Image via BBC
Unless you have a time machine, you won't be able to watch all 798 episodes of Doctor Who in time to catch up to today's special 75-minute episode commemorating the show's 50th anniversary. In part you'd need a time machine because nearly 80 episodes were destroyed in the BBC archives (though some of them still survive as audio clips thanks to fans who recorded the transmissions) but mainly because you wouldn't have enough time.
In order to catch up on longest running sci-fi television show in history (take that, Star Trek), you would need to take about month of sick days, find a bowl of popcorn the size of an Olympic swimming pool, and maybe invest in a pair of glasses, because you're going to strain your eyes something serious. With half a century of Doctors, companions, extraterrestrial characters, time traveling escapades, and millions of worlds to see, you've got a long way to go. Or you could take the short cut (spoilers) and jump into Everything You Need to Know About Doctor Who. Either way, let's do this. Hop in my TARDIS, shorty.
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The Doctor
After demolishing two races in the Time War, "The Renegade" shed his past and renamed himself "The Doctor." He left to explore the wonders of the universe, helping those in need along the way.
An enigma through and through, the Doctor seems to know everything about everyone, but only a handful of people in the entire universe even know his name. Each generation reveals a different side of the Doctor— it's like he's a different person (wink wink, nudge nudge). Maybe he's the savior of humanity, or maybe he's just a mad man with a box.
The Companion
The Doctor sure likes the ladies, especially redheads. While the Doctor's companions do get into trouble and require some saving, they'd definitely kick the shit out of you if you called them damsels in distress.
Smart, spunky, strong, and stubborn as hell, each companion complements the Doctor's eccentricities with a touch of humanity, adding a poignancy to his alienating logic. The Doctor's companions come and go throughout the series. Sometimes they return home, sometimes it's just time for them to live their own lives, and sometimes they die, like the Doctor's most recent companion, Clara Oswald (not pictured, but RIP).
After diving into the Doctor's timestream, "The Imposible Girl" became millions of fragmented of versions of herself dispersed throughout time and space that kept dying in order to stop the Intelligence (just remember that word). After diving in after her, the Doctor and Clara reunited and the upcoming special episode will continue where they left off.
The Wife
Imagine if a mysterious woman came up to you, told you that she was your wife from the future, helped you save the day, and then disappeared. Confident, smart, and a sharp shooter—that woman is River Song, the Doctor's wife. Conceived in the TARDIS (that's the Doctor's box—we'll get to it in a minute), River Song is human but with a Time Lord-esque understanding of the complexity of time and the ability to regenerate.
She and the Doctor have a relationship that's like every Rachel McAdams time traveling rom-com wrapped into one, except less cheesy, with less crying and more awesome.
The TARDIS
Don't judge a 1960s police box by its cover—it's actually a spaceship that travels through time and space. The acronym stands for "Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space." The Doctor acquired the TARDIS on the terms of "finders, keepers" and it has become the Doctor's most faithful companion. This is possibly the most intimate bond between a man and a box ever seen on TV. Oh, and it's bigger on the inside.
Sonic Screwdriver
Talk about men and their toys. The sonic screwdriver, the pinnacle of Gallifreyan technology, was invented by the First Doctor, who chose to tinker around by himself instead of pursuing a woman. The screwdriver can basically do anything (except work on wood) but a woman...well, he made his choice and he can live with that regret.
Weeping Angels
Imagine Boo from Super Mario, but with an unsatiable hunger for humans. The Angels feed off of human time energy created by zapping humans into the past with the touch of a finger. These victims live out the rest of their lives in a different time period. It's merciful compared to the other option—snapping the victims' neck. The Angels can move at lightning speed but turn to stone whenver they are being watched—so don't blink.
The only way to kill an angel to starve it, trick it into staring at another angel (ask Carey Mulligan), or destroy their stone form (harder than it looks). Perhaps the loneliest creatures in existence, Angels can't even look at each other without turning to stone. The image of an Angel becomes an Angel, even a memory. Angels can also turn other statues into Angels, which is bad news for New Yorkers when the Angels take Manhattan.
