Image via Complex Original
We should be so lucky as to only worry about conventional, already painful, real-world STDs.
A week long bender in Panama City may leave you with the same burning and swollen feeling as a botched prostate exam, but that's just your new sidekick for life: herpes. Yes, in the real world we only have to worry about occasionally falling face first into the pool of bodily fluids left behind by the Girls Gone Wild tour bus.
If video games were somehow capable of passing on STDs, we'd look back at the days of an inflamed urethra as the salad days of a bygone youth. Consider yourself lucky you've never had to repress the urge to get it on with a lady centaur.
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15. Borderlands 2
Disease: Pandoran Bullymong Fleeze
Vault hunters have been heading to Pandora for years searching for riches and treasure. What most of them came back with was a crippling case of the Fleeze.
Originally a bacteria only found in the native Bullymong population, the parasite made the leap to Pandora's human population. The bacterium is an orally transmitted ailment that causes sufferers to develop sharp crystalline growths on the gums and lips.
It's basically an iced out version of herpes.
14. Left4Dead2
Disease: Gack-Throat
A global pandemic of Biblical proportions is sure to spawn a few new sexually transmitted diseases. Take this Spitter from Left4Dead2 for example. Sure she's easy on the eyes, but did you know that the ball of mutated stomach acid she spat at you actually serves as a carrier for Gack-Throat?
GT effects the central nervous system when the bile makes contact with the genitals. Expect complete paralysis within a matter of hours.
13. BioShock
Disease: Flapmeat
Remember heroin and AIDS? You know with the intravenous drug use? Turns out the same rules apply for plasmids. Don't ever share dirty needles with splicers or you might come down with a wicked case of Flapmeat.
One of the less easily treatable diseases on the list, Flapmeat forces all sexual organs to grow by about 75%. The only known cure comes from the tears of a recently harvested Little Sister.
12. God of War
Disease: Athenian Saddle Sore
Having unprotected bedding sessions with every Greek barmaid from Thrace to Sparta is one thing, but when you try to mount a lady Centaur, exercise extreme caution. She could end up passing on a rough case of Athenian Saddle Sore.
ASS sufferers can expect a rash that feels like Apollo has decided to set the surface of the sun directly on your inner thighs. Legs will become bowed out, forcing you to walk like you've just done 300 miles bareback.
Never try to fuck a lady Centaur. Trust.
11. Fallout
Disease: Shelter Shingles
This radiation enhanced STD creates 'skin cliffs' between the thighs and neck. There is no known treatment and no known cure. You can thank the wastelanders that tried to save a few bucks by patronizing ghoul brothels for this one.
Stock up on your Stim-Paks and Rad-Away.
10. Kingdoms of Amular
Disease: Swamp Asstitis
Banshaen dwell deep in the protected wetlands of Amular and are afforded endangered species status. That still hasn't stopped desperate adventurers from attempting to get a little play from these female water wyrms.
The unnatural coupling gave rise to the STD, Swamp Asstitis. The ailment sharply increases the moisture output from your bathing suit areas. Permanent and incurable, the disease will have you picking your small clothes out from your crack forever.
9. Half-Life
Disease: Inter-Dimensional Hush Thrush
Valve gave us head crabs as one of the most terrifying allegories for invasion and infection. Sure, it obviously borrowed heavily from Giger's Alien but that doesn't mean that they had any less of an impact. What most people don't realize is that there are some non-lethal, sexually transmitted components to getting a head crab stuck to your dome.
Inter-Dimensional Hush Thrush, or IDHT, targets the vocal chords with a high dose of rift particles that renders the afflicted mute. And you thought head crabs were only good for target practice.
8. Halo
Disease: Shielded Papilloma Virus
Something itchy and burny has returned to earth from deep space. A ring of heavily armored HPV nubs that circle all sexual organs is now the bane of the UNSC infantry.
Spartans are immune to STDs, because their junk is just an old VCR meat-glued to where their fun bits used to be.
7. Limbo
Disease: Limbosis
An STD with no physical symptoms might not sound like the worst thing in the world, but it's still an STD so...
Limbosis effects the sex drive by lowering both testosterone and estrogen. Those struck with Limbosis often complain of a crushing malaise and an urge to just sort of linger without meaning or direction.
6. Dead Space
Disease: Bio-luminescent Necrosis
After defeating the Necromorphs, Issac returns to Earth with a little extra something in his luggage. Bio-luminescent Necrosis causes engorged bio-luminescent growths to develop on the lymph nodes of the body.
After the growths, necrosis begins; any affected areas lose the now glowing growths, and any body parts attached. It's basically a Lite-Brite that makes your junk fall off.
5. Star Craft
Disease: Zerg
No longer in the business of galactic domination, The Zerg reassess, and discover that they are far more formidable as an STD. Years of beating their collective heads against the borders of both Human and Protoss settlements convince the Zerg to diversify.
Forced evolution by the Zerg gives birth to the burniest, itchiest strain of pubic louse the galaxy has ever witnessed.
4. Resident Evil
Disease: Raccoon City Dick Rickets
A T-virus mutated STD is as bad as it sounds. Well not as bad as Resident Evil 6, but still. Having your junk fall off at the beach, then watch as it floats away would still be more fun than RE6.
We don't know how the disease came into being (we have a few ideas, sickos), but we do know that you become a zombie starting from the crotch up.
3. Amnesia: The Dark Descent
Disease: Gilly-veins
The Wanderers in Amnesia: The Dark Descent cause you to not only lose your sanity, but are also walking petri dishes for the STD, Gilly-veins. Coming into close physical contact with the Wanderer is the same thing as tonguing the shower tiles in the locker room of the closest Gold's Gym.
The afflicted can expect to have all of their sexual organs develop the same respiratory system as most marine animals. Gills on your junk...think about that.
2. Star-Wars
Disease: Sith-phalis
An STD transmitted via the Dark Side. It's a butt thing.
1. Skyrim
Disease: Dragonorrhea
Dragonorrhea has spent the last thousand or so years cleverly disguised as shingles. A fully self-aware venereal disease, initial symptoms include massive scales developing from mucus membranes and a thirst for old Sean Connery films.
The origins of Dragonorrhea have been traced back to a single event in history. Turns out it's the first time a guy got raped by a dragon. Dragon rape: totally a real thing.