Image via Complex Original
13.
For better or worse, we probably won't see a phenomenon like American Pie again. One reason is financial. The four American Pie films took in a combined gross of roughly a billion dollars, and spawned a series of four direct-to-video atrocities that further padded the franchise's bottom line. Released in 1999, American Pie was made for a mere $11 million and returned an international gross of almost a quarter billion dollars. In this era of mammoth blockbusters complimented by the rare festival circuit darling, the mid-budget studio film that makes good is largely a thing of the past.
Not only is American Pie a relic of a bygone era in terms of financing, but it is also of a genre that may be lost to time. The raunchy sex comedy saw its heyday in the '80s with films like Meatballs, Porkys, and Revenge of the Nerds. Though these movies defined the comedic sensibilities of a generation, they don't age well. These films tend to read today as only kind of funny and very sexist. The late '90s and early aughts saw a resurgence of raunchy teen fare that has endured a bit better and offered a slight improvement in their depiction of women. Since then, we've turned away from the sex comedy. The box office successors to American Pie have leaned in other directions. Superbad relies on embarrassment rather than raunch. The Hangover is more about drunken adventure than sexual escapades. Today, in an era where women are finally starting to consistently headline comedies and the Internet offers a steady and vital critique of the "boys will be boys" attitude, American Pie and its peers feel like what they are, antiquated artifacts from a different time.
It would be easy to write about all of the problematic moments in the American Pie series, and some moments are so egregious that you can't talk about the scenes around them without addressing the elephants in the room. Despite these less than tasteful moments, it is worth remembering the comedic triumphs of the series. The elegantly choreographed grossness of the series' best physical comedy hasn't been matched since. There is a strain of youthful, devil-may-care comedy in these films that isn't common today, and in the series' best moments, hasn't been done better. Let's reach back to the heyday of Blink-182 and bucket hats and remember All of the Embarrassing Sex Moments in the American Pie Movies, Ranked.
12.Aborted BDSM
Film: American Reunion
In American Reunion, Jim and Michelle attempt to spice up their sex life the only way that film couples seem to know how: ridiculous BDSM costumes. And wouldn't you believe it, Jim ends up in his full leather get up on the front lawn of the party in full view of all of his former classmates. Though the mechanics of getting Jim out there involve mistaken identity and a perky young babysitter with the hots for Jim's dadbod, the execution is lackluster.
11.Jim's Dad Talks Passing the Torch
Film: American Reunion
Though much of the great sexual humor in the American Pie movies is physical, Eugene Levy's verbal gifts make his sequences some of the funniest, most nimble bits in the films. One of the most memorable scenes in the uneven American Reunion is Noah's (Eugene Levy) attempt to wistfully explain the potential joys and difficulties of Jim explaining masturbation to his future son. The sequence is just as convoluted and hilarious as it sounds. Once Mr. Levenstein launches into, "Before you know it, he's going to be a teenager, and you'll be teaching all about masturbation: all the dos and all the don'ts ..." you know it's all down hill from there.
10.Mom Walks In
Film: American Pie
This is the moment that started it all. American Pie begins with Jim's mother (Molly Cheek) walking in on him masturbating to scrambled pornography. First of all, let's pour one out for the generation that had to deal with scrambled porn when we now have every known variety, and many we don't yet know about, at our finger tips.
While later installments of the series would concoct far more ridiculous and complicated scenes of sexual embarrassment, you have to respect the simple, and sadly universal, experience of moms walking in on their sons cranking it. The scene also delivers the first of many Eugene Levy trademark calm, rational responses, that remind you exactly why the man is a national treasure.
9.Everyone's Caught Masturbating
Film: American Reunion
For some reason, couples on film are hurt when they catch their significant other pleasuring themselves. Characters in movies tend to have this idea that if they walk in on their partner jerking off or making creative use of a shower head, this means that the romantic flame of their relationship has been extinguished. In this iteration of this odd trope, Jim is trying to covertly masturbate to porn when his son walks in on him. In typical Jim fashion, he crushes his penis in his laptop, after an embarrassed attempt to shut it. As he tries to give his little guy first aid (his penis, not his son), he walks in on Michelle taking care of business in the bathroom. Though we do get some great shots, like Jim's cum sock landing on his toddler's head, we are left wondering why exactly it's a big deal if adults want to crank it to porn or deploy their shower head in submarine tactics once in a while.
8.Dorm Room Hookup
Film: American Pie 2
American Pie 2 kicks off in much the same way as the first film: with a sexual rite of passage. This time Jim is in college and hooking up with random girls like you do in college. He clearly hasn't gotten much practice since his prom night band geek sexual premiere though, and his one afternoon stand does her best to coach him up before his parents walk in. Then, somehow, her parents walk in, which is kind of amazing, if a little farfetched.
7.Dog Sex
Film: American Wedding
Stifler's defiling of Jim and Michelle's engagement cake results in one of the greatest tableaus in cinema history. No one has an easy relationship with their in-laws, but if in your first meeting with them, it looks like you and an old buddy are gang banging their dog, it's probably going to be tough from then on.
