation. After a series of successful attempts at creating gliders, the brothers finally began construction on a self propelled, steerable aircraft. Finally implementing three direction axis control, the brothers found a way to control an aircraft's equilibrium while in flight. Their places in history were nearly derailed by Wilbur's compulsion to become one of the greatest freestyle Dance Dance Revolution contenders the world had ever seen.

Event: The surrender of Lord Cornwallis
Date: October 19, 1781

Level 65 on Candy Crush is a malevolent bitch. During the unconditional surrender of Lord Cornwallis after the siege of Yorktown, General George Washington barely had time to exchange pleasentries with the defeated British commander. Sure, he had just guarnateed American independence, but he was also super distracted by another fucking jelly level. Crisis was averted when he ran out of lives and nobody would spot him an extra three attempts on Facebook.

Event: The creation and signing of the Magna Carta
Date: June 15, 1215

One of the single most important documents ever created in Western history, the Magna Carta was also used as the basis of our very own American Constitution. Limiting the powers of a Monarch and providing legal protection for the subjects of the crown was a fundamental cornerstone in the development of parlimentary democracy. The whole things was almost scrapped thanks to Nintendo's 3DS. Fire Emblem Awakening is a dope game and has been on repeat in our 3DS for months now, it's too bad the Japanese RPG nearly ruined the signing of one of the most important documents in Western civilization.

Event: The Surrender of the Japanese Empire
Date: September 2, 1945

Eveyone aboard the USS Missouri were collectively distracted by the Mortal Kombat cabinet that had mysteriously appeard on the fight deck of the American aircraft carrier. While the Japnese foreign affairs minister signed the articles of surrender, General Richard K. Sutherland was till trying to pull off Sub-Zero's spine rip fatality. After the surrender was made official, everyone onboard the MIssouri lined up their quarters for a mini-deathmatch tournament.

Event: The Gettysburg Address
Date: November 19, 1863

Considered one of the greates speeches in American history, President Lincoln delivered one of the most impassioned defenses of the freedom of all citizens of the United States. The brilliant orator was momentarily distracted by the appearance of a PlayStation 1 Portable and the temptation to jsut keep playing Final Fantasy VII. Equality and the birth of freedom in the midst of the Civil War were almost sidetracked permanently.

Event: The Potsdam Conference
Date: July 1945

After the end of World War II, Stalin, Churchill, and Truman met in occupied Germany to best decide what punishment Germany should face for their role in the global conflict. As could be expected, Churchill had spent the morning drinking brandy out of a German prostitute's boot and had eaten only a handful of bar peanuts over the last two days. His focus could only be maintained by his copy of Pokemon Red on his Gameboy Color. He eventually mumbled something about criminal tribunals and promptly nodded off.

Event: The Drafting of the Declaration of Independence
Date: June 28, 1776

Both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson were brilliant statesman that crafted on of the most effective and all-encompassing pieces of legislature ever thought up by a nation. It's too bad that both of them also suffered from crippling ADD. There was an almost violent competition between who could rack up the highest score on Frogger. The American Constitution almost included an ammendment barring the use of cheat codes in any house of Congress.

Event: The Cuban Missile Crisis
Date: October, 1962

The Kennedy administration single-handedly walked the U.S. away from a nuclear war with Russia in 1962. When the Soviet Union moved long-range nuclear missiles to Cuba, the U.S. was on the brink of preemptively striking Cuba and by proxy the Soviet Union. Thanks to hundred of dollars in quarters, President Kennedy's experience running a Galaga cabinet helped him realized that it's often better to wait your enemy out. Thirteen days later, Russia removed their missiles from Cuban soil.

Event: The Civil Rights Act of 1964
Date: July 2, 1964

The landmark law that outlawed major forms of discrimination against racial, ethnic, national and religious minorities, women, and aliens was signed into law by President Lyndon B. Johnson in 1964. Witnessed by Martin Luther King Jr. the event is also remembered for Democratic Senator Howard W. Smith ruining the occasion by not shutting the fuck up about how good he'd gotten using Guile in Street Fighter II. King reportedly later used Chun-Li to son the Senator and the Civil Rights Act took effect that very day.

Event: The Fall of The Berlin Wall
Date: August 1989

After decades of seperating East and West Germany, and the Soviet Union's control of a 'Western' state, The Berlin Wall was torn down by citizens on both sides of the barrier. Representing a literal tearing down of oppression and tyrrany, the even was one of the most well-documented moments of direct political action in the 20th century. The guy in the back was actually in the middle of an in-game microtransaction and missed the whole fucking thing becase he was too busy playing Plants vs Zombies 2