Image via Complex Original
Yesterday, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson sent reverberations through the streets, like a 1970 Dodge Charger, when he posted a long message on Instagram calling out his male Fast 8 castmates. Along with a video of him throwing another human being (which was scored, by the way, by Kid Rock's "You Never Met a Motherfucker Quite Like Me"), Johnson said some of his Fast bros conduct themselves to his standards, while "other don't. The ones that don't are too chicken shit to do anything about it anyway. Candy asses." Read the full, possibly Corona-fuled message below:
So, we're here to figure out just who these #CandyAsses are. Aside from Johnson, there are seven male actors in the main cast of Fast 8—let's break it down and guestimate which ones The Rock was dragging, from least likely to most.
Jason Statham
There's no way it's Statham. The words "chicken shit" could NEVER be applied to the man who made not one Crank movie, but TWO Crank movies. It's not Statham. Let's move on.
Chances Jason Statham's a Candy Ass: 0.5%
Kristofer Hivju
My guy, better known as Tormund Giantsbane from Game of Thrones, is new to the Fast family (and it is a family, lest I need to remind you). For that basic reason alone, I can't really see him dogging it so hard that the People's Champ would start sliding his elbow pad off. He was also an integral part of GoT's most grueling action sequence ever in this season's "Battle of the Bastards;" and it seems like he really gives it his all in those Wyndam Rewards commercials. Plus, he's a strapping lad from Norway, with a beard that only a crazy person would have. I don't think The Rock wants it with Kristofer.
Chances Kristofer Hivju's a Candy Ass: 3%
Vin Diesel
I've seen some people swear Johnson's message is directed at Vin and Vin only, arguing that The Rock is fed up over how Vin's Fast contract states that he cannot lose a fight. That's an unconfirmed claim (really, the only time I've heard it alleged out loud is on the "How Did This Get Made?" podcast) that is probably nonetheless true, since, think about it—Vin's never lost a fight in SEVEN Fast & Furious movies. But is that what The Rock's mad about? I don't buy it. First of all, it all seemed good less than a month ago:
What the streets call "shade" we call "loving locker room talk". Plus it ain't shade if it's true. 😂👊🏾 #ballers @HBO https://t.co/USKfMEFNO1
— Dwayne Johnson (@TheRock) July 12, 2016
That sounds like fun banter between two men who are certainly not candy asses. Secondly, I can't see someone as savvy as The Rock thinking he'd ever be allowed to take over the Fast franchise, which has been Vin Diesel's since Y2K. Sure, Johnson provided some much-needed Viagra to the series when he came on for Fast Five, but I doubt his head has gotten so big that he doesn't recognize what his purpose is in this movie series.
Chances Vin Diesel's a Candy Ass: 15%
Tyrese and Ludacris
I'm grouping Tyrese and Ludacris together because if you've seen Fasts 5-7, you know that they're a package deal. I'm also putting them in the middle of this list because if you know Tyrese and Ludacris, you know they've had moments of candy assery over the years. I can't speak for Luda, but the one time I interviewed Tyrese on a Furious 7 press trip in Abu Dhabi, he showed up over an hour late and could barely keep his eyes open. I later checked his Instagram and saw videos of him driving around the city with some sheik at what must've been like 5:30 in the morning. Now, I'm sure the guy takes his day job more seriously than press junkets, but that occurrence does at least hint that Tyrese's commitment goes in and out, and Dwayne Johnson is def a full commitment dude.
And let's be honest, of all the male Fast castmembers, Tyrese and Ludacris seem like the last ones who would step to The Rock.
Chances Tyrese and Ludacris Are Candy Asses: 40%
Lucas Black
Hahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahaha
Chances Lucas Black's a Candy Ass: 70%
Scott Eastwood
OK, so now we're finally at the guy who has some receipts tying him to The Rock's message. Eastwood, who's making his debut in the Fast franchise as a protege of Kurt Russell's Mr. Nobody, recently did an interview in Esquire with his dad, Clint "Racism Was OK in the '30s So It Should Be OK Now" Eastwood. In it, Scott threw some shade—inadvertent or maybe not—at his Fast 8 castmates:
I remember something he told me early on. I don't remember how old I was when you told me this, Dad. But you said, "As an actor, I never went back to my trailer. I always hung out on set and learned." That stuck with me. I'm on this Fast and the Furious movie right now, and everyone goes back to their trailer. I stick around and say, "Why you are setting up the shot like this?" I want to learn.
Later in the interview, this exchange happened:
ESQ: Politically, you're the Anti-Pussy party?
SE: That's right. No candy-asses.
CE: Yeah, I'm anti-the pussy generation. Not to be confused with pussy.
SE: All of us are pro-pussy.
First of all, OH MY FUCKING GOD, how is that an actual exchange three humans had in 2016. That's the worst thing I've ever read. Imagine thinking this is what a man sounds like. We need to ban the Eastwoods. But also yeah, notice Scott's word choice?
Chances Scott Eastwood's a Candy Ass: 99%
But Wait, There's More
It seems like a near certainty that The Rock was calling out Scott Eastwood, but there is another explanation: it's all fireworks. Fast 8 doesn't need any drummed up drama to put asses in seats—Furious 7 made over $1.5 billion—but it wouldn't exactly hurt. An inner-squad rivalry would be huge for this movie, like when Kanye and 50 Cent went head-to-head in 2007 to sell more records. Especially if this thing keeps building until Fast 8 comes out in April 2017. That's eight months of good beef.
And if there's anyone who can sell a feud, it's Dwayne Johnson, the man who came up as a kayfabe master in the WWE. He did it with Stone Cold Steve Austin, he can sure as hell do it with Vin Diesel or Clint Eastwood's unwoke son.
Chances We're the Candy Asses: 70%