Image via Complex Original
Summer is here, and that means that the tourists are flocking back to the Big Apple. That's right, a whole new crowd of women that you haven't had a chance to offend or put off yet. Now that you've alienated your co-workers and your friends are tired of setting you up, only to have the ladies report back that you're a boorish jerk, tourists are your last best hope. The best thing about tourists is that they are only in the Big Apple for about two weeks; even the worst pretender among us can hide their true selves for that long. Meeting tourists is the easy part. Simply make your way to such historic tourist attractions as the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, or the M&M store, and mack away.
Then comes the real challenge. After you take her to dinner at a Thai place [Author's Note: Always take her to dinner at a Thai restaurant if possible. They are cheap, but the decor looks expensive. And you'll get bonus points for seeming cultured.] and you have a couple discount drinks at a local watering hole where you know the bartender, things might get a little steamy. If you're anything like the Complex staff, you probably live in some godforsaken neighborhood in an outer borough, and you've learned the hard way that nothing spoils the mood like an hour long subway ride and a brisk walk past half a dozen crack dens. You don't want to take her back to your place, but you certainly want to get it on. What's a man to do? We're here to help. When you've got a Hungarian hot and bothered or you've successfully seduced a Swede it's time to take her to one of the 10 Best Places in New York to Have Sex With Tourists.
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10. Museum of Natural History
Most of the other locations on this list are great because they offer a level of discretion. The Natural History Museum is a perfect place to hook-up because you can have your fun in plain sight. Sure, you can post up behind a wooly mammoth or dinosaur skeleton, but why not sneak your lady into the indigenous people's display and act as though you are just part of the exhibit? You'll commune with history as you warm yourselves next our anceint ancestors first attempt at fire. We recommend waiting until the weekend to try this time travelling adventure. If you get caught during the week, it will likely be by school children on field trips. If you're freaky activity is discovered on the weekend, it it will likely be by a visiting couple in search of culture, and the resulting charges will be less severe.
9. Macy's Herald Square Changing Rooms
How come we recommend Macy's over all of the other unbearably busy midtown department stores? Macy's employees just care a little bit less, and that makes all the difference. A generous tourist discount that draws a capacity crowd coupled with reportedly unbearable management have produced a workforce at Macy's Herald Square that cares less than any we've retail staff we've ever encountered. It's hard to blame them: with the shrieking babies, inhumane restroom line, and uninspiring merchandise, it would be tough for anyone to put their best foot forward in this environment. The staff's loss of soul is your gain, as they won't bat an eye if you and your lady sneak into the changing room for a quickie. Don't be bashful about asking her to use her discount to get you a nice pair of slacks while you're there: multi-tasking is an essential skill for any New Yorker.
8. Williamsburg
Everything is cooler in Brooklyn, but you already knew that. This is even true of sex. Do whatever you have to do to secure an evening in Williamsburg a.k.a. the only place in Brooklyn tourists are willing to go. Why is Williamsburg a premiere destination for sexual dalliances? Though the culture of hipsterdom seems to be on the decline, there is still nothing quite like having sex ironically. If you get to Bedford Ave. early enough, you'll still be able to pick up some artisanal cheeses, a floppy hat, and a ukelele to incorporate into your erotic performance. If you find that sexual activity in Billyburg is just too mainstream, you can always get back on the L and try your luck in Bushwick. Yes, Bushwick is a bit more of a rough neighborhood, but maybe that is how she likes it.
7. A Dive Bar
This is another one of those tried and true hook-up spots. Dive bars have been the destination for sloppy hook-ups for many years, not because they are at all romantic, but because no one bats an eye at a desperate, messy bar hook-up. The key here is to make sure that the bar is actually a dive and not a bar manufactured to look like a dive. It is difficult to tell simply by looking at the decor; both the genuine article and imitators offer the same wobbly stools and a worn pool table. At a fake dive bar, the beers are two dollars more expensive and the jukebox has top forty offerings, but not much else is different. The bathroom above is from the now defunct Mars Bar, so unfortunately, you won't be able to take your lady to this lovely lavatory for your hook-up. For those seeking a substitute, might we recommend Sophie's, Lucy's or Josie's—basically any bar with a woman's name and taxidermy on the walls in the East Village.
