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Hate him or love him, Wes Anderson makes unique movies filled with quotables. At least two lines of dialogue will wriggle into and etch itself onto your brain by the time you exit the theater. For example, you're hopefully familiar with Sam Shakusky's instantly infamous zinger, "I love you, but you have no idea what you're talking about," from 2012's Moonrise Kingdom. Even if you didn't catch that Anderson flick, you've most likely run into that line on the Internet.
Anderson has been arming his characters with verbal scud missiles for well over 15 years now, but why keep them restricted to cinephiles? Let's start making the writer-director's snappy dialogue work for us in the real world. How so? By cutting to the quick of discussions and conflicts we have all the time. In honor of his latest film, The Grand Budapest Hotel, here are some Wes Anderson movie quotes to use to win any argument.
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"Because I'm a wild animal."
Who said it: George Clooney in Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)
Argument: Over messy table manners.
Fork on the right, knife edge facing the plate—none of that means anything to you. Your significant other needs to get used to it. And, yes, you do need to bring a flask to the movie theatre. Stand your ground.
"I love you, but you don't know what you're talking about."
Who said it: Jared Gilman in Moonrise Kingdom (2012)
Argument: Over your parents' rejection of global warming.
You may not be the smartest guy in every room, but you definitely are in this room, by default. Your parents' toxic Fox News diet has formed parasitic worms that are gradually draining common sense from their brains. Don't bother raising your voice—nod your head and lovingly tell them that they are absolutely wrong.
"Can you back away a little? You just spit in my eye."
Who said it: Owen Wilson in The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
Argument: Over politics.
When someone's fiery passion about domestic fracking erupts into loogies traveling dangerously close to your face, it's time to end the conversation. Shoot, you're not even sure how you got in the middle of the debate in the first plae. You're just trying to play Grand Theft Auto while your faux-activist friend and genuine Romney supporter friend duke it out nearby.
"Stop including me!"
Who said it: Jason Schwartzman in The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
Argument: Over where you and your friends are going for dinner.
You just want to disappear into whatever restaurant will kill this two-hour roundtable debate, but you don't want to make the choice. The faster you make that clear and shame everyone into a trivial decision, the closer you are to food.
"I love you too, but I'm gonna mace you in the face!"
Who said it: Jason Schwartzman in The Darjeeling Limited (2007)
Argument: When your significant other takes one too many pieces of food off your plate.
Fellas, don't you hate when your girl takes your wings when all she ordered was a salad? Sorry to go full Def Comedy Jam, but, seriously, boundaries. You love her and she looks good, but right now, so does your food. Sometimes, love is about saying no.
"I'm going to kill myself tomorrow."
Who said it: Luke Wilson in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Argument: Over who gets the last slice of pizza.
Just how badly do you want that last slice of pizza? Try that quote. Worst case: They know you're being sarcastic and hate you for even thinking that was clever. Best case: That five-second window of deafening silence is just enough to grab it and say you were joking. Use this nuclear option carefully.
"I'm sorry, don't listen to me. I'm on mescaline. I've been spaced out all day."
Who said it: Owen Wilson in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Argument: Over something you'd forgotten about 20 minutes ago.
It's been over an hour, you're gesticulating madly about Sweden's "progressive labor model," and, worse, you're getting vehemently passionate about it. That's when you realize you have no idea what you and your friend were arguing about in the first place. Remind yourself to focus, pipe down, and start Friday back at the beginning.
"Well, I think you should quit."
Who said it: Anjelica Huston in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Argument: Over whether you should call that girl you met at the bar a week ago.
Your friend has been going on and on about whether he should keep texting this girl he met, even though she hasn't returned any of his messages. Break it to him that it's not going to happen. Verbally tell him, though—texting with the winky face emoticon won't help matters.
"She's sweet, but she's fucked-up."
Who said it: Bill Murray in Rushmore (1998)
Argument: Over your significant other's untrained dog.
The dog is cute, but that surprise it left in your shoe? Not so much. Remain lighthearted about the situation by still complimenting the pooch, but while also slipping in a bit of venom.
"My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard."
Who said it: Jason Schwartzman in Rushmore (1998)
Argument: Over who's going where for college.
If you're in high school, it's inevitable you'll hit the college application process and your parents will be more stressed out than you are. Temporarily alleviate their worries by telling them you're the hottest high-education free-agent this world has ever seen—until they start getting the acceptance letters and realize they have to settle for a tad less.
"I don't expect you to be as depressed as I am. But I don't think your happiness is quite appropriate."
Who said it: Luke Wilson in Bottle Rocket (1996)
Argument: Over whether you deserve that parking ticket.
Keep in mind, though, you could repeat "I just went in for a second" and point at your Styrofoam coffee cup all day, but Johnny Law probably won't stop writing that ticket any time soon. Heck, your sniveling and stuttering is his favorite part of the whole transaction.
"You've never worked a day in your life. How can you be exhausted?"
Who said it: Luke Wilson in Bottle Rocket (1996)
Argument: Over whose turn it is to wash the dishes.
This may be the case if you've got a roommate who grew up with maids cleaning up his mess and currently has his parents bankrolling him. Don't flinch on the chore schedule, though. Throw him the dish soap and end the negotiation.
"You, my dear friend, are a damn fool."
Who said it: Owen Wilson in Bottle Rocket (1996)
Argument: Over white people's insistence on their "right" to say the N-word.
Dismiss their breathtakingly absurd justifications immediately. If you happen to be a musician, it may be time to dust off the world's tiniest violin case and play a few notes.
"Hey, hey, shh, shh, shh. Come on. Be sensitive to the fact that other people are not comfortable talking about emotional disturbances. Um, you know, I am, I'm fine with that, but... other people."
Who said it: Owen Wilson in Bottle Rocket (1996)
Argument: Over your male friend's possession of a Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist Blu-ray (with director's commentary) and accompanying 11x17 movie poster.
At the bar you've accompanied your friend to, you and a beautiful brunette across the way are exchanging lingering looks. As you decide to make the move, you realize your friend has been rattling on about why Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist is "not just a girl movie." You try to make sure he doesn't lapse.
"They'll never catch me...because I'm fucking innocent."
Who said it: Owen Wilson in Bottle Rocket (1996)
Argument: Over whether you should return that "Yield" traffic sign you stole last weekend.
Tell your jittery college roommate to calm down and stop peeking through the shudders like a paranoid Avon Barksdale. It's cool, no one saw you.