Cybermen
In the fallacious evolutionary hierarchy, cybermen are "upgraded" humanoids (any species, not limited to humans, that have a human like build, so basically torso, limbs, and a face). Invented in an alternate universe by a man who was clearly hardened by one too many traumatic experiences with Apple Time Machine, Cybermen can store unlimited information that will never be lost and travel around with the ultimate goal of converting all humanoids into cyborgs. A special implant in the brain prevents cybermen from feeling emotions, which ironcally is their greatest weakness. If the implant is damaged, it can no longer supress the agony and pain from the traumatic conversion that will crush the Cyberman in an agonizing overload of emotions. Golden bullets work, too.
Time Lords
Time Lords are like humans, except with absolute power and the ability to regenerate and live for centuries. The Time Lords were once the oldest and mightiest civilization, watching over the universe from the planet Gallifrey. Their ability to control time, manipulate paradoxes, and traverse parallel worlds allowed them basically unchecked control over the structure of the universe. "Allowed" being past tense, as the all of the Time Lords were obliterated in the Time War except the Doctor.
Daleks
Daleks are the archenemies of Time Lords since, well, since forever—but they're essentially enemies of any species, anywhere. Daleks are xenophobic cyborgs who only exist to exterminate any impurities, sometimes including "contaminated" Daleks.
They're the worst—like every tyrant, political dictator, mass murdering autocrat rolled into a stumpy robotic Christmas tree that wouldn't look out of place in a medieval torture chamber. Unlike Cybermen, Daleks recognize emotion enough to manipulate it for personal gain, but only have the capacity for hate. For supreme destroyers of the universe, Daleks have a rather long list of weaknesses, including dinosaurs (fair), no imagination (due to a dependence on machinery and technology), and profound insanity.
Trenzalore
Trenzalore is where the Doctor is buried, and since the Doctor can travel through time and space he can visit his own grave, postmortem. And he does. Obviously this is a huge time travel no-no since crossing his own timeline is paradoxical and all, but the Doctor has no choice if he wants to save his friends from the Great Intelligence.
The Doctor is forced to break into his own tomb, exposing his personal time stream which gives instant access to the Doctor anytime and anywhere in the time-space continuum. The seventh season finale leaves off with the Great Intelligence, Clara, and the Doctor plunging into a tear in reality for the cliff hanger that will stand the test of time...and patience as the 50th anniversary special draws nearer.
Great Intelligence
How brilliant and terrifying is this? A villan that is a state of elementary consciousness. The Great Intelligence were once beings that lived in a universe that preceeded this one. Upon its destruction, the Intelligence escaped but became trapped in this universe as disembodied agglomeration of thoughts in search for a physical existence.
The Intelligence can possess and control other forms, and even has the power of telekinesis. The Intelligence last assumed the form of a former servant, Walter Simeon, before jumping into the Doctor's time vortex to undo all of the Doctor's work at the end of the seventh season finale.
Last Great Time War
Empires have conquered the Earth in the name of God and all of his creations, conservaties and liberals are fighting the creation of life, and even four states are up in arms over the story of creationism. But this all pales in comparison to the Last Great Time War, a raging battle between Daleks and Time Lords with the sake of creation itself on the line.
Time Lords are masters of time, but Daleks are literally destroying machines with the ability to telepathically communicate, so you can imagine which side had the better battle strategists. Cornered, Time Lords proposed transcending into pure consciousness, ostensibly suiciding time and creation. The Doctor stopped this by trapping Gallifrey, Time Lords, and Daleks into a destructive time lock where they would live in the hell of battle for eternity. Somehow a Dalek survived and went on to create an even more powerful and vengeful line of Daleks. Fail.
Restoring and Rescusing Humanity
The Doctor is literally the universal savior of humanity. On a basic level, he travels through time and space making sure aliens, robots, and other forces of evil don't invade Earth and eliminate humans. But why does the Doctor care? As far as species go, we're pretty awful—we hate, we're shallow, we lie, we're weak, we manipulate, we destroy, and we're pretty dense.
Nevertheless, there's something redeemable about us sustaining this affinity and the Doctor is determined to draw it out. And when you think about it, isn't that the point of a doctor?