Image via Complex Original
With every new year come resolutions to do better. In 2012, we've all been guilty of d-baggery, overusing slang, paying attention to athletes who deserve to be ignored, supporting reality TV train wrecks, emulating Kanye West to the point of embarrassment, and much more. New Year's Day is around the corner and it's time to look the man in the mirror in the face and make some changes. To help us all on the road to a much improved 2013, Complex presents you with 25 Things That Need To Be Retired from 2012. Toast, to a brighter tomorrow!
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25. The Hipster Construct
A.k.a. Calling everything you don't agree with a "hipster" or part of "hipster culture."
Why? Because not everything you don't like or disagree with is "hipster." Because the term "hipster" has been used so widely it essentially means nothing (or everything). Because people with specific—or even, niche—tastes aren't all "hipsters." And because we, as a society, can use our words, and come up with better ways to describe things.
24. Emailing Bloggers as The New Hustle
A.k.a. The Death of Actual Hustle.
Why? Because we don't actually read your emails. Because genuine talent is becoming more and more overshadowed by a deluge of contrived press and publicity that's becoming more and more difficult to sift through. Because music is better found than it is forced upon us.
23. Longboarding
A.k.a. "Doucheboarding."
Why? Because the world isn't a college campus. Because your "hobby" or "sport" isn't actually either of those things, as it requires less talent or skill than riding a bike. Even worse, because some of you actually call yourselves skateboarders, and you're anything but. You stand on a piece of plywood and try not to get hit by cars or pedestrians. And yes, being a pedestrian requires more skill and talent than longboarding.
22. Lax Gun Control
A.k.a. "Gun Nuts." Also see: "People Who Love Guns," "Americans With Guns."
Why? Because guns don't kill people, but people with guns kill people. Because the Second Amendment was signed into law when Americans had to worry about arming themselves against a dictatorial government, as opposed to 2012, when we just have to worry about arming ourselves against psychotic paranoid hicks who think we live under a dictatorial government (we don't). Because statistics have shown that fewer guns equal less gun violence. But mostly because we're sick of seeing Americans die at the hands of senseless gun violence. Enough is enough, now more than ever.
21. The A/V/O/X Construct
A.k.a. Replacing A with V or O with X.
Why? Because it's impossible to read, and because it's the only thing stupider than replacing "S" with "$" in your Rapper Name/T-Shirt/Twitter handle. It's annoying. It's the fruit fly of linguistic fashion trends. Just stop it.
20. Boxing
A.k.a. The "Sport" of "Boxing."
Why? Because you can let your shifty, drunk uncle hang around for only so long before you say, "Dude, just stop it." It's not like boxing has been some paragon of fairness since, well, ever, but before this year you could at least argue that it was entertainingly slimy. But then the only two people on the face of the planet who thought Timothy Bradley beat Manny Pacquiao happened to be two of the three people judging the bout, confirming the theory that boxing has become pro wrestling with a little less emphasis on believability. For good measure, Pacquiao threw his face in front of a speeding Juan Manuel Marquez punch, thereby throwing into even more doubt the one thing—Pacquiao vs. Mayweather—that could've prevented boxing from becoming exactly what it is right now: a casual amusement between MMA events.
19. Demanding Publicists For People Who Don't Matter
A.k.a. "Flublicisists." Also: "Strugglicisists."
Why? Because your client sucks, and nothing you yell, scream, email, or threaten is going to do anything to change that. If anything, it will only make your client suck even more. And because the more you scream, the more you're confirmed as the trifling life force succubi that you actually are.
18. The Tea Party
A.k.a. "The Worst Human Beings Proportional to How Much Political News is Still Devoted to Them."
Why? Because we should just call them what they are: racists, idiots, and cowards who take extreme action for no other reason than to draw attention to themselves as a "movement." They're as much a "movement" as people who suck helium from balloons and try their best Steve Urkel impersonations, which is to say: Loud, ignorant Americans, and nothing else.
17. The Mayan Calendar
A.k.a. Apocalypse Theories.
Why? Because they're all as wrong as they are stupid, and they exist for the sole purposes of either instilling fear or, more often, profiting off of instilling fear. If anything, the world won't end when these people say it will so much because of them continuing to inflict their idiotic theories on us.
16. Skip Bayless
A.k.a. "The Dumbest Human Alive In Proportion To How Much Exposure ESPN Gives Them."
Why? Because he is a model for every person who has ever argued just to argue about sports instead of just sitting there and being wrong, or stupid, or silent. And as long as he exists, more of these people will continue to exist. Do the right thing and boycott Skip Bayless.
15. Menswear Mommy Bloggers
A.k.a. Do they have a menswear blog that isn't Four Pins? Well: Them.
Why? Because the shallow nature of web swallowed the positive potential of Menswear Blogging's moment (read: 2008), and men have slid deep into a rabbit warren once occupied solely by teenage girls. Also, because we don't give a fuck about your outfits or your ability to layer patterns, nor do we want blatant praise for derivative brands with dubious seeding practices.
