Image via Complex Original
If you're anything like us, you have a hard time telling the difference between a female who you've met in reall life and have a genuine relationship with and a bot who wants nothing more than to show your her x-rated webcam. You see that sexy profile pic and just aren't sure if it is an old friend from high school or an imaginary person created to get you to enter your credit card information on an adult entertainment website. Fear not, intrepid Internet traveller, we have a few pointers to help you spot those pesky porn bots before they spam your email account and empty your bank account. For those of you who never learned the lesson that if something is too good to be true, then it probably is, we're here to remind you that the only time you get propositioned by attractive women on the Internet is in your dreams. Here are 10 Ways to Tell If Your New Facebook Friend is a Spam Bot.
10. She Wants to Show You Her Webcam
What women do you know personally that have their own webcam? Does your sister have an X-rated webcam? Does you mother have an X-rated webcam? Then what makes you think that someone else's sister or mother would have an X-rated webcam, unless they knew it could turn a profit? The closest thing to a webcam that women run for free are shitty vlogs where they share their feelings and favorite recipes. Think about how hard you have to work to convince a girl to send you a sexy selfie, let along a video.
A handy rhyme we use around the office: "Invite to a webcam means it's a web-sham."
9. She Wants A Lot of Personal Info
When was the last time someone encouraged you to talk about yourself? We imagine most of you answered "Kindergarden" or "AA." People don't want to hear about others if it doesn't provide them with an excuse to talk about thmeselves. If a sexy lady is chatting you up online and she asks you questions about you, it is time to get suspicious. Don't be tricked into giving away sensitive information just because "someone" is finally asking you about yourself. You might not think that it feels great to be asked questions about yourself if those questions involve routing and social security numbers, but in this cold, lonely world, being asked anything yourself can leave you vulnerable and willing to share your deepest financial secrets. Keep your guard up. That porn bot might just try to get to your wallet by tugging at your heartstrings.
8. Her Grammar Leaves Something to Be Desired
To be fair, pretty much everyone's grammar is terrible on the Internet. That being said, there is a clear difference between a friend who is being a tad casual with their syntax and a bot who misspells every other word. While we do our best not to let grammar impact our opinion of real people, we have no problem criticizing the grammar of machines. We have a built in excuse for our poor grammar: the frailty of human nature. What is the bot's excuse? Shouldn't computer generated people be able to spell by now?
7. She Wants to Show You Her "Amateur Sex Videos"
Don't get us wrong: if an actual woman wants to show you her homemade sex videos, that's a keeper. Shower her with gifts and take her home to Mom, because you're not going to do any better. Sorry to burst your bubble, but we have searched high and low for a woman who would share our interest in her making amateur pornos, and we have come up empty-handed every time. Though we are more than willing to show our amateur sex videos to ladies in some sort of barter situation, the only women we've found who are interesting in showing us their dirty videos are either created by the Internet or by our own imaginations.
6. You Look Back One Day and She's Gone
Just like so many actual loves, you may look back one day only to realize all trace of your digital love has disappeared. When real life love dries up, you can often find some kind of solace in the correspondance you shared with your inamorata when the flame of your love burned brightest. Even the beautiful sexy messages of a porn bot may be lost with time. When she is marked as spam or banned from Facebook, the poetic webcam offers from your favorite porn bot may be lost to you forever. The beautiful words of your love may be replaced with the dreaded phrase, "This message is no longer available because it was identified as abusive or marked as spam," which might be the coldest break-up note a man can receive.
5. She Don't Have A Lot to Say
Most men can appreciate an enigmatic woman of few words, but sometimes these bots push the limit. After starting out with a simple, "hi" or an emoji smiley face, they often repeat the same phrase over and over again, bludgeoning you into flirty chat submission. Just when you think that "she" won't be invite you to video chat again, there is another message in your inbox repeating the same phrase "she" has been throwing at you for months.
It's enough to make you want to turn down her request to video chat ... almost.
4. She Can't Stop Introducing Herself
Pleasantries are so often lost in the fast-paced modern world, and while a little formality is refreshing, porn bots take it to the extreme. These bots often can't stop greeting you long enough to tell you about their webcam. We appreciate how many different ways there are to greet one another, but to hear them from the same bot at the same time can often be downright depressing. If "she" says "Hello" to you more than once, she might just be nervous. If she says it more than half a dozen times, she's probably a spam bot.
3. Her Personal Website Is ... Unoriginal
Sometimes we just wish that porn bots would think of a more crative website names. It would be nice to see some added flair to the same old combinations of "pussy," "sluts," and "sexy" that dominate these sexbot URLs. Whether you can find her at sexsluts.com or sluttysex.com, it all just feels old hat. Why not toss in the name of a cuddly animal or an obscure European city once in a while? It would have to provide a competitive advantage. We've visted websites with similar names dozens of times before. How is your site going to offer anything different?
2. She Asks If You Want to Chat
When was the last time a woman asked you if you wanted to chat with her before she started talking to you? We all know Internet chatting is never about asking permission, even if you're sending a dick pic. The only thing we've ever been asked permission for on the Internet is to be added to a mailing list (Curse you Container Store!!!). If your lady asks before she chats, she might be porn bot.
1. It Appears as Though A Hot Girl You've Never Met Before Has Friended You
When was the last time a random hottie you've never met messaged you out of the blue on Facebook? The answer is never. If you think the answer is anything else and you aren't Ryan Gosling, then you're wrong. You just haven't yet admitted to yourself that you've been propositioned by a porn bot. It's okay. We've all been deceived. We all wish we lived in a world where random attractive women searched us out of the millions of people on Facebook just to show us no strings attached photos of their freshly waxed you-know-whats, but that isn't reality. We're sorry to be the ones to pull the porn bot veil from your eyes, but the sooner you realize that the only time random attractive women contact you online is when your company's HR department has to send you an email the better off you'll be. Be careful out there. Hopefully you find real love, but if not, at least we hope that you'll know when you're heartstrings are being tugged in hopes of convincing you to tug it to some random webcam.