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No more, no more, no more! Make it stop! Puh-leeeze!
It's rare that a video game franchise makes us say that. Why? Turns out that whole supply-and-demand spiel we sat through in high school is true. If a game's first go-round is crap, it usually doesn't get a second chance. There's no Venetica 2 on the horizon (thank God), because the original was about as inspired as a sonnet by Max Payne.
But every so often, some corporate exec has a few too many at the hotel bar and decides to go against Econ 101. That's when garbage hits the market again and again and again. It just makes us want to yell. And puke. And pray that everyone sees this short list of gaming franchises that are terribly disappointing.
7 Dragon Ball Z
7. Dragon Ball Z
We're not big Dragon Ball people. We always get Goku and Gohan mixed up. We don't quite get why anyone would name a green kid Picolo, either—and why the heck does he have a tail? This may be the only case in world history where ignorance is a good thing, because we can see through Namco Bandai's charade even though crazed DBZ fans can't.
Dragon Ball Z games are always loaded with fan service—videos, unlockable characters and all that good stuff—but that doesn't make them fun to play. Button-mashing is the name of this game and we hate playing fighting games that our kid sister accidentally beats us at. Maybe this series will get it right with Ultimate Tenkaichi later this year, but that's highly doubtful.
6 Game Party
6. Game Party
This series is worse than a blind date with Star Jones. It would take about 10 beers for her to seem hot, but you'd need 20 to convince yourself that Game Party is fun. Midway's—and later, Warner Bros. Interactive's—flacid attempt at joining the party fray is the ultimate in shovelware. The first one dropped in 2007, featuring bland minigames and not much else. The second installment which dropped a year later had—drumroll please—almost the exact same bland minigames. Hey, at least this series is consistent—consistently awful, that is.
5 Cooking Mama
5. Cooking Mama
So let's get this straight. This line of Wii, iOS and Nintendo DS games is all about cooking. Your job—should you have absolutely no life—is to follow Mama's instructions and make dish after dish. It's like working for a Emeril if he had no soul except instead of getting paid, you pay 30 bucks. And instead of using actual utensils, you use a WiiMote, stylus or you finger—or you shake your iPad around. We know, we know: Somehow, this is a big seller. But is this game even sanitary? We'll leave that decision to the FDA, but it definitely isn't fun.
4 Leisure Suit Larry
4. Leisure Suit Larry
The idea of some schmuck chasing computer-generated chicks should be all kinds of kinky fun—and it probably was back when everyone had low expectations of '90s PCs. But the trip to consoles hasn't been a soft-porn step up. Leisure Suit Larry's made two console appearances, and both have been less memorable than the NFL Pro Bowl. That's partly because it isn't easy to do sexy humor (we just make it seem that way here at Complex), and partly because Leisure Suit Larry's babes wind up looking like softball-stuffed trailer trash.
The last game, released in 2009, was so bad it was titled Box Office Bust, and that's exactly what it was: a colossal bust with broken controls and an open world that managed to be boring despite loads of girls and a Hollywood backdrop.
3 Dynasty Warriors: Gundam
3. Dynasty Warriors: Gundam
Of all the horrible franchises out there, Dynasty Warriors: Gundam takes the cake because it does what few series can. Yes, Dynasty Warriors: Gundam marries two tired ideas in one convenient coaster of a disc. Koei first tried this in 2007, figuring it would invigorate its aging, decade-old Dynasty Warriors series with the melodramatic mechs from the aging Gundam cartoon. How'd that work out for ya?
Instead of laying button-mashing waste to human masses, we got to press the exact same buttons and do it to big metal robots. We yawned, but five people somewhere must have liked the game because Koei released another one in 2008, another in 2010 and—wait for it—one more last month.
Maybe Koei should pit the Gundams against the Power Rangers next time. You know, combine three horrible ideas and make a play for Worst. Game. Ever.
2 The History Channel war games
2. The History Channel's War Games
The History Channel has given us some solid TV—Pawn Stars has its moments—but video games? Not so much. We still remember falling asleep in History class whenever the teacher mentioned the Battle of...yeah, can't seem to recall that part. Guess what, the History Channel's pathetic line of games, isn't going to change the situation. Ok, ok, 2003's The Battle of Britain: World War II 1940 was a decent PC flight sim, but it's been all downhill from there. A bunch of lousy war shooters that last two hours (or as long as your next date will if you bring up History Channel gaming). The only good thing: At least you don't have to take a final exam.
1 Tony Hawk
1. Tony Hawk
Back when Neversoft was doing the Pro Skater thing in the late ’90s and early this decade, this series was so much fun it captured the imagination of people who'd never skateboarded a day in their lives (read: Us). Then Activision fell in love with the idea of controllers that are better than controllers and gave us a skateboard controller with 2009's Tony Hawk: Ride. One small problem: the skateboard NEVER WORKED, and instead of grinding off pixelated pavement, people just bashed the lousy peripheral into real cement. Ride was universally reviled, which prompted Activision to bundle another useless skateboarding gadget in Tony Hawk: Shred last year, reminding us yet again why we never thought skateboarding was fun in the first place.