Image via Complex Original
Broham; women are like, hot, right? All over the fuckin' place. In your face with their curvaceous features just waiting to be devoured. Got you all flustered in person, so you can't really do anything but fiddle with your belt line and look at them like you're Hannibal Lecter and she's a fresh piece of white male between the ages of 25 and 45. Well, guess what? You don't have to go through the non-gregarious song and dance anymore because now we have the Internet. And the Internet has social media where every-fucking-body is as awkward as you.
But it's still hard out here for a pimp, or at least someone who would like to be one. So clever tactics to try and coerce a woman to lay with you on your Ralph Lauren Polo bear sheets is only plausible through social media. Your thirst cannot be visible through your facial expressions. They can only be hinted at through your likes, favorites, retweets and comments. Force her hand to satiate that. Peep #Thirstology: A 10 Step Guide to Picking Up Women on Social Media.
BROSEPH MONTANA lives on the Internet and is an expert in all things cultured. He was formerly Kanye West's speechwriter. Consider yourself fortunate to be in his presence.
Follow and unfollow her multiple times.
Oh she didn't see you follow her the first time and follow right back? Fuck her, we moving on. We don't need her anywa...sike, let's try this again because, you know, she might've just missed it or, like, was having a bad day or some shit, right? *Follow* *Wait 5 minutes* OH FUCK THERE SHE GO. You are officially in the danger zone so toot that horn and get ready to fulfill her e-dreams like the true player pimp you are falsely portraying.
Favorite her tweets, but don't retweet.
Dog, TRUST. Girls like it when you play hard to get. She's slightly upset because you won't give her the decency of sharing her complaint about the latest episode of Real Housewives of Compton or some shit, but when you favorite it? Damn, bruh. You've just unlocked Pandora's box of unlocking social media womens' box.
Don't be stingy with them emojis.
Emojis are a girl's best friend. The more the merrier. If you send a chick a full meals worth of emojis including some skrimps, a steak (or fish, whatever she prefers,) a glass of wine and an ice cream cone, she is obligated by unspoken agreement to let you smash with the force of Thor's hammer.
Like all of her Instagram photos.
Look bruh, you gotta let her know you're alive. What's the best way to get her to look at your Instagram pics of you flexin' hardbody or playing hopscotch with your niece (you know, to show that sensitive side?). You gotta like, like, 47 of her pictures, AT LEAST. Show that dedication, B. Show that you're down to look through her shit for 27 minutes without blinking because you're trying to dig through her sandbox.
Poke her on Facebook, followed by a message that says "Sup, girl"
The poke is the most ancient of ways to miggity-mack on the ladies, but it is oh so effective, breh. When you're poking, do you know what that means? That's a euphemism for, well, poking breh! You're already e-banging, practically, but to accentuate it with that "Sup, girl" and you can probably count on her asking you how you like your eggs cooked in the morning. In which you'd answered scrambled. With bacon bits. And cheese. With a side of toast. Wheat though because you're watching your carbs.
DM her the selfie you took at the gym right after working out.
"Damn yo. That workout got me looking a lil' swole right now." As soon as that thought hits your amygdala, flex them traps, give 'em the sensual lip-bite where it looks like it hurts to live without that particular woman and take a picture to cascade a young yummy away on your muscle-bound highway of love. This'll have 'em doing kegels in no time.
Make sure your bio is extra swaggy with descriptions like, "a lover not a fighter" " YOLO" and "Started from the bottom now I'm here"
The more Drake lyrics/song titles/haiku poems you can fit in that bitch, the better. Ladies on social media love that swag you have exuding from your profile, so you want that shit to seep into their soul. Or at least into their panties fixtures, yadadamean?
TWEET HER IN ALL CAPS SO SHE KNOWS IT'S REAL.
Yes, this may seem hella aggressive at first, but that's how these young scandalous women like it. You're practically raw-doggin' through Twitter when you slam on that capslock and SHOW 'EM WHAT YOU WORKIN' WIT.
Come to her defense in Instagram comments.
There's nothing worse than someone trying to put a beautiful woman down. Why you gotta try and make her feel ugly because you saw a couple strands of leftover hair from her morning shave? Doesn't he know that you are a fucking goddess? To you, there's nothing sexier than a woman who is so busy trying to get to the next task that they miss that part of their inner thigh with the patch of Chewbacca hair.
When in doubt, DM them a dick pic.
Look; let's be honest. They're obviously already following you for a reason. There is some interest. Well, let's see just how high that interest is by skipping the formalities and just giving them nice, strong peen right there in that in"box" for them to react to. Make sure you include a filter that accentuates the detailing on the veins so she knows you're about. That. BUSINESS.