Image via Complex Original
A slump can be overwhelming. Things can be going so well for you, when all of the sudden a loss comes your way. And then another one. And another one. And before you even figure out what's happening, you're ice cold, and the more you try to turn things around the worse they get.
Sound like any actors you know?
There are a bunch of stars out there—the kind of stars who get upwards of $10 million to act—who have fallen into astonishingly long losing streaks. For Johnny Depp, you can mostly chart his slump based on whenever he started exclusively doing movies that required extensive makeup. Nicole Kidman's string of Ls might have started after Tom Cruise Scientology broke up with her. Follow us down this brick-paved road, as we look at some once-great actors who have fallen on hard times and try to figure out what the hell happened—and if there's any chance of a comeback.
Johnny Depp
Last Good Movie: Finding Neverland
Washed Like: A pile of raggedy-ass scarves.
Wow, poor Johnny Depp. That man washed up on the shores of the Caribbean and literally never came back, RIP. Remember when he was the ultimate It Boy of the '80s and '90s? (I don't, 'cause I was probably not even alive, but you know.) Somewhere down the road, Johnny Depp started turning into a PILE OF SCARVES and we kept letting him star in movies because I guess at the end of the day, he is at least a hunky pile of scarves and pretty decent to look at. Honestly the main reason Johnny Depp is so washed now is because TIM BURTON is hella washed and Johnny will agree to do literally any trash movie Tim comes up with. The man actually once said, “I would do anything [Tim Burton] wanted me to. You know, have sex with an aardvark. I would do it.” Nope. No no no no no. Johnny, stop it, don't do that. The last great Burton-Depp collab was Sleepy Hollow and that movie was NOT EVEN IN THIS CENTURY. Depp himself has had a couple good runs afterwards—shortly after with 2000's Chocolat and then with 2003's Finding Neverland, but that's IT. Finding Neverland—a movie that came out 12 years ago—was Johnny Depp's last great movie. Care to disagree? Nope, you can't. Think about it. Everything else since has been garbage, with maybe the exception of Corpse Bride (2005), which was just okay and doesn’t really count because it's an animation. For a brief moment last year I was kinda amped about Transcendence but turns out that would become his peak washed project. His upcoming film Black Mass looks pretty promising but it's gonna take hell of a lot more than just one good movie to unwash this man. Also, this is the worst he's ever looked, so there's just no way he'll be returning to his former glory.—Kristen Yoonsoo Kim
Nicole Kidman
Last Good Movie: The Hours
Washed Like: Grace Kelly's wedding dress
Has Nicole Kidman been washed since 2002? As a human woman who has shed hundreds of tears over multiple viewings of Kidman’s Oscar winning performance as Virginia Woolf in The Hours, I’d really, really like to hope not.
But since 2002, Kidman has had a spotty (at absolute best) resume that hasn’t made a strong argument for her not being washed. She’s had parts in commercial flops like Bewitched, The Stepford Wives and the awful-looking Paddington to small, slept-on-for-a-reason indies like Fur and The Railway Man. (Although I’d make an argument for her being terrifically ice-cold in the underrated Stoker.) The recent nail in Kidman’s previous greatness was Grace of Monaco, her Weinstein-backed, Cannes-premiering film where she played Grace Kelly. Instead of hitting theaters, it hit Lifetime.
Kidman has two films coming out later this year, so maybe she’ll break out of this washed phase. Here’s hoping.—Kerensa Cadenas
Vince Vaughn
Last Good Movie: Wedding Crashers (2005)
Washed Like: Old lettuce
The early 2000s were somewhat of a revival for my boy Vince. After not really hitting like he should have after Swingers in the late '90s, Vaughn finally figured out that his cool-dick schtick was perfectly built for the funny man-child movies that were beginning to take over. Between 2003 and 2005 he was the clearest capital-S Star in movies like Old School, Dodgeball and Wedding Crashers—and he was Wes Mantooth in Anchorman. DOROTHY MANTOOTH IS A SAINT!
