Image via Complex Original
For a few months I've tried to pretend this Rihanna-Leonardo DiCaprio thing wasn't happening. I made jokes about it and ignored the reports that flooded in out of complete denial that the universe would ever gift popular culture with such a perfect union. The coolest guy in Hollywood linked up with the baddest girl in music? Nah, never.
More and more though it's looking like dreams do come true, even in the age of "Pics or It Didn't Happen." Leo threw Rihanna a blowout 27th birthday party last week, and today, TMZ released pictures from it, showing the two superstars getting pretty close and maybe (read: probably) smoking each other up. At least in the gossip world, this thing is now real. And I'm all in.
But the question still remains, "How the hell did these two get together?" Sure, they're both super hot—that's usually enough—but they don't exactly make sense as a couple. Is this a relationship founded on looks and a shared affinity for tropical islands and partying, or can Leo and RiRi actually get this thing off the ground? Let's find out, with a few examples of conversations they've probably had.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Rihanna: Leo, that movie from the '90s where you had a really overweight mom and Johnny Depp for a brother? That was dope.
Leo: Damn girl, thank you. Did you know I didn't use a stunt double for that scene where I climb the water tower? That was all me. And, you might've notice that I sound different in the movie. Mentally challenged, you might even say. That's a little thing I like to call acting. I don't talk like that at all in normal life, you know? I killed that shit, if you ask me. I mean, do you know how many actors have been nominated for Oscars before their 20th birthday?
Rihanna: Twenty-one.
Leo: Oh, uh, yeah… Twenty-one. But they all got robbed like me though, ri—
Rihanna: Tatum O'Neal and Anna Paquin won Oscars when they were ten.
Leo: Hey! There's my friend Lukas Haas! HEY, LUKAS! BUY ME A RED BULL VODKA!
The Lakers
Leo: Rih, you don't even know. I'm like the biggest Lakers fan. Don't tell anyone this, but I'm basically angling to be the next Jack Nicholson. Surly, wrinkly, bearded, courtside. Do you like basketball?
Rihanna: Honey, I influence basketball.
Leo: Gotta say, that J.R. Smith guy from the Knicks is HILARIOUS. All that stuff about him DMing girls about trying to get the pipe. I started saying that to models recently. Have you heard of that guy?
Rihanna: Uh huh.
Paul McCartney
Leo: That Paul McCartney dude is the fucking best. Ram is my shit. You think you'd ever work with him?
Rihanna: Leo… we have a song together that's out right now. “FourFiveSeconds?”
Leo: Who do you think's had sex with more girls—me or him?
Rihanna: You honestly haven't heard my song with Paul McCartney and Kanye West?
Leo: Probably Paul, but he got like a huge head start. I bet I can catch him!
Nipples
Leo: Way before we started hooking up, I used to make my assistant follow you on Instagram and page me whenever you posted a pic of you showing your nipples. That's why you're, like, so cool. Like, Instagram's trying to be the boss of you and tell you when you're allowed to show your body and you're like, “Fuck that!” Haha, you're a motherfucking pioneer! And like, you have them pierced too, so that's really cool.
Rihanna: Free the Nipple, boi.
Leo: I do, like all the time. Don't worry, I'm definitely not afraid to take my shirt off.
Rihanna: No, Free the Nipple is a—you know what? Nevermind.
Climate Change
Leo: It's just like, Blood Diamond open my eyes to a lot of things. And I felt like I had to do something because we're really fucking up the world for all these totally dope animals.
Rihanna: When I was in Thailand last year—
Leo: Is that where you took that pic of you in the gray swimsuit? My assistant hit me ab—
Rihanna: Baby, focus.
Leo: …
Rihanna: When I was there I hung out with elephants and lorises and they were the most beautiful creatures. I felt so connected during that trip—I would wake up, smoke a blunt, and just stare at nature off the boat while Melissa took pictures of me.
Leo: See! That's exactly why I started my foundation! Because this is an incredible world we're living in. And it's so beautiful. And it's our responsibility to protect it. I'm just an actor—I pretend all day. But in reality I have to devote my entire life to saving the planet, putting on a tux and convincing rich people to donate millions of dollars to the cause. Every day you can see undeniable evidence of climate change, events that prove accelerated climate change is here. It's not just rhetoric. And it's our job to help. We can either make history, or be vilified by—Hey there's my friend Tobey Maguire! TOBEY! BUY ME A RED BULL VODKA!
Rihanna:
His Beard
Rihanna: … but why don't you just shave!?
Leo: You don't get it, Rih. For two decades I've given the world my boyish good looks. And what have they given me? Millions of dollars? A meme that perfectly captured the existential longing I felt when I was passed over at the Oscars for like the eighth time? This beard is my middle finger to the world. I'm going to be as hobo-looking as possible—I'm going to make it hard for teenage girls to love me. And they still will. Because I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. I'm Jack Dawson, fucking Romeo, and Gatsby rolled into one. *cackles maniacally*
Rihanna: Okay, but why do you have to carry around a Super Soaker everywhere?
Leo: Rihanna. Have you ever fired a Super Soaker… at a crowd full of models?
Rihanna: Yeah. Obviously.
Leo: Let's make out.
Marijuana
Rihanna: Do you wanna fire up a blunt in the middle of this club?
Leo: ABSOLUTELY.