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There are shows we wish weren't canceled so soon, like HBO's Enlightened. Then there are shows that refuse to go away, like Two and a Half Men, where the only people laughing are the cast and producers to and from the bank. Lastly, there are shows guillotined before you're even aware of their existence. You don't miss them because you never or barely took a peek at them. Looking back they were always awful, so you couldn't feel disappointment.
Public Morals, Made in Jersey, Do No Harm, Anchorwoman, and the dozens of similar examples disappeared before you knew they were on. How amazing, it's like someone did all the hating for you. But it's worth considering, because, for particular TV junkies, they were deprived of knowing what went on in the Hasselhoff household, who really wanted to know what new project Mike O'Malley is working on, and if you were adopted, pick out your biological father on a nationally televised game show for a big money prize.
To those of you, we sincerely apologize these viewing experiences were taken away from you. now, with that moment of silence over, let's jeer at the The Fastest Cancellations in Television History.
The Playboy Club
Network: NBC (2011)
Episodes aired: 3
Days into new season: 21
Playboy: The Crime Drama, needless to say, didn't excite any male viewers of any demographic. Playboy magazine's short story selections and insightful interviews do more than enough for men, thank you very much.
This NBC drama's trailers were silly and had a soap-at-night feel that didn't win over many fans. The creative team, cast, and crew, in promotion of The Playboy Club, asserted the show aimed to empower women. Surely, women across the country will feel inspired by watching women in skimpy, fishnet outfits seducing and backstabbing their way through thin, ridiculous storylines in a 1960s nightclub is a fantastic show of femnism. Who knows, Susan B. Anthony might have loved this show. -FR
Lucky 7
Network: ABC (2013)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 12
Seven people have been playing the lottery for a long time until one day, they win. Great, they've worked hard. We're happy for them. They'll finally graduate to a better life; that's awesome. Oh, the money only creates more problems and complications in their lives. We see. That's heavy. We don't know if what we're feeling is solemnity or boredom. Nope, it's boredom. And, now that Lucky 7 is a not-so-distant memory, relief. -FR
Made in Jersey
Network: CBS (2012)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 12
We all love to root for the street-smart, outsider underdog, especially when they're going up against some stuffy big shots suits. It would've been nice to see how Martina Garretti (Janet Montgomery) developed. Lord knows we need a strong, funny, intelligent female lead. However, we're over the whole played up North Jersey schtick. -AF
Osbournes: Reloaded
Network: FOX (2009)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: premiered mid-season
We can all admit to guilt-watching the first the incarnation of Ozzy Osbourne regurgitating his fame on the rest of his family mama-bird style with a bit of intrigue. Yes, while exclusively waiting to see if the men in white uniforms will carry away the zombified rocker in real time. But when FOX decided to give them their own variety show, America finally united to say enough is enough. No one had any interest seeing the Osbourne family do skits, stunts, or anything. Go figure. -FR
Do No Harm
Network: NBC (2013)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 8 (remaining 11 episodes later burned off from June - September 2013)
It was Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde all over again on this medical drama, but, unfortunately, the show's marketing campaign was infinitely more interesting than Do No Harm itself. Thanks, NBC, for saving us a season's worth of deflated excitement and suspense. -AF
The Mike O'Malley Show
Network: NBC (1999)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 7
The culprit is right out in the open. Building and naming a show around a nobody (at the time, though less so at this time) Mike O'Malley was never going to work. And who was left hugging the white flag as the ship went down? Yes, our prince of television failure (and we mean that symphathetically and with regret), Will Arnett.
