A couple months or so ago I stumbled upon a profile of teen heartthrob and star of The Fault in Our Stars, Ansel Elgort and learned he was a reeeeally shitty person. Maybe not IRL, but whatever persona he was putting on in front of reporters was BAD. I thought it couldn't get worse than Ansolø (that's Ansel Elgort's DJ name)—until today.
Today Esquire published a profile on Miles Teller, the 28-year-old actor who J.K. Simmons slapped the shit out of in Whiplash and one of the stars in the upcoming Fantastic Four flop. Teller's been bubbling on the B-list for a couple years and, like Elgort and his Fantastic Four co-star Michael B. Jordan, has assembled a pretty respectable resume in a short period of time. He's a star in the fractured entertainment world of 2015, but he's not exactly a young Leonardo DiCaprio or anything like that, at least not yet. That's pretty much the extent of what my knowledge of Miles Teller was until today, which is too bad because it turns out the more you learn the worse it gets. If Ansel Elgort is Charmander, Miles Teller is motherfucking Charizard. Let's dig into the evidence, shall we?
This is what one of Miles Teller's tattoos means:
32 Crew? Oh, fuck. But let's not rush to judgment. He might actually be super humble still:
WELP. Let's keep pushing:
Did Miles Teller not expand on this? Your scars...that you got after a jam-band festival...are why you don't have friends from college? Like, you mean people at your college were prejudiced against people with scars? That is a pretty big issue on campuses across the nation. Oh wait, Miles Teller expanded on this:
College can be a tough time for white men. Let's talk about your career though:
HE CALLED HIM "JOAQ."
The conversation eventually moves to other things, like milk tea, which Miles Teller brings up seemingly so that he can talk about how much weed he used to smoke:
Weed and 32 oz. beers and scars—college is so cray cray, amirite?
To cap off this whole fun experience we've just had, let's look over some of the other photos from Esquire's photo shoot. They really nail that "I'm in movies and I'm a dick" look:
Whew.
Now, as is likely the case with Ansel Elgort, Miles Teller was probably putting on an act and just went a little too far. And to be honest, the way the piece is written, it more or less seems like the writer went into the interview with some preconceived notions, and that may be the reason why he comes off looking so horribly. But damn, this profile really makes me want to:
UPDATE: Looks like Miles Teller is going with the same argument I posed for him in the above paragraph. Here's what he just tweeted at Esquire:
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