Tom Haverford's New Dictionary of American English

Throw out everything you learned in school.

Complex Original

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With the new season of Parks and Recreation under way, we realize how empty our Thursdays have been without Tom Haverford's office-casual polos, skinny ties, tailored blazers and the occasional ascot. This season the man once called (by himself) "Brown Superman with a Beard" and "The Brown Gosling” suits up to take on new challenges, namely pursuing Nadia and shutting down his Rent-a-Swag competitors.

Pawnee’s swankiest entrepreneur is also a master rebrander. He changed his name from Darwish Sabir Ismael Gani and rechristened himself Tom Haverford, confident ladies man. He proudly rocks the peacock and makes orange hats cool (just go with it, OK?). Tom operates on another level of "Adam Sandlers" (sandwiches), "Hot Ice" (water), and "Malt Whitmans" (40s).

He's literally (lit-er-ally) at the vanguard of a lexicon revolution. Study up and learn to talk the talk with Tom Haverford's New Dictionary of American English.

Old-Ass Grapes

Definition: Raisins

Vanilla Ice

Definition: Soft-serve ice cream

Bust-a-Nut

Definition: Nutella

Lazy Gaga

Definition: Lasagna

Notorious P.I.G.

Definition: Pork

Cereal Sauce

Definition: Milk

Malt Whitmans

Definition: 40s

Oink Steaks

Definition: Pork chops

Gucci Mane or Guaca Guaca Flame

Definition: Guacamole

Punky Brewsters

Definition: Beers

Adam Sandlers

Definition: Sandwiches

Fro Yo Ma

Definition: Frozen yogurt

LL Cool Ade

Definition: Lemonade

Tea-Pain

Definition: Tea

Celery Swank

Definition: Celery

Lil' Surprises

Definition: Dumplings

Kanye Blood

Definition: Ketchup

Teacher Candy

Definition: Apples

Lil' Bow Wows

Definition: Cocktail Weiners

Hot Ice

Definition: Water

Chew Chew Trains

Definition: Gum

Muhammad Alis

Definition: Boxers

Busta Rinds

Definition: Pork rinds

Milk on the Rocks

Definition: Ice cream

Proud Cheerios

Definition: Fruit Loops

Lil' Flapperz

Definition: Hot wings

Cabbage Patch Kids

Definition: Brussel sprouts

Tickle Water

Definition: Seltzer

Deja Food

Definition: Leftovers

Food Rakes

Definition: Forks

Hulk Wieners

Definition: Pickles

Better Faster Stronger Water

Definition: Gatorade

Bear Drool

Definition: Honey

Pre-birds/Future Birds

Definition: Eggs

Leaf Piles

Definition: Salads

Biggie Smalls or Tiny-Ass Lobster

Definition: Jumbo shrimp

Bean Blankies

Definition: Tortillas

Cream-Filled Criminals

Definition: Cannolis

Pee Cologne

Definition: Asparagus

Lame Cookies

Definition: Crackers