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Lead
Put your resolutions to good use before you even have a chance to fall off the wagon. This December 31, eploy your New Year's pledge as a pick-up line on four types of females—and leave absitnence to the quitters.
Here's how to get laid on New Year's Eve.
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Unrequited love
The Unrequited Love
(A.K.A. Platonic Purgatory)
Lines to use:
"I resolve to accept the fact that I have an exceptionally large penis."
"I resolve to finally tell you that I'm a multimillionaire."
I resolve to disbelieve what your ex said about you being lousy in bed..although I may have to get some proof eventually."
Line to avoid:
"I resolve to stop masturbating while weeping in that tree outside your house."
The Reach
The Reach
(A.K.A. She's Out of Your League)
Lines to use:
"I resolve to spend only six months on the space station this year."
"I resolve to stop taking President Obama's calls after 10 o'clock."
"I resolve to help alleviate the global water crisis by drinking my own urine—and donating the excess to the thirsty children of Moldova."
Line to avoid:
"I resolve to start helping Mommy do my laundry."
The Sure Thing
The Sure Thing
(A.K.A. 11:38 P.M.)
Lines to use:
"I resolve to find a use for my new flip cam."
"I resolve to get drunk as shit tonight and forget anything that happens."
"I resolve to totally ignore that hair on your upper lip."
Line to avoid:
"I resolve to start notifying former partners of my STD status."
The Ex
The Ex
(A.K.A. Tried and True)
Lines to use:
"I resolve to remember how good I had it with you."
"I resolve to stop wookin' pa nub in all the wrong places."
"I resolve to remind you how good you had it with me."
Line to avoid:
"I resolve to stop making fun of your cankles... But there's still five minutes 'til midnight, so here goes: You auditioning for an episode of 'Ren & Stumpy'? Yo, your high-tops called—they surrender! Damn, are those socks or sausage casings?!"