And then, Jennifer Aniston killed him. Okay, it probably wasn't her fault, but The Break-Up was an astonishingly pointless movie—and the bricks piled up from there. After The Break-Up, Vaughn was in two unbelievably bad Christmas movies (Fred Claus and Four Christmases). TWO! Why Vince!? Why would you do two terrible Christmas movies in a row? Are you one of those people who like Christmas a little too much? Did you ruin your family's Christmas as a child one year and decide that making Christmas movies was the only way to make it up to everyone? I need answers. Since blowing up, Vince Vaughn has never been able to really come to terms with himself. Yes, he's funny—but he's not the kind of funny that carries movies. His acerbic leanings need to be off-set and when they aren't, trash happens, like 2013's The Internship or this year's Unfinished Business.
It is ironic that I'm writing this just as the second season of True Detective, starring yours truly, is getting off the ground. From what I've seen, Vaughn's pretty solid in the show—there are slight shades of the unhinged but attractive performance that makes Gus Van Sant's Psycho at least somewhat interesting. The jury's still out on whether his participation will be enough to lift the show out of the muddled depths it seems to be mired in, but who knows. With that HBO cosign under his belt, maybe Vince Vaughn will be the next guy to experience a McConnaisance. I only ask one thing, Vince, no more Christmas movies.—Andrew Gruttadaro
Cameron Diaz
Last Good Movie: In Her Shoes
Washed Like: Novelty shirts
Cameron Diaz built her career on two drastically different romantic comedies, hitting us with the one-two punch of My Best Friend’s Wedding and There’s Something About Mary in 1997 and 1998. And in the following years she successfully avoided being glued to raunch or straight up romance as she chalked up Ws with Being John Malkovich, the first two Shreks, and Gangs of New York. But somewhere along the line, right around the superfluous third Shrek, our favorite vivacious blonde began reverting to her old ways without the form to match. Sex Tape and Bad Teacher made grasps at the shocking humor mastered in her infamous “hair gel” scene without finding something to hold onto. And The Other Woman, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, and What Happens in Vegas were the type of rom-coms cited by those who unfairly write off the entire genre. Homegirl’s been washed for nearly ten years, and the stink still shows no signs of fading. Let's just hope a fifth Shrek doesn't come along to add another onion into the mix.—Ian Servantes
Martin Lawrence
Last Good Movie: Bad Boys II
Washed Like: That Ford Escort you used to road trip in during college
Even having to mention Martin Lawrence as currently being washed hurts me to my heart. We run in circles where the whole squad knows Martin dialogue by heart. Dude was one of the illest things to happen to sitcoms in the 1990s, and even when that vehicle started to fall off, he had a decent movie career to fall back on. He's in certified hood classics like Life and A Thin Line Between Love and Hate, and everyone rocks with Bad Boys, but after 2003's Bad Boys II, his output either became very sporadic (he really only dropped Wild Hogs in 2007?) or just super-confusing. Did we really NEED a sequel to Big Momma's House? While Martin's health and legal issues have been documented—that infamous 1999 coma was immortalized in one of his own stand-up specials—none of that truly explains how he's been so washed since 2003. He's grown older, and has put on some weight; none of that means he WON'T be able to roll with Will Smith in the heavily-rumored Bad Boys III, but Will Smith's turned into a relatively certified blockbuster smash. If Bad Boys III is set to happen, it feels like Martin might need to re-channel what everyone loved about him 12 years ago and be the unwashed star we know he can be.—khal
Natalie Portman
Last Good Movie: Léon: The Professional
Washed Like: The Shins' indie rock career
Here's the thing: Natalie Portman is one of the greatest child actors of our time. Her performance in Léon: The Professional as the vengeful 12-year-old Mathilda was SO INCREDIBLE. She was the OG Hit Girl before Chloë Grace Moretz took on the role in Kick-Ass 16 years later. I feel like because Natalie Portman was so good in that movie, we just kept thinking she was good in everything thereafter and even ended up giving her an Oscar… for her performance in the Black fucking Swan of all movies! Why