Image via Complex Original
When you think about Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, Dads, and the Keeping Up with the Kardashians, it’s easy to shake your head and long for the good ol’ days of after-school programming like Pokémon and Saved by the Bell. Doesn’t society need a different set of role models? When did Duck Dynasty replace the Banks and “ratchet” become the new “ghetto”? (Note: both are still inappropriate appropriations)
Pop culture is more like Lost, where each season builds off the previous one even though sometimes things make no sense and happen anyway. Nothing starts anew, with a blank slate like American Horror Story. Keeping that in mind, perhaps we should take the time to scrutinize the '90s, which is arguably the fourth most nostalgicized decade after the '20s, '60s, and '70s.
The '90s certainly wasn’t the epitome of cool—come on, scrunchies? OK, fine we can still reminisce, but let’s not skip over the difficult parts. Take a closer look with 15 Things You Attempted Because '90s TV Shows Made It Look Easy.
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Shot milk out of your nose.
As seen on: Hey Arnold
It's the hallmark of cartoon hilarity, but how awkward is it when someone actually does this? Kind of gross, right? You think you're physically dapping up your friend's excellent joke but expelling cow juice from your nostrils, but then everyone starts backing away from your drippy face. When you think about how the nasal cavity connects to the back of the eyes and milk is a coagulation of calcium, phosphorus, and fat, this shit becomes super gross.
OD'd on orange soda.
As seen on: Kenan and Kel
Kel loved orange soda. We loved Kel. ("Welcome to the Good Burger.") By the transitive property, we too loved orange soda. Unfortunately orange soda did not love us back and took us on a rollercoaster of sugar highs and crushing sugar lows. We were so excited. And then so, so scared.
Swallowed a Caterpillar.
As seen on: Rugrats
Roly-pollies and beetles were nothign for Phil and Lil. Those kids were so fearless about food, they must be the love twins of Anthony Bourdain. Bugs are actually a bountiful source of protein, so it makes more sense to dig up some grubs for free in your backyard than to pay $10 for Brazil nuts from Whole Foods. We'll probably just stop by Whole Foods or get the generic equivalent from Duane Reade since we still can't past the whole bug thing.
Earned a yellow belt.
As seen on: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Martial arts is a pretty vague term thrown around to refer to any Asian system of self-defense. Anytime someone wheeled off a roundhouse kick on TV, 15 10-year-olds signed up for karate class. They wanted a colored belt, and yellow seemed attainable. (Though let the record show that karate is not the same as kung fu.) And three months later the group of 10-year-olds dropped out to try soccer when they found out that martial arts is 80% discipline, patience, and concentration. Soccer, at a young age, is 80% clusterfuck and 20% oranges at halftime.
Danced the hula.
As seen on: Recess
If hula dancing were easier, school dances would have been infinitely more fun. Not to mention, exponentially more people would have more moves than the "white boy shuffle" and embarrassing Juvenile-inspired-but-modified-for-Bar-and-Bat-Mitzvah-consumption "Back That Azz Up" routines.
Got a dog.
As seen on: Doug
Porkchop transcends the dog archetype of man's best friend. Part of Doug's moral compass, he helped the young player make decisions and do the right thing. He also lived in a sick igloo-style dog house and was pretty self sufficient. Your dog, acquired through much begging, was self-sufficient only in that you didn't need to help him shit inside the house. You just had to clean it up.
Gave an atomic wedgie.
As see on: The Simpsons
At Complex, we are the epitome of cool, so we have no idea what a wedgie feels like or if the atomic wedgie is even physically possible. What blend of cotton and polyester is so stretchy yet strong that it can support the full weight of a young adult human? Also, what fourth grader is strong enough lift 50 pounds? Someone needs to get Middle-School Myth Busters on this. (That is a show, right?)
Kicked in a door.
As seen on: That 70's Show
You knew things were about to get serious when someone kicked in a door. This move is reserved for badass cops because, as Eric Foreman demonstrates, civilians just don't have the muscle power. This is the rare occasion where a show got you to do something by having a character fail to do it. You laugh at Foreman, and want to prove that you're better than the meek son-of-a-bitch. And then...
Buried a sleeping friend in sand.
As seen on: Friends
It wouldn't be possible without Rachel and Phoebe sedating Joey with chloroform so he wouldn't wake up as they dumped him in a hole and covered his body with sand. But for some reason that scene was cut from the episode. Which, in hindsight, is why your attempts at this never worked out.
Climbed through a friend's window.
As seen on: Clarissa Explains It All
Here's a question for Clarissa's friend Sam: Where does one aquire a ladder tall enough to reach a second-story room? Do you leave the ladder there, resting in the grass, or do you have to pack it up and take it with you every time you come and go? Do you require a spotter to steady the ladder? So many unexplained logistics. The only thing you figured out attempting this is that it's actually not cool to get tons of signatures on your arm cast.
Got a fake ID.
As seen on: Freaks and Geeks
In sunnier times, getting a fake ID was as simple as visiting your local video store and chatting up the local sketchball. This is just proof that all video stores are fronts. Especially in the 21st century. Now underage college coeds ship them in from China. Life was so much simpler before the Internet.
Skated Down a Half Pipe.
As seen on: Rocket Power
So you bought a skateboard, but did you ever attempt El Rollo, Caballerials, or 720 Airs? The Super McVarial 900 was what separated the hardcore fans of Rocket Power from the Avril Lavigne softies. But the problem was, if you didn't go big, you couldn't earn the respect of the gang. But if you didn't go big, you probably didn't visit the ER. See the problem?
Domesticated wild animals.
As seen on: Zaboomafoo
In the live-action segments of Zaboomafoo, the Kratt brothers kicked it with a lemur named Zoboo who came in through the kitchen window. When they fed him lemur-appropriate snacks he would transform into a talking lemur puppet. Assuming you didn't have access to lemurs, you probably tried to train a squirrel with peanut butter and make it do cool things like dressing up like a shark (or other animals), singing, dancing, and coining his own catch phrase: mangatsika! And you probably have the bite marks to prove that didn't work.
Thought about rocking the unibrow.
As seen on: Recess
Farewell, King Bob—you were a fair and just ruler and the embodiment of the unwritten playground code. Your legacy will be your surprisingly well kempt unibrow that rivals that of Frida Kahlo. Nobody can pull that off, nobody. But the fact that you even thought about it is testament to King Bob's power.
Not care.
As seen on: Daria
Daria is too cool for school. It should be easy, being apathetic and all, but it's actually kind of hard to not give a shit. Daria may be able to roll her eyes at the absurdities of the world, but we'd rather not be passive bystanders. Especially when we need to get a job, pay bills and like, revolutionize the world and stuff. Everything is hard. Everything sucks.