Image via Complex Original
"Alrighty, then!" You know Jim Carrey's iconic catchphrase from the cult classic, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. Well, that famous line turns 20 years old today. More than just a memorable comedy, Ace Ventura is a crazy way of life. One that, if you so choose, doesn't have to stay on screen.
Need a bit of fuckouttahere confidence? Take some crucial life cues from the wild man himself. Whether you're annoyed with a waiter or you're dealing with a failing relationship, pull an Ace Ventura and feel yourself being set free. For starters, here's "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" Dialogue Into Your Everyday Life.
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"Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then."
When to use it: When you're breaking up with significant other.
Half of the drama of breaking up is the break-up story you tell your friends. Pull something like this off and you'll be set up to tell that story for the next 900 parties.
"Oh yeah? And you're ugly."
When to use it: When you need a comeback to friends insulting your taste in television.
A bit harsh, but you like to mix your quality television with certain reality shows that affirms your place in that sweet club known as "sanity." Sure, you might be so-called "part of the problem," but you like what you like. If your peers can't get it, attack their attractiveness.
"Is it number one or number two? I just want to know how much time I have."
When to use it: When you're friend is making you wait while he or she gets ready.
Hey, if they're going to put you through hell for them not being on time, might as well make them feel awkward about it.
"Holy testicle Tuesday."
When to use it: When it's Tuesday at the office.
It's only right that you give the most forgotten day of the week a nickname. It probably won't catch on, but at least you're giving it a good shot. Plus, worst things have caught on.
"I gotta go guys! I gotta date with your mothers!"
When to use it: Whenever you're leaving any room of any kind.
Drop the mic and peace out in this fashion no matter where you are—coffee shop, library, bus, train. Live spontaneously. Plus, it's about time you breathe life back into "yo momma" jokes.
"Well I hope [you check the plumbing], had I been drinking out of the toilet, I might have been killed."
When to use it: When you're threatening you landlord about neglected repairs.
"I'll see to that right away" are words no landlord anywhere has ever said in any era of human history. Skip the passive aggressive phone messages, and shake up his own psychological grip on reality with your special version of "scared straight" tailor made for negligent landlords.
"I'm in Pyschoville and Finkle's the Mayor!"
When to use it: When you're calling in sick to work.
Calling in sick is so mundane. And whether you're calling in with the sniffles or hacking up a kidney into a hospital phone, your boss won't believe you anyway. But calling in as a crazy person? No one can question that.
"That was a close one ladies and gentleman. Unfortunately in every contest, there must be a loser. Loo-hoo-ser-her."
When to use it: When you're granted entry into a club, while everyone is still freezing outside.
The main purpose of fancy nightclubs is to remain elusively unavailable to 99.9% of people on a nightly basis, including the 99.9% of people who are re-wrapping their scarfs in sophisticated constellations to stave off disease on line. But every now and then, before people realize life is short and move on to a different venue, a couple guys and girls will get the princely wave in from the bouncer. If this is you, you have permission to mouth off a bit, and incur all the hate once you inevitably come right back out when you see the place is empty.
"Once you get inside my head, there's no turning back baby."
When to use it: When you're at a job interview.
Always a top five in Likeliest Places To Induce Impromptu Heart Attacks, job interviews rank very high on the stress scale, even above walking into the path of a wild animal. Spice it up with a left-field answer like this one, preferably when asked about your background.
"Holy shitballs."
When to use it: When a waiter places your food in front of you at a restaurant
Enough with the "Smells incredible!" or "Can't wait!" Ace up your life a bit. When the waiter finally arrives with your poulet a la moutard, react accordingly.
"Lovely party. Pity I wasn't invited."
When to use it: When you're giving your Facebook friend a good ol' fashioned guilt trip.
You click on a Facebook event several of your friends and friends of friends are "going" to. You assumed the host is a close friend of yours, but your non-existent invitation suggests otherwise. Don't quietly take that and show up at the party saying you happened to "hear about it"? Message your ex-BFF and serve up the guilt trip while it's still fresh.
"Excuse me. I'd like to ass you a few questions."
When to use it: When you're shopping.
Shopping for clothes, food, or laptop that'll fit on top your mini fridge in your new apartment is boring. Use a little wordplay when approaching a store employee. Try it right meow.
"Warning. Assholes are closer than they appear."
When to use it: When your boss calls you into his office.
You're already in trouble anyway. In fact, you're probably about to get fired. Why not?
"That's none of your damn business and I'll thank you to stay out of my personal affairs."
When to use it: When you're answering the question, "How was your weekend?"
Everyone asks you this question at work. Instead of answering with "Okay, too short though" off the assembly line, just be honest. No one needs to know about the time you spent gorging on Cheetos and binge-watching House of Cards.