Image via Complex Original
Every one of us had a textbook growing up that inspired intense double-takes. How did these covers make it past the publishers and the school board, and into the hands of impressionable children? Whether they're accidentally ridiculous or existentially frightening, those books demanded that you wrap them in a brown paper bag stat.
Relive the days of your youth (which are gone) and fear for future generations with these 25 unsettling textbook covers.
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Written by Brenden Gallagher (@muddycreekU)
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Internet
In the early days of the Internet, we had such hopes for how children would "surf the web." Now, it's a constant battle to keep your little one from learning about twerking.
Biology, Second Edition
We know that penguins are supposed to jump off of icebergs. It's what they do. But, if this penguin is supposed to be jumping off of this iceberg, why do the other penguins look so concerned?
Imagina: Español sin Barreras
This looks more like an alternate poster for Girl, Interrupted than a Spanish textbook. Is the idea here that we should want to learn Spanish so that we can throw ourselves more deeply into existential dread? Are we going to learn the vocabulary vital for the comprehension of postmodern philosophy?
This would have been enough to make us choose to learn French, and when we were in high school, Republicans wanted us to call french fries "freedom fries."
Human Sexuality, Second Edition
What would make you more comfortable talking about sexuality? Would flirtatious troll people put you in a place to delve into the nature of our carnality? Tell you what, we'll put a shooting star in the background and call it day.
How Green Were the Nazis?
On a list of question to ponder when discussing the Third Reich, this is way down the fucking list.
Fondements En Sciences De L'Exercise
The family that rollerblades together stays together—is this a thing people say in your country? Regardless of your feelings on rollerblading, you have to agree that it is not a "fundamental" exercise. Activities that involve getting around by attaching things to your feet instead of just using your feet are not fundamental.
Experiences With Foods
Judging by the cover, it looks like the experience this book advocates for women is to do the cooking while men smugly look on. Try it sometime. See how that goes.
Stone Age Economics
On second thought, the recent recession wasn't that bad. Sorry for complaining about limited job prospects.
Kids As Customers: A Handbook for Marketing to Children
How do you manipulate children to buy shit they don't need? How do you get them so excited that they'll scream at their parents until they get it? The key, as stated in this book, is that "Needs are not for products; products are for needs."
That is exactly the kind of Orwellian doublespeak you'll live with if you realize that dream of becoming a marketing executive. And for the record, all you need to manipulate children is candy.
Heredity in Relation to Eugenics
Eugenics, the idea of increasing the reproduction of the evolutionarily "desirable," and limiting the reproduction of those "less desirable," was taught in some schools as late as 1960. It's hard to believe that the idea of "selective reproduction" stood up to any scrutiny, but textbooks like these were far from uncommon in the 19th and early 20th centuries.
For those of you who couldn't guess, eugenics often leads to dictators killing large groups of people. So, no, you shouldn't combine it with a marketing degree.
Tactics for Listening
We won't get into our fathers' tactics for making us listen right now, as we are saving those stories for tell-alls on our personal blogs, but suffice it to say that we didn't need a book about it.
Eastern World
There's likely no better way to close the gap in the geography knowledge of American schoolchildren than to categorize an entire half of the globe as "the Eastern World."
For those who are confused by the term, the Eastern World includes the areas marked in red, which include Africa, most of Asia, Australia, and Antarctica. Pretty unimportant places, in other words.
Understanding Human Sexuality
Those are two torsos, right? Maybe not. No, those are definitely two torsos. Or not. Is this going to be on the test?
What Is Life? A Guide to Biology
Rejected Katy Perry lyrics: Do you ever feel like a zebra in the middle of San Fransisco?
A General Theory of Love
Have you ever seen a more depressing metaphor for love? Oh, you have. OK, have you ever seen a more depressing metaphor for love that involves chairs? Thought so.
Discovering Music Together
If discovering music together means we have to do it what that guy, we'd rather go deaf. You go ahead and take your cloak-wearing, pied-piper ass over that way, and we'll stay right here discovering music on our own time.
Handbok för Terapeuter
The Swedes train their assassins and therapists in exactly the same way. This hurts professionals in both fields when they compete on the world stage.
Rethinking Columbus
When you title a textbook Rethinking Columbus and place a photo of a cute indigenous girl on the front, your agenda is clear.
It won't surprise you, then, to hear that the right-wing suburb better known as as Arizona banned the book when they realized that the text told some harsh truths about America's accidental discoverer. The book ban was thrown down in Tuscon after the local school board voted to dismantle the city school district's Mexican Studies program.
If these incidents leave you with anything but terrible feelings, just know that the last time a book written by the "Rethinking Schools" team was banned, it was during apartheid in South Africa.
Identifying Wood
Who was the first person to laugh? Whoever unpacked the first box at the book store? The printers? The publisher? Was the author counting on residuals from ironic purchases? They had to know.
Mind Pump: The Psychology of Bodybuilding
No, that is not a still from a training montage shoehorned into an '80s action film; this is a book. Apparently, the text offers "a complete system of mental training."
If that's something you find yourself pining for as you blast nu-metal between sets on the squat rack, there's really a place for you. It's between these covers.
Bloody Ground, Our Ground: The Volunteer State Through 1860
When locals complained that nationally-issued textbooks were too corporate, the school board decided to go ahead and let the citizens author their own text to aid in the instruction of the children. They wanted to give them the chance to tell the story of their heritage on their own terms.
They will never make that mistake again.
Anybody Can Be Cool...But Awesome Take Practice
Finally, a textbook that everyone can get behind. Whether you studied theoretical physics, communications, or gender studies in college, you likely look back wishing that you'd minored in awesome. Unfortunately, the book isn't actually a guide to awesomeness; it's more of a Sunday school text book.
This has not stopped enterprising Amazon reviewers from mocking the book mercilessly.
It's Easy to Play Classical Themes
With a teacher this eager, how could you help but master the piano in no time? What a gracious instructor to be so close with a pupil, providing the support that he needs in his most difficult moments of—you know what, we'll stop right there.
A Day in the Life of Canada
What's a day in the life of a Canadian like? For Canadian children, life is about high-waisted shorts, holding your cat improperly, and wielding a baseball bat while wearing a wedding dress.
So long as this is the case, don't look for that AmeriUnion anytime soon.
Miracle of Life
Yes, that's a fetus in the middle of the cosmos. No, this is not a still from 2001: A Space Odyssey. This is the cover of a Russian textbook for elementary students. If you ever wondered what the secret was to the Russian stereotype about ceaseless existential despair, you've got your answer here: They start young.