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All good things must come to an end—relationships included.
If you’ve realized that your courtship has run its course, be wary of when you choose to share this realization with your girlfriend. Unleashing a poorly timed breakup may lead to an even more unpleasant situation.
Don’t make the mistake of letting her loose at the very worst moment. Heed our warnings: these are The 15 Worst Times to Break Up With Your Girlfriend.
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RELATED: A Gentleman's Guide to Breakups
During a Wedding
She's been waving her left hand in your face for awhile, makes you watch Say Yes to the Dress, and secretly changed her ring tone on your phone to "Single Ladies" You're already tight that she dared to program a ring tone on your phone—we left that in the 00s—but her hints and clues have became too much for you to bear.
You decided to be a good boyfriend and escort her to a wedding, but all of the white décor and floral arrangements are reminding you of the shit you don't like. After the bride and groom exchange "I do's," don't impulsively hit your girl with an "I don't." You are probably the only person at the ceremony whose heart isn't filled with dreams of "happily ever after." No matter how much you stress to your fellow attendees that your girl is not the one for you, everyone will have her side, and you'll forever be vilified.
After She Works Out
After an exercise session, our bodies release hormones known as endorphins. They bring on a sense of euphoria and a general wave of happiness. Maybe this is a good time to let her go? Wrong. If your girl just left a weight training session or kick boxing class, save the "we're done" conversation until after she's done feeling like Lara Croft. Throw up two fingers for the deuces and she may respond with two letters: K.O.
When You Are Drunk
Forget that "drunken mind speaks a sober heart" shit. When you're drunk, you're not completely cognizant; liquid courage cannot be trusted. If you're intoxicated and you break things off, your girl won't take you seriously. Even if she does, you won't remember anything you said to her the next day, and she definitely isn't going to be the person to remind you. Dump her when you're sober so she knows it's real.
In the Club
In the midst of a night of drinking and dancing at the club is not the most appropriate time to part ways with your girlfriend. A conversation that may last a few minutes in a quiet setting will be prolonged in the club. First of all, it's loud in there, so not likely she'll be able to make out what you're saying. Secondly, amid a sizable crowd, it wouldn't take much for her to start a riot on the middle of the dance floor. Bystanders may think she's invented a new dance move, but your friends will know better.
While She Has Your Money
She wasn't with you shooting in the gym, but for whatever reason, your girlfriend has access to your funds. After the dissolution of the relationship, she may feel like she has nothing to show for all of the time she put in. Because she can't get her hands on what she really wants (your throat), she'll opt to treat herself to a subsitute—with your money. For the sake of your credit score, make sure that you have all of your cash and plastic currency on you before breaking the news. Also, change the passwords to your online accounts. She could buy herself new shoes right in front of you as you're dumping her (and we wouldn't blame her).
Right Before She Was Going to Break Up With You
The last thing you want to do is steal your girl's shot at ripping your heart out. Chances are that if you're feeling like things are over, the feeling is mutual. If that's the case, then she is already planning her exit approach with her girls. If you beat her to the punch, all of her efforts will be in vain, and you'll just make her angry. She wasn't prepared to have the script flipped on her, so be a gentleman and let her do the honors. If she's taking too long to end things, throw some hints her way so she knows the time on the clock is about to run out.
The Day She Changes Her Relationship Status on Facebook
She didn't want her friends to view her profile and see "It's Complicated," so she made sure that you were a serious item before the official announcement. Now that your relationship has popped up on everyone's newsfeed, you need to allow for the all of the unnecessary excitement to simmer down. Wait until the notifications have made their way off of everyone's homepage before you break the news to her. You don't want to piss her off when she's active online. It will only take her a few minutes to create a "Dudes Be Like" meme with your photo.
The Same Day You Asked Her to Be With You
Have a heart, bruh. Love is not an amusement park; don't take her on an emotional roller coaster ride because you're indecisive. Though you'd definitely be doing her a favor in the long run because you're obviously unstable, give it some time for the sake of her sanity. Even Kim K. gave The Hump a full 72 days. Besides, you may change your mind again, and if she more sane than you are, she won't say yes a second time around.
Her Birthday
Apart from making her feel like shit on the day she waits 364 days for, you are putting yourself in a position to screw up your reputation. Her friends, family, and acquaintances will be flooding her inbox and blowing up her phone with happy birthday wishes. But instead of a listing presents she's received, she'll be giving them an earful about how you're an asshole. And, rightfully so.
During Sex
You can't be inside of her and then say you no longer want to be together, dude. Chances are she wasn't going to climax anyway, so now she has to take all the energy saved for her fake orgasm and use it to deal with the sudden heartbreak.
If fellatio is going on and it's being done well, just don't forget that she has teeth. You've been warned.
When She's With Her Friends
You know the old adage "there is power in numbers?" Well, couple that with girl power and you'll be rendered pretty weak; she'll be a force to be reckoned with. Break her heart in front of her friends and be prepared to fight a battle you will never win. Your girl might be in a corner pouting and shocked to find herself single again, but her ride or die girlfriends know the proper routine and procedure for handling dudes who toy with their BFF's emotions. Don't risk it.
When You Meet Her Family
All of the anxiety you felt leading up to meeting her folks was justified. Her dad and brothers are giving you the evil eye, her mother is asking you way too many questions about where the relationship is going, and your girlfriend is not doing anything to ease the tension. You cannot fathom spending another second with her family, let alone binge locked down to this girl for life. You could go out like a boss and tell her and her dysfunctional family that you're done as you sprint out of the house, but are you sure her father was joking about that gun in the attic?
When You're Vacationing in Another Country
It seemed like the perfect couple's trip: you, your boo, and some sandy beaches. It only took one day of nonstop all-inclusive cocktails and rum shots from the minibar for you to gain clarity about your relationship. It isn't working, you can't stand your girlfriend, and you want out. How many Instagram pictures is a man supposed to pose for, anyway? She already took several photos of you in your sandals and tagged them "B.C. #retros."
Though you may want to end things as soon as your boy leaves a comment clowning you, wait until you're back on homeland soil to bid her "adieu." Let her enjoy the rest of her getaway, and pull your getaway when the vacation comes to a close.
When She Has Her Period
Your girl has a "grace period" for about a week every month in which you have to stick it out. Science is yet to prove this, but the emotional discomfort and physical pain endured by women during their periods gives them a superhuman ability to fuck shit up, so don't dump her during this time. Keep a calendar so you know her cycle and break up with her during one of the 3 weeks when she's not on her period—if you know what's good for you.
It's been dubbed "Shark Week" for a reason.
When She Catches You Cheating
If your girl catches you mid-coitus with another woman, it’s safe to say that everybody in the room knows that the relationship is over. You don’t need to spell it out for her. You didn’t respect her enough to not cheat on her, so in the last seconds of the relationship, at least give her the pleasure of breaking up with your cheating ass. If you choose to blurt out anything short of “I’m sorry,” prepare to get run out into the street butt ass naked. Do you really want to get caught out there like that?