10 Things We Learned About Picking Up Women From "The Bachelor" Season 18

As taught by love guru, Juan Pablo.

March 11, 2014

Image via Complex Original

The Bachelor is a show that trivializes the deepest of human emotions by facilitating a real-life harem for the purposes of American entertainment. In a lot of ways, it's a more reprehensible exhibition than anything happening on the Miley Cyrus Bangerz Tour.

But this is no time for a think piece about ABC's primetime lineup as it relates to the country's staggering divorce rate, especially when you have a love guru like Juan Pablo playing point guard. Now, JP isn't the smartest, or best dressed, or nicest dude in the world, but he has dated 27 women in the last nine weeks and that has to count for something.

Today, Complex Pop Culture curates Juan Pablo's game into an easy-to-digest slideshow. Behold, 10 Things We Learned About Picking Up Women From "The Bachelor" Season 18.

Girls love dudes who can dance. So, learn to dance.

Lesson: If you have the personality of Kevin Jonas on codeine syrup, you had better be able to shake your ass.

The ladies in The Bachelor mansion are very taken by Juan Pablo's ability to salsa dance, which is an important point for men everywhere. JP has all the personality of expired muenster cheese, but these women think he's "fun" because he can do beginner-level triple steps and spin turns. Every second you spend not watching a #NaeNae tutorial on YouTube is a second wasted. Learn to dance, bruh.

Women are blind to corniness when they’re competing against one another.

Lesson: Turn potential suitors into frenemies and you'll rack up more beachside make-out sessions than Mitch Buchannon.

Out of the 27 women who appeared on this season of The Bachelor, Clare and Renee are the only two contestants who can picture Juan Pablo as their husband without projectile vomiting on their Jimmy Choo booties. Like, Nikki pretends to be in love just so she can flash her engagement ring at Clare during the final rose ceremony and tell that "Hair Stylist, 32" to suck it. This is a game in which the winners get roses, so the doofus holding a bouquet—and therefore, the power—is the douche king.

Talking about your kid(s) will make women think you’re less of a butthole.

Lesson: If you want to go from a sex-crazed brute to compassionate human being in five seconds, talk about being a parent.

When in doubt—which is basically Juan Pablo's default state of mind—JP talks about being a father, and it makes him infinitely more sympathetic. This guy is otherwise as charming as an eight-car pile up, but when he gets going on his daughter he makes a Monarch-like transformation into a teddy bear with elegantly disheveled facial hair. Just when you want to bury JP, he says, "My only concerns is for my daughter Cah-mee-lia," and all is forgiven.

Chicks find accents hot.

Lesson: Fake an accent if you don’t have one already.

The contestants on The Bachelor talk about Juan Pablo's accent the way your mom talks about Bruno Mars. In fact, the palpable sexual energy with which these women discuss elongated syllables is enough to fog up your TV screen. So, adopt an accent (and not one from a weird country, like Luxembourg or Kurdistan). You definitely want to go with a descendant of the Romance languages; those ones are clinically tested and have proven successful.

Dates bank rolled by TV networks are 100x more magical than regular dates.

Lesson: If you're not renting yachts in the eastern Caribbean or hosting pool parties in your palatial California mansion, you must be a broke loser who doesn't get any.

The Bachelor stages these insane dates that involve a live performance from some bozo who finished fourth on The Voice and an opulent dinner near the mouth of an active volcano. It's easy for people to develop feelings on this show, mostly because someone else is picking up the tab on their $15,000 date nights. Of course, when the show ends these two people are stuck watching Netflix with a friend's stolen password, which explains why The Bachelor vaunts as many success stories as the 2013-'14 New York Knicks.

Henleys over everything! Chicks love henleys, apparently.

Lesson: Don't walk—run!—to the nearest J.C. Penney and shove as many collarless polos in the cart as you can fit.

Presumably, Juan Pablo is styled by people at ABC who've done their research and know exactly what appeals to their target audience of young women. And, if you're trying to turn on heterosexual females age 21-55, you clearly can't go wrong with a pastel henley and some wild sandals.

Breaking: Girls love guys who can bench press a Kia Optima.

Lesson: In the digital age, your shirtless selfie game has to be as tight as your career goals and credit score.

Juan Pablo looks like a guy who lives on a steady diet of SYNTHA-6 protein shakes and raw elephant seal meat. This dude could accelerate the black rhinoceros' countdown to extinction with his bare hands, man. You can tailor a jacket or get a $200 haircut, but—quite frankly—you're better off with pronounced traps and wind sculpted obliques. Take a page out of Juan Pablo's Guide to Beach Picnic Stunting and push steel until you throw up in the weight room.

Hot tubs are where the action happens.

Lesson: Even if you live in a 400-square-foot Brooklyn studio, a 10-person cedar hot tub is the best $5,000 you can spend.

In Season 18 of The Bachelor, there have been at least a dozen hot-tub scenes and pretty much all of them feature Juan Pablo licking the face of a conventionally attractive young woman. With a jacuzzi and, like, 40 fashionably arranged candles, you can't miss.

Ladies love a smooth talker.

Lesson: When you're as slick as Juan Pablo, you can talk yourself in and out of any situation.

In Episode 6, Clare confronts Juan Pablo for shaming her after the two had sex in a filthy ocean and JP responds by saying, “You caught me off guard and you were so happy. And, I was like, 'If I say no, she’ll be devastated right now.'”

LOL. Check mate, Clare.

You can't teach that kind of reckless moxie, you have to be born with it. Juan Pablo didn't choose the pompous ball bag life, the pompous ball bag life chose him. While acting like a spray tanned asshat has its pitfalls in real life, it's a strong plan of action when you're on a reality TV show.

But, eventually, they’ll figure out you’re a d-bag, even if you have your own TV show.

Lesson: Er, actually, maybe you should think twice before taking love lessons from Juan Pablo.

Despite $15,000 dates, bulging triceps, and a closet full of charmingly basic henleys, JP has been dumped twice. On. His. Own. Damn. Show. There's no substitute for being a decent, likeable human being, even when you have a solid wingman like Chris Harrison. Good luck out there, young men.