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What wouldSeinfeld be without the perennial failings of George Costanza to laugh at? While best friend Jerry dates a new woman each week and flourishes in his career, George (played by Jason Alexander) is, more often than not, catching one life-brick after another. He fails spectacularly with the ladies, of course, but the lion's share of Costanza story arcs and subplots involve his near-endless search for a job. And when he finally gets one, the fails continue, because George is a self-destructive narcissist.
Yup, over the course of nine seasons, George has basically experienced everything, the lows of being an unemployed Broke Boy™ and the highs of being a comfortably employed fuccboi. Who better to take dos and don'ts advice from than a guy who's been through it all, right?* Let George Costanza tell you how to avoid the fuckshit and flourish in corporate America, with these GIFs of his greatest workplace hits—and his funniest misses.
*In actuality, considering dude spent five whole seasons unemployed, one should probably heed everything George does, and do the exact opposite.
Get revenge on your fuccboi boss.
Episode: "The Revenge" (Season 2, Episode 7)
When your boss embarrasses you in front of the whole company on your way out and is generally just a fuccboi overall, it's not enough to storm out with angry words. A comeuppance must be delivered via whatever twisted form of vengeance your malcontent heart can dream up. But maybe fall back on going too far left like George's plan to slip his boss "a mickey." Not only is it approaching SVU-levels of creepy, but what does it even accomplish, really, besides dude waking up with a plus-sized hangover? The fear that something worse happened, perhaps? Costanza, so diabolical (although let's be honest, he didn't actually think it through that far).
The severance package is a flourish.
Episode: "The Summer of George" (Season 8, Episode 22)
Don't be the Victim of the System™ who immediately dives into the soul-crushing job search wave after getting fired. Two words: severance package. Enjoy the unappreciated fruits of your labor with two more words: extended vacation. Invest in some much-needed You Time and trick some of that severance bread on your girl until the bank account needs to be re-upped.
Take no bullsh*t in a pitch meeting.
Episode: "The Pitch" (Season 4, Episode 3)
The most relevant for all creative types. So many writers take big Hollywood meetings and end up having their fresh, juicy ideas processed into easily digestible garbage. Take a cue from first-time writer George Costanza and tell the suits which ass cheek they can kiss if they don't see your vision. Spoiler alert: NBC accepts George's idea exactly as is. A little stunt goes a long way.
A fresh suit makes the perfect impression.
Episode: "The Pie" (Season 5, Episode 15)
Nailing an interview is all about confidence, and we all know a crucial key to a healthy mind is a fresh alphet. That's why George jukes another guy his size when the perfect suit goes on sale at a ritzy store. When you're feeling godly in the threads, anxiety is a nonexistent factor. Just make sure it doesn't make a "woosh" sound.
The world is your oyster after you nail an interview.
Episode: "The Sniffing Accountant" (Season 5, Episode 4)
And when you nail that interview? The world basically turns into a feel good movie montage the minute you step outside. You just owned the interview, nothing is impossible now. Even coming onto the frighteningly gorgeous dime with the assuredness and forwardness of a Trey Songz. No way she's going to turn down a newly-employed number one stunna, right?
Christen a new job (and a new desk) the proper way.
Episode: "The Red Dot" (Season 3, Episode 12)
The legendary Costanza is on the job less than a week before he's making time with the pretty janitress. Getting on with a co-worker is one thing, but there's definitely no possible fallout from bagging the help. Totally...
Become the boss' pet.
Episode: "The Calzone" (Season 7, Episode 20)
Find out what creature comforts your boss holds near and dear and make sure you're always in stock. Before you know it, your personal value will be way up, and you'll be influencing company policy as you see fit will be a layup.
The inter-office hookup is inevitable.
Episode: "The Secretary" (Season 6, Episode 9)
Costanza, ever the horndog, goes out of his way to hire an assistant who won't distract him because of her attractiveness, and somehow still ends up banging his homely helper before her first week is over. The average, apprehensive person would probably fall back on mixing business with pleasure, but why delay the inevitable? There's no bad that can come of playing where you work, right?
