Image via Complex Original
If you're a victim of underemployment (like far too many post-college twenty-somethings), there's a good chance you spend your nights alone, weeping gently, empty box of Little Debbie snack cakes in one hand and a taped-together remote control in the other. Most of the numbers have worn off, but it's okay because you memorized the layout a long time ago.
Your life is like Cast Away—after Wilson gets lost. Only in this case, Wilson is all of your aspirations. You're underemployed, working in a place where your skills aren't being utilized (Deleuze didn't talk about fries), for less money than your qualifications warrant. And you might not even know it.
Underemployed, MTV's new show for people just like you, premieres at 10 p.m. tonight. Before you tune in, take a self-assessment to see if the series is actually about you. For all of you debt-ridden intellectuals still in denial about your ill-fated employment situation, here are 10 Signs You're Underemployed.
1. You just used the word "juxtapose" in conversation and no one cared.
They get it. You went to college. Attention Kmart shoppers: paging someone who gives a shit. Nobody? Yeah, that's what we thought.
The same goes for the following words and phrases:
problematic
liminal
Late Capitalism (must be used as a proper noun)
Nietzschean
dichotomy
9. Your car is the nicest in the employee lot.
Your parents bought you a new car when you turned 16, and everyone knows it. You only refer to the pearl white sedan as "the whip," but no one is buying your street cred—everyone hates you.
Additionally, you still think "street cred" is an appropriate term to use in this situation.
8. You try too hard.
Stop that. Folding clothes won't pave the way to success. If you're a lowly sales associate at a department store trying to impress the boss with crisp edges, you should consider finding a more challenging job. Otherwise, stop trying to stand out. We're trying to have a cigarette break out back, and your folding is making us look bad.
7. There's giant bag of knives in the backseat of your car.
If you're selling knives door-to-door, no matter how qualified you are to waste people's time (or handle sharp objects), you need to check yourself. The same goes for Tupperware. Or anything else sold via a "party." Pushing worthless products on your unsuspecting neighbors is cruel, even if theTupperware stays intact after you run over it with your van.
6. You chuckle every time you see your college diploma, which sits collecting dust in your parents' house.
Sometimes it's best just to laugh. This isn't one of those times. Yes, the fact that you spent $200,000 on a bullshit B.A. in political science is hilarious (in a really sad sort of way). But your nervous laughter at the futile product of four-plus years of work only reveals you're actually crying on the inside. Wipe away the clownish tears and get back to working on new strategies to get the kids at the day camp to not hate you.
5. You still go to fancy bars and restaurants you can't afford.
But they really need to stop declining your card. Don't the employees know your face? Trust the reputation of your parents? Can't we establish some line of credit, like in a wild west saloon? You saw that re-watching all three seasons of Deadwood last week.
Here, try this other card.
4. You never learn your co-workers' names.
That's unless all of your co-workers are actually named "Hey you!" You know (or think you know) your gig is only temporary, so why bother fronting like you care about these people? You're moving on up!
3. You keep your job under wraps.
Turns out, entry-level burger flipper, as an occupation, doesn't quite get the romantic juices flowing. Calling yourself "Quality Control Supervisor" of the fryer is unlikely to impress the interviewer from the law firm you've always dreamed of working for. Hell, you'd hide your face from your boss if you could.
But you can't hide the smell. Your parents make you strip in the car and run to the front door naked. You're getting used to the shame.
2. You dress Wall Street; you work at Wal-Mart.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, a fitted dress shirt and khakis? The bourgeoisie called. They want Mitt Romney back.
Even the greeters are snickering at your pleats. And they're so old they're practically dead.
1. You contemplate a breakdown but decide against it, knowing your boss will kill you if you miss another 6 a.m. shift.
A mental breakdown might mean getting your pay docked, so you reschedule your psychotic break for your day off.
It'll be a warm Saturday, and afterward your parents will take you to Dairy Queen, just like after your Little League games. The ones you lost.