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Sterling Archer is…maybe not the best role model for how to have a healthy relationship. The closest he’s come to a serious, committed romantic entanglement starts quickly and ends in murder, and most of the others are just selfish one-night stands. But that hasn’t stopped him from being an example of what not to do, or even in some cases, good dating practices. Here are some Things We Learned From Archer’s Relationships.
Toys are fun in the bedroom.
Archer is briefly freaked out when he discovers Katya’s detachable cyborg vagina in the sink, but he eventually comes around to its mechanical pleasures. Don’t be afraid of new technology—it can make your life more fun.
Don’t expect sex for being a nice guy.
On a mission to catch a notorious coyote gone awry, Archer is easily manipulated into abandoning Cyril and Lana to help Mercedes Moreno. Sterling is insistent that Mercedes at least blow him in exchange for his assistance in transporting immigrants into the United States, but not only does nothing ever happen between them, he gets shot in the process.
Pay attention to your significant other.
The end of Archer’s grief-fueled sex rampage finds him seducing a woman on her honeymoon, which you’d think would be tough for anyone. But the woman’s new husband is playing 36 holes of golf on the first day of the honeymoon. Archer is right: That does not bode well for the marriage.
Learn something from your partners.
Archer sleeps around, but having casual sex isn’t a reason not to take some knowledge away from your romantic entanglements. Sterling uses sex with a nurse (Peggy? Rita?) as an opportunity to learn about X-Rays, and why he maybe shouldn’t be exposed to so much radiation. We should all be so inquisitive.
Always use protection.
Was the candy bar wrapper sex with Trinette worth having to pay child support for the Wee Baby Seamus? They might have a decent relationship (and tattoos with each other’s names on them), but sometimes there are sexual risks that even a super spy shouldn’t be taking. Malory might have been right about Sterling needing a vasectomy.
If you don’t use protection, be prepared to face the consequences.
On the other hand, when Archer perpetually knocks up Pita, his Mexican-Catholic cook, he is forced to keep paying for her abortions. It doesn’t make much sense that a devout Catholic would be opposed to condoms but willing to get abortions, but at least Archer makes sure that he doesn’t have to be an irresponsible father to even more children.
Don’t get in too deep with friends-with-benefits.
The best sex that Archer ever has is with Pam, of all people. In some respects, this isn’t particularly surprising—Pam is awesome and totally comfortable with herself and all of the weird stuff that she gets up to in bed. But Archer pushes it too far, letting his potential father, Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB, get killed by Barry because he’s too busy sleeping with Pam. And he jeopardizes the rescue mission to prevent a mutiny on a satellite by sneaking her on to their shuttle for space sex.
It’s okay to experiment.
Archer is, perhaps, too in command of his sexuality—he’s slept with who knows how many women over the course of the series, in a deeply selfish and controlling way. But he’s also had a few experiences with dudes. He had a threesome with Lana and arms dealer Skorpio, shared a passionate kiss with former Cuban spy Ramon…and let’s not even get into his relationship with Lucas Troy. Maybe Archer would be happier if he was more comfortable exploring those attractions.
If you love someone, let them go.
Giving Katya and Barry his blessing is undoubtedly the most mature thing that Archer does over the course of the series. It’s true that Katya was Archer’s fiancée and Barry tried to kill him several times, but those crazy murderous cyborgs make each other happy, and that’s what’s important.