Grab a nap wherever you can.
Episode: "The Nap" (Season 8, Episode 18)
The key to hard work is good rest. But if you're really out here getting to the money, a normcore eight hours every night isn't always on the schedule. Real hitters grab some shut eye where they can. You basically live in the office anyway, why not sleep there, with the specially-crafted desk bed for privacy from unfairly disapproving superiors?
Abuse the perks as much as possible.
Episode: "The Butter Shave" (Season 9, Episode 1)
You work like a dog for two paychecks a month, you definitely better be taking advantage of any and every available perk. Even those you maybe, technically, don't deserve. George didn't set out to impersonate a disabled person, but when the misunderstanding leads to private bathrooms and every other comfort service available, can you really blame him for not correcting?
Quit while you're ahead.
Episode: "The Burning" (Season 9, Episode 16)
Not the job, of course. But the jokes. There's nothing like landing the one-two punch of a good zinger followed by a good idea in a meeting with the team. And after you do, it's all downhill from there. Instead of falling flat on your face in a bald attempt to maintain, leave on a high note. Walk right out of that meeting while all of your co-workers are in awe and leave them wanting more.
Watch your race jokes.
Episode: "The Diplomats Club" (Season 6, Episode 22)
You never want to be known as That Guy in the office, with any member of any race. Jokes that hinge on race involve walking a very fine line between acceptable and fired by HR, so better to avoid them altogether. Yes, George's boss does bear a striking resemblance to Sugar Ray Leonard. But it sounds a little too "you all look alike" coming from the pudgy white guy, doesn't it?
Keep a comeback ready.
Episode: "The Comeback" (Season 8, Episode 13)
Corporate offices are basically just adult high school. There's always going to be that guy who tries you in front of everybody, and when he strikes, you have to be ready. Have your rebuttals on deck, don't be the guy (read: George) who thinks of the perfect comeback like, two weeks later. More important: Don't be the guy who shows up with a single shooter and isn't prepared to go several rounds, or suffer the live brick in front of everyone, as seen above.
Always appear stressed and under pressure.
Episode: "The Hot Tub" (Season 7, Episode 5)
Always present the impression that you're working hard, even when there's nothing to do, because the last thing you want your boss to think is that you're slacking. The better alternative? Make them think you're grinding so hard that they force you to take a break. Supreme reverse psychology, fam.
When in doubt, do nothing.
Episode: "The Barber" (Season 5, Episode 8)
Work can be wild confusing sometimes. Your boss' intentions and your assignments may seem nonsensical, so in the face of uncertainty, the only option really is to do absolutely nothing. It's better to let a project sit idly than fuck it up because of hazy instructions. Word to Penske and his mysterious file.
Get yourself fired when a better job opens up.
Episode: "The Millennium" (Season 8, Episode 20)
The Powers that Be would have you think it's better to quit than get fired. But an advanced being like George knows that being fired comes with certain advantages, i.e. severance packages, and voiding non-compete clauses while a better job is quietly pursuing you. But how does one go about that if you're an otherwise model employee? Act a complete fool. Just be prepared to go all the way to convince your bosses to bring the ax down on such a beloved, model employee like yourself.
When all else fails, do the opposite.
Episode: "The Opposite" (Season 5, Episode 22)
If life isn't working out for you, it's possible the fates are against you, but it's more likely that you're just doing something wrong. Why not switch things up? If you're at rock bottom, you literally have nothing to lose from changing up your approach. The best win of George Costanza's life comes when he abandons all pretense and does the exact opposite of what he'd instinctively do. It is, perhaps, the only legitimate piece of life advice one should ever take from Jerry Seinfeld's hapless best friend. You'd be surprised at how quickly leaving your comfort zone leads you into the Flex Zone.