14. "Trill"
A.k.a. The word and idea of "trill" and/or any extentions of the word "trill" (i.e. "trillest").
Why? Because you're not Bun B. Because Hell Hath No Fury came out over six years ago. Because, unless you are Bun B or Pusha, and the word "trill" is part of your regular vernacular, you are neither "true" nor "real" so much as "a dumbass."
13. "Swag"
A.k.a. The word "Swag," and the idea of "Swag" as a state of being.
Why? Because you're not in Odd Future, and you're not Lil B. Because "swag" is an exclamatory point that has been overused to the point that it can be applied to literally everything and nothing at all. Because using "swag" in sincerity connotes anything but the word's original denotation. And because it makes you sound that much stupider.
12. "Foodie"
A.k.a. The word "Foodie," the Idea of Being a "Foodie," People Who Genuinely Consider Themselves "Foodies."
Why? Because everyone eats food, and everyone who eats food likely doesn't enjoy bad food (as opposed to good food), and therefore, everyone is a "foodie." Because being a consumer of food culture doesn't need a word in the same way consuming Internet culture doesn't need a word, like, say, "Internettie," when "Dork" or "Geek" are acceptable and far more accurate terms to describe both.
11. Unemployed "Tastemakers"
A.k.a. The Unqualified Hypebeasts.
Why? Because they are not qualified by anything other than their Twitter and/or Tumblr and/or Instagram and/or blog followings, which can be acquired through dubious means. And because calling yourself a tastemaker doesn't actually make you one. Leave this planet.
10. Trolling Vulnerability
A.k.a. Letting people troll you.
Why? Because letting anybody troll you makes you look almost as much of a simp as whoever's doing the trolling. Because we can't allow the assholes to win every time just because we're sitting in front of a computer getting angry. And because there are so many better things to be angry about.
9. Donald Trump
A.k.a. "The Worst Human Being in America Proportional to How Much Exposure He's Given."
Why? Because racist, ignorant, unusually cruel, and scientifically proven bullshitters don't deserve the time of day from anyone, anywhere, at any given moment, let alone their own television shows. Also, his hair.
8. The "Fiscal Cliff"
A.k.a. What else does anyone call it?
Why? Because it's just the dumbed-down, sensationalist term for a "Budget Crisis," but mostly because we should just call it what it is: "The Inability of All American Politicians to Not Act As A Collective of Completely Inept Morons."
7. The Ikea Monkey News Cycle
A.k.a. Stupid News.
Why? Because nothing this stupid deserves to make every television news program and website and newspaper over the course of the day. It's a monkey. Wearing a coat. In an Ikea. It's like a bad Saturday Night Live sketch, and we're letting it seep into our brains like it's something we should care about. New Rule: The next time a monkey shows up in an Ikea wearing a dapper winter coat, we should only care if he's holding people hostage inside.
6. Dwight Howard
A.k.a. Whiny Professional Athletes.
Why? Because any professional athlete who whines about their contract this much doesn't deserve the attention of sports fans, and should have their right to play professional sports called into question, no matter how great they are (or no matter how great they think they are).
5. The Great GoogaMooga
A.k.a. The Tandem Culture of Food and Music.
Why? Because food is not music, music is not food, and a festival for food positioned as a music festival speaks largely to how much attention Americans pay to a problem (obesity) as opposed to the solution (health). Because GoogaMooga makes us all look like Fatter, Dumber Americans.
4. Being Surprised at Record Deals
A.k.a. The Trinidad James Effect.
Why? Because after Kreayshawn, and after Trinidad James, and after A$AP Rocky, and after Odd Future, anybody who acts surprised that someone's getting a multi-million dollar record deal from a major label off of a single mixtape or a video in 2013 is acting like they were born yesterday. And they weren't. We know they weren't.
3. Givenchy Dog Shirts
A.k.a. The Kanye Fashion Effect.
Why? Because not everything Kanye wears is OK for you to wear, and wear out until oblivion. Pictures of angry dogs on your shirts make you look less like a rapper and/or rock star and more like you're one step removed from Westminster Dog Show obsessives.
2. Curators
A.k.a. The Act of "Curating."
Why? Because you don't work in a museum, or a gallery. You have a Tumblr on the Internet. And just because you know how to reblog something interesting, or even find something interesting on the Internet, that doesn't mean you're "curating" anything other than what's on your own blog. And that doesn't make you a curator. It makes you a blogger.
1. Honey Boo Boo Child
A.k.a. It goes by no other name.
Why? Because there's unspeakable evil, and then there's speakable evil. Here we have evidence of the latter. Why we let this child-demon suck our braincells through the television until we're half-past Walking Dead-like zombietards doesn't matter any more. All that matters is that we stop it before we're literally unable as a society to make it to 2014 because she's made us too stupid to read even the most basic calendar.