6.Jim Is Premature
Film: American Pie
As was mentioned before, some parts of American Pie age poorly. The films tend to walk a fine line, and sometimes they dip into sexism or homophobia, usually only for a brief moment. Cultural norms have changed in the fifteen years since American Pie, and usually, you can write off these trespasses as a product of the time. Unfortunately, one of the most intricate and well-paced embarrassing sex sequences in the series plays today as a malicious criminal act.
Jim finally convinces Nadia (Shannon Elizabeth), the gorgeous exchange student, to come over to his house to study, and he sets up a web cam to record the session (gross). For some reason, Nadia decides that before they can study, she needs to change. While she changes, she opts to look at some of Jim's porn and masturbate (because that would ever happen). All the while, not only are Jim's friends watching, but the entire school has somehow gotten access to the stream (It was the early days of email, okay?).
When Jim realizes Nadia is practically naked in his bed, he rushes back from watching the feed to his place to get in on the action. His attempt to join the fun results in a parade of personal embarrassment. He is forced to dance for her and then prematurely ejaculates... twice. Though Jim's embarrassment in front of the entire school is a great bit, and Jason Biggs plays the waves of shame well, the invasion of privacy that it takes to get there looks like it should in 2015: a creepy, invasive sex crime.
5.Naked in the Kitchen
Film: American Reunion
This is the only moment in the series where we get a full-on shot of Jim's penis. So, if that's something you've been waiting for, make sure you catch the unrated version. After a night of partying with the boys, Jim wakes up pantsless in the kitchen (we've all been there, right?). He tries to hide his shame behind the island, but is undone when he attempts to grab paper towels as he covers himself with a pot lid. The pot lid is clear, and we see Jim's squished penis in all of its lack of glory.
4.An American Proposal
Film: American Wedding
This bit offers one of the most hilariously cringe-worthy moments in the entire series. On the night Jim is plans to pop the question, Michelle is taken by his sweetness and opts to give him a blow job under the table at the obligatory fancy restaurant where people in movies propose. Never mind the logistics of this, this is a power move on Michelle's part. If only all of us could someday experience that kind of love. Jim would have popped the question after Michelle finished under table, but wouldn't you know it, he forgot the ring at home. Jim's Dad comes to the rescue and unintentionally causes Jim's penis to be paraded around for the entire restaurant to see followed Michelle receiving a haughty dose of slut-shaming from the other restaurant patrons.
In what is truly a classy move, Jim goes through with the proposal anyway and announces, "I'm the happiest person in the world." As soon as he does, his pants fall down again, and his boner confirms his previous statement.
3.Masturbation With Super Glue
Film: American Pie 2
Of all of the liquids you could mistake for other liquids, mistaking super glue for lube has to be one of worst mistakes you can make. As if masturbating with super glue wasn't bad enough, Jim manages to glue a porn tape to his hand, call 911, end up on the roof, and get caught by the police following his own call. It has been said that endings should be both satisfying and inevitable. If this is true, the police asking Jim to put his hands up when one of those hands is glued to his penis has to be one of the greatest endings to a comedic sequence of all time.
2.Lesbians
Film: American Pie 2
This may be the most intricately choreographed sequence in American Pie history, so it deserves a point by point breakdown.
The boys get a job painting houses for the summer. Of course, they are assigned to paint the home of a hot lesbian couple. They own a Melissa Etheridge poster, so you know they are lesbians. They find the lesbian couple's dildo one day when they are on the hunt for proof that the couple are actually lesbians, because apparently, the Melissa Etheridge poster isn't enough. Stifler, Jim, and Finch end up in the lesbians' bedroom with the dildo when the couple arrives home unexpectedly early. Thanks to the other guys who are on lookout with walkie-talkies, the boys are able to hide from the lesbians. The guys do a solid job of hiding at first, but are eventually found out and the lesbians threaten to call the cops. The boys protest and claim they will do anything the lesbians want if they don't call the police. After hearing this, the lesbians decide to have some fun with the boys.
The lesbians offer to perform sexual acts on each other, but only if the boys will do it first. This exchange goes well to start. Stifler grabs Jim's ass; the lesbians grab ass. Stifler and Jim kiss; the lesbians kiss. All the while, the walkie-talkies are transmitting evidence of this exchange all over town. Then comes the moment of truth. The lesbians announce that if the boys go for a hand job, they will unlock access to their wildest fantasies. This, of course, is a bridge too far for the young men, who are comfortable with their sexuality, but not that comfortable. Not only do they disappoint Stifler, but they let down the entire male population of the town, who are now listening in.
This sequence is about regret, about lust, and growing up. It is a true work of art.
1.Jim Fucks the Pie
Film: American Pie
Ah, the pie fucking that launched a thousand mediocre raunchy teen comedies. This moment ushered in a new comedic era after instantly becoming a cultural phenomenon. This remains one of the most memorable film comedy moments of all time, and more importantly, caused an entire generation to never look at pie the same way again.