O'Malley played a hockey nut living with his buddy Weasel (Mark Rosenthal) and determined to "grow up" after watching one of his friends, Jimmy (Arnett) get married. The Mike O'Malley Show was dumped after two episodes, which translates to the brain as no episodes. We're glad. Arnett has suffered enough. -FR
The Paul Reiser Show
Network: NBC (2010)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 7
The semi-autobiographical sitcom approach is tricky. It worked for Larry David and Louis CK, but it doesn't translate well for a more upbeat guy like Reiser. Don't take it personally, but you just weren't the ass the world desired. Naturalistic sitcoms only work when the situations are, that's right, comical, and not simply bland. -AF
My Generation
Network: ABC (2010)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 7
My Generation followed a group of high school seniors living in Austin, TX, in 2000, and alternated with their present-day, 2010 lives. Kind of interesting, no? The ambitious ABC series had the appeal of an Up documentary series, but if it really wanted to connect on a sincere level, ABC should have just used real people. It would have been a huge commitment, but it would have lasted longer (and probably been more substantial) than My Generation, which was cancelled after just two episodes. -AF
Lone Star
Network: FOX (2010)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 7
Of course one of FOX's most promising pilot evers remains one of the networks' biggest tragedies. Watching a Texas con-man (James Wolk) struggle to weave a tangled web of lies as he manipulates his way to the top while dealing with domestic conflicts promised real emotional depth. But what can you do when people just want to see out-of-control reality TV and CSI spin-offs? -AF
The Beautiful Life
Network: The CW (2009)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 7
Insisting there's something poignant beneath a superficial show about beautiful people living glamorous, elite lives is just farcical. Wait, was anyone ever saying that? Just The Beautiful Life executive producer Ashton Kutcher, so nevermind. All five 40-minute episodes, sponsored by HP, are online if you ever get tired of watching cat videos. -AF
The Hasselhoffs
Network: A&E (2010)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 5
Maybe a reality series about David Hasselhoff's attempt to resurrect his career would have performed better in Germany, where his song "Looking for Freedom" once topped the German pop charts. His other single, "Jump in My Car," reached #3 in the UK in 2006, thanks to the possibly facetious "Get Hasselhoff to Number 1" campaign. Either way, it set the stage for Hasselhoff's presence in the UK and the full series of The Hasselhoffs aired on The Biography Channel there in 2011.
Lesson learned: Unless Pamela Anderson's involved, Hasselhoff should always take his business overseas. -AF
Viva Laughlin
Network: CBS (2007)
Episodes aired: 2
Days into new season: 3
While the murder myster musical worked with the British series Viva Blackpool and BBC's The Singing Detective, setting Viva Laughlin in a Nevada casino ensured an overkill of caberet and jazz hands that not even Hugh Jackman himself could save. The show was cancelled in the U.S. and Canada after two episodes, but Australia cut it loose after just one, calling it a "spectacular failure." Spot-on, Aussies. -AF
The Rich List
Network: FOX (2006)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 2
There was no way a game show that asked contestants to list "Tom Cruise Movies" or "Top 50 Broadway Shows of All Time" could compete in the same time slot with Lost or Criminal Minds. Hell, The Rich List didn't even have a top prize.
Quarterlife
Network: NBC (2008)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1 (the remaining five episodes would later air on Bravo)
Quarterlife's NBC debut, on February 26, 2008, was upstaged by megastars like Sen. Hillary Clinton and Sen. Barack Obama during the final Democratic presidential candidates debate, over on MSNBC. Politics: 1; Incestuous, entitled unachievers: 0. -AF
Anchorwoman
Network: FOX (2007)
Episodes aired: 2 (aired back-to-back)
Days into new season: 1
The premise doesn't sound all that terrible: A woman wants to become a news anchor in Texas. Not bad, a small-screen Veronica Corningstone. But something went horribly wrong and Anchorwoman received a 1.0 rating and was cancelled the following morning. Too many people were up in arms about seeing a former model/pageant queen/WWE Diva (Lauren Jones) reading the evening news, in regards to, you know, the crediblity and professionalism of journalism. Clearly forgetting, though, that Anchorwoman loosely qualifies as FOX News. -AF
Who's Your Daddy?
