Image via Complex Original
Sure, humankind has come a long way since the wheel was invented, but—in the age of WiFi and space tourism—it’s a shame that we’re not driving around in hover cars and delegating household chores to an army of loyal robots. It’s 2014, and that means engineers need to chill with all the location-based thirst apps and start working on things that are important, like a teleporter or a pizza vending machine.
Since we’re not smart enough to design these things on our own, we’ve created a list of inventions that would make modern living 100x easier in the hopes of inspiring a brilliant entrepreneur or engineer. Let’s make these things happen, science. You’ve been slacking lately.
Adrenaline-Inducing Alarm Clock
Tagline: “Don’t just wake up. Turn up.”
Suggested retail price: $299
It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor; the most miserable part of your day is waking up in the morning. But if you’re, say, late for a job interview or wake up to the crackling sound of your bedroom curtains on fire, you go in an instant from a veritable zombie to Richard Simmons on Four Loko.
So scientists, let’s get to work on a shock, smell or frequency that tricks a person’s body into thinking that the sound of an alarm clock is actually a Mack Truck approaching the bedroom at 60 mph. If we can put a man on the moon, we can make rising and shining a seamless experience.
The Teleporter
Tagline: “When you need to get there, like, now.”
Suggested retail price: $40,000
Imagine being able to accept a job in New York City while living in a ski lodge in Utah, or ditching the frigid Chicago winter for a jaunt on South Beach with the touch of a button. The Teleporter eliminates the hassle of commuting, air travel, and shipping goods with one catchall device. Instead of Amazon drones and Google Glass, our world’s great engineers need to get busy with the transferring of photons. Like, now.
Questionable Life Choice Calculator
Tagline: “Helping you to make better decisions today.”
Suggested retail price: $149
Life deals out its fair share of tough decisions like, “Will I regret this tattoo of Terio’s likeness?” or “Is this expired yogurt still good?” The Questionable Life Choice Calculator is like a Magic 8-Ball, only it analyzes data, probability, and statistics before providing you with an answer. Bottom line: You need all the assistance you can get when it comes to making life choices and this device can help.
Everlasting Breath Mints
Tagline: “Freshness that lasts longer than you will.”
Suggested retail price: $29 per pack
The problem with breath mints and gum is that they do to your mouth what body spray does to a carnival Porta-Potty. Your breath is less offensive, but it’s still funky. But, if you have a mint that never dissolves, then you have optimal freshness whenever it’s in your mouth. If scientists can develop self-cleaning showers and Pepsi MAX, then everlasting fresh breath doesn’t seem so insurmountable. Right?
A Hangover Pill that Actually Works
Tagline: “For a better tomorrow.”
Suggested retail price: $14 per pack
There are a million supposed remedies and pills, but—so far—the case is still open on curing the dreaded hangover. It’s probably naïve to think that a pill can alleviate the pain of a dozen Fireball shots and a blue Curacao fish bowl drink from the night before. But, if the Wright Brothers had a sensible outlook on life, they never would have invented the airplane. Instead of pushing side effect-ridden feel-goods, Big Pharma needs to dump a few billion into remedying the consequences of YOLO-ing too hard.
Shampoo/Body Wash that Stunts Hair Growth
Tagline: “So fresh, so clean.”
Suggested retail price: $11 per bottle
The shelf life of a perfect haircut and elegant manscape is six days—tops. So, to prolong a man’s crispiness, we need a shampoo and body wash combination that effectually stops hair from growing. Use this product when your cut and body hair are at their finest, and never worry about unsightly back patches again.
The Neuralyzer
Tagline: “Like it never happened.”
Suggested retail price: $19,000
You may recall the neuralyzer from the Men in Black movies. It’s a device that clears a person’s recent memory and allows the device’s holder to communicate a completely different sequence of events. This portable electronic would be useful for people who need an occasional “take two” in life—which is pretty much all of us. Whether you’re caught cheating on a boyfriend/girlfriend or simply waved back at someone who wasn’t actually waving at you, this pocket-sized concussion generator is the perfect way to wipe the slate clean.
Autopilot for the Automobile
Tagline: “Your chauffer is waiting. Always.”
Suggested retail price: $10,000 option
With cars that can parallel park and stop on their own, the autopilot option seems like a logical next step. The roads are run amok with texting teenagers and black ice, so—every once in a while—it’d be nice to hand the keys over to a computerized chauffeur. We don’t want to see the roadways go full-blown Skynet, but enabling someone (or something) take the wheel is an idea that deserves the fast lane.
InstaFreeze Beverage Cooling Spray
Tagline: “Because warm beers are sad beers.”
Suggested retail price: $12
Short of hitting a case of Coors Light with a fire extinguisher, there’s not a lot you can do in the tailgate parking lot to instantly chill a warm beer. Well, InstaFreeze is a spray that turns searing suds into wintry refreshments with, like, science or whatever. Coolers are so 2014, man.
The Hover Board
Tagline: “The future is now.”
Suggested retail price: $899
If there’s one invention that needs to be on shelves this holiday season it’s The Hover Board. We’ve been deprived of the coolest looking form of transportation for far too long. People are out here embarrassing themselves on Segway scooters and long boards, while a levitating skateboard gets totally snubbed. Get busy, engineers and physicists. We need this one.