Image via Complex Original
Kim Kardashian is a very good wife. She does all sorts of things for her husband Kanye West—like proudly standing behind him while he rants about Beck to Ryan Seacrest on live TV—and yesterday, on his 38th birthday, she rented out the fucking Staples Center ("Ain't that where the Heat play?" No Kanye, it's where the Lakers and Clippers play.) so he and his friends could play basketball! That's pretty legendary.
Kim learned from the best. After all, her husband is the guy who rented out AT&T Park, a professional baseball stadium, and stocked it with a Lana Del Rey-playing orchestra for a marriage proposal. But there's another predecessor to Kim's arena-renting extravaganza: Mr. Longfellow Deeds, played by Adam Sandler in the 2002 rom-com, Mr. Deeds.
As you may recall—and if you don't, go watch Mr. Deeds, it's on Netflix and it's low-key Sandler's best movie—Deeds rents out Madison Square Garden to propose to his girlfriend (played by Winona Ryder). It's romantic until something very bad happens that makes it not so romantic, but the thought was definitely there. So who pulled it off better? Was it the OG arena-renter, or the best wife in the game? Let's go to the tale of the tape.
The Venue
Okay, so Kim rented out the Staples Center, which opened in 1999. In 2000 and 2001, Pollstar magazine named it the Arena of the Year. Do you know what they call the arena Deeds rented out though? The World's Most Famous Arena. Like, people call it that all the time. So what if MSG hasn't been home to a good basketball team in about 20 years and Staples Center has seen five NBA titles and two Stanley Cups in that time. MSG has mystique—the Staples Center has a corporate sponsorship and a nightclub.
Advantage: Mr. Deeds
Sidebar: I find it extremely interesting that the Laker Girls were at Kanye's birthday, and not the Clippers cheerleaders. In renting the Staples Center, do you think Kim got to decide which squad to use? Does this mean Kanye's more of a Lakers guy, or did Kim settle on them simply because they have more name recognition? Sidebar over.
The Guests
Yikes, Deedsy, you gotta be better. To his engagement party, he invited a couple servants, one of whom has a very prevalent, very concerning foot fetish, and Sandy Cohen in his bad mustache days.
Kim's guest list on the other hand looks like a mix of All-Star Weekend and a potential Summer Jam lineup: John Wall, Russell Westbrook, James Harden, John Legend, Pusha T, 2 Chainz, Justin Bieber, Tyga, and of course, all of the other Kardashians. That's a strong flex.
Advantage: Kim Kardashian
The Food
What's the point of renting out an entire arena if the food is weak? Mr. Deeds understood this, so he hooked up his party with the best chicken parm money could buy. Bonus points to him for picking a food that had sentimental value as well—it's that sort of thought that makes renting an arena worth it.
As far as I can tell, the only food at the Staples Center last night was a cake that looked like the Larry O'Brien trophy. It also looked like it was made by the Cake Boss, and I don't mean that in a good way. Have you ever tasted that foamposite material they use to build those cakes? It's like eating an eggcrate bed cushion.
Advantage: Mr. Deeds
The Party
Well, Deeds' party was an utter failure. Turns out his girlfriend was not an innocent Midwesterner—she was a cold-blooded city girl—and bad mustache Sandy Cohen had teamed up with Lane Pryce to expose the truth and totally shaft my man Longfellow. The party was over before it really even started—James Dolan's band didn't even get to play.
It was SO bad that immediately afterwards Mr. Deeds was like, "You know what? I need to pack my shit up and hitchhike back to New England while Dave Matthews Band plays."
On the other hand, Kanye's birthday looked like a rousing success. He definitely smiled once or twice, and I bet everyone let him score 100 points. They also played "Good Life" while Kanye blew out his candles, and it was truly beautiful.
Just to hammer this point home, compare the videos that played on the jumbotron during each party: at Kanye's party, the Staples Center jumbotron played a tribute video from Kobe Bryant, Magic Johnson, Carmelo Anthony, Shaquille O'Neal, and Scottie Pippen; at Deeds' party, they played a tabloid news segment that shook Deeds to his core and made him reconsider life entirely. Like I said—hitchhiking. Dave Matthews Band.
Advantage: Kim Kardashian
The Final Verdict
The proof is in the Yeezy-flavored pudding ice cream. Sure, Kanye's party could've used some chicken parm, but it's obvious that everyone still had a really fun time there. Mr. Deeds may have had a better plan on paper, but if the execution isn't there, planning doesn't mean a damn thing.
Kim Kardashian wins, if only by default. Don't cry for Deedsy though. At the end of the movie—SPOILER ALERT, hahaha—he gets the girl and enough money to buy like 1,200 Corvettes.
WHY ALL THE SAME COLOR THOUGH, Mr. Deeds!?