6. Central Park
We don't need to tell you that going into the bowels of Central Park after hours can be risky business. Don't worry, there are plenty of trees and bushes right off of the roads for you to duck into, so you won't have to go into dark heart of the park. Once you've taken your lady on a romantic carriage ride, well, once you've settled for a pedi-cab ride because it is far cheaper, the lights from the skyscrapers and the endless horn honking from the taxis will put you in the mood to get natural. Take your lady's hand and lead her into the tree-line right off of one of the park entrances and become one with man-made nature. Many areas of the park have high stone fences to provide extra protection from prying eyes, so don't be afraid to get a little freaky. Your lady will likely be grateful for the experience; since she elected to come to a metropolis rather than experience America's natural splendor, this will be the closest thing to wilderness she experiences during her travels.
5. The Back of A Cab
Cliches exist for a reason. The sweaty leather of a cab seat is a tried and true spot for heavy petting. We are huge proponents of the back-of-cab hookup and we've discovered a couple things you need to consider to maximize your pleasure ride. Make sure you're going at least thirty blocks. If traffic is light, you'll barely get started before you don't get a chance to finish. We're not suggesting that you go to the outer boroughs, because cabs won't take you there anyway, but be sure that you have time to have some fun. You should also remember to be couretous to your cab driver. Position your lady on top of you rather than the other way around, so he doesn't have to catch your sweaty mug in his rearview mirror. Finally, tip well, because the experience was probably not as enjoyable for him as you think it was.
4. A Sex and the City Tour Bus
Sex and the City bus tours might be high on the list of places that you wouldn't be caught dead, but desperate men take desperate measures. You might think it counterintuitive to get busy on a crowded bus, but your fellow travellers will be so focused on the cosmos and brunches dancing in their heads, they won't even notice you and your lady in the back getting busy. Your date will appreciate the thoughtfulness of this gesture, as you will help her find out once and for all is she is a Samantha or a Charlotte, if you know what we mean. A word to the wise: before you sign up, be aware that some of these are actually walking tours, which is not ideal for sex.
3. Fifth Avenue Apple Store
Why would you get busy in one of the busiest retail stores on Earth? When you don't have any other options, that's when. The Apple Store at Fifth Avenue is open twenty-four hours a day, everyday, so even if you are stumbling back from some fake-ass midtown Irish pub at three in the morning, you can always follow the white fruit-shaped beacon to find your way to a temporary home. Be warned, there aren't many places to get discretely freaky in the Apple Store, except, perhaps behind the Genius Bar. The store is basically a cement dungeon with some sleek wooden tables scattered throughout. The good news is that the overnight crew is so exhausted from working their unpaid dream jobs as actors, dancers, and circus performers that they are too bleary-eyed to care. Sneak into the corner near the iPhone cases, embrace tenderly, and do your thing. We doubt anyone will stop you. If they do try to interrupt you, simply bribe them by agreeing to purchase Apple Care.
2. The Bathroom at a Times Square Chain Restaurant
Eating at one of the chain restaurants in Times Square is generally a terrible experience, but hooking up in their bathrooms is one of the best. These neon montrosities are far larger than they should be, and so are the bathrooms. Normally, bathroom hook-ups are cramped, complicated affairs. Getting it on in the Applebee's or T.G.I.Friday's bathroom in Times Square presents the opposite problem: there is almost too much room. Be selective when choosing your hook-up bathroom: just as each of these restaurants has a theme, so do the bathrooms. Do you want Jimi Hendrix and Elvis to watch from Andy Warhol knock-off posters while you prop her up on the sink? Hard Rock Cafe is the spot for you. Do want a dose of manufactured Southern hospitality while you show her your Southern hospitality? Head over to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Just lock the door behind you. You don't need some visor-wearing dad from Iowa getting an eyeful when he pops in to wash his hands.
1. Their Hotel Room
Sometimes the simplest solution is the best one. If your lady gives you the go-ahead to swing by her hotel room, say yes before she has the chance to change her mind. Remember, tourists are travelling to another country, so they have more money than you. It is likely that this hotel room is going to come with some some perks. If your girl is simply the daughter of prime minister, this will mean some scented soaps and a stocked mini-bar. If her father is an oil baron or defense contractor, then you've hit the jackpot. She might be staying in a room with a private waterfall or sand in the bathroom instead of tile. Who knows what wonders await you as a rich young woman's temporary kept man? There's only one way to find out.
Beware: young women often travel in groups and stay two or more to a room, and threesomes only happen to people who aren't you. if you want to insure that your night goes off without a hitch, enlist that one straight male friend you have who lives in Manhattan as wing man for the evening. Call in whatever favors you need to in order to make sure that he'll take her friend back to his cramped, roach-infested studio while you and your girl order room service on her dad's expense account.