Network: FOX (2005)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
FOX executives decided at the last minute to air the Who's Your Daddy? pilot as a "special." Can we say that the show was cancelled before it even aired? Yes. Indeed, we can. -AF
The Bussey Bunch
Network: TLC (2008)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
Family feuds settled by smackdowns—wait, that actually sounds semi-entertaining. Why didn't this work again? Oh, yeah, because all of the adults were way too immature to make The Bussey Bunch even remotely digestable. -AF
South of Sunset
Network: CBS (1993)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
CBS cancelled South of Sunset before it could build a fan base. But to be fair, the pilot wasn't even aired across the entire country. No loss, since Malibu wildfires are much more exciting. -AF
Public Morals
Network: CBS (1996)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
For whatever reason, programmers thought it'd be a smart idea to base a show around Bill Bochtrup's NYPD Blue character, John Irvin, the gay administrative assistant. It wasn't. Good, because television doesn't need anymore cop shows that lean too heavily on racial stereotypes. We already have Arizona for that. -AF
Lawless
Network: FOX (1997)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
Even Brian Bosworth would consider John Lawless, his fictional South Beach motorcycle-riding PI, is a second string choice. The real-life ex-linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys, whose career ending injuries inspired Cameron Crowe to write Jerry Maguire, probably only took this job to have one more connection to televised football games, regardless of network. -AF
Dot Comedy
Network: ABC (2000)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
You know the drill: A host presents amusing Internet videos to a live audience. How old is that concept? Thirteen years old.
The Skalr brothers first executed this format back in 2000 with Dot Comedy. Let us translate: That's five full years before the invention of YouTube. The same YouTube that made Daniel Tosh caviar-bath rich. Life is unfair that way. If there were a show titled When Being Ahead of Your Time Doesn't Matter, the Sklar brothers would star. -FR
Co-Ed Fever
Network: CBS (1979)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
If you want to gauge Co-Ed Fever's awfulness, try this: The show was canceled more than two weeks before its official premiere date.
John Belushi's hilarious National Lampoon's Animal House was a mammoth box office success and executives from the three major television networks (CBS, ABC, NBC) all had the same dream of living in a house made entirely from $100 bills. By 1979, all three networks had their own frat-house sitcoms. By April of 1979, all three were canceled. Sometimes, things have a way of governing themselves. -FR
Emily's Reasons Why Not
Network: ABC (2006)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
Emily's Reasons Why Not was gone before the credits even rolled up on its pilot. Heather Graham plays the title character who's having problems with relationships and does this quirky thing where if she can jot dots five reasons to break it off with a dude. she does. With the help of her BFFs, including a flamboyant gay friend, she's trying to sort out her love life. Coupled with ABC's heavy promotion, this alleged Sex and the City copycat was an embarrassment, but luckily was spared via a silent exit. -FR
Secret Talents of the Stars
Network: CBS (2008)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: 1
The pitch somehow worked in the boardroom, so let us try to pitch this to you directly. OK, It's called Secret Talents of the Stars. What does this entail, you ask? In a game show format, celebrities will compete against each other in a series of challenges, like singing and dancing. What celebrities are participating? Try to save your questions for the end.
OK, You'll be happy to know that some of your favorite... Get to the point? Yes, we're getting there.The contestants include a range of famous talents like Jo Dee Messina, Joshua Morrow, Marla Maples, Clint Black and... Hy, where's everyone going? —FR
Rosie Live
Network: NBC (2008)
Episodes aired: 1
Days into new season: Cancelled after pilot
Rosie O'Donnell had an impressive run. The Rosie O'Donnell Show was a very popular, entertaining talk show that lasted for six years into the early aughts. Rosie would soon jump onto The View.
NBC decided that people needed more Rosie in their lives and gave her another show, this time calling it Rosie Live, declaring it a special, and bringing on a gluttony of stars. Ne-Yo, Conan O'Brien, Alec Baldwin, Racheal Ray, Alanis Morrisette and more came to dress up the occasion, but that should have been the first warning of trouble.
They threw the kitchen sink and the result was about as interesting as one. Oprah Winfrey would eventually give O'Donnell another talk show on the OWN network. We'll let you guess how that went. Clue: It's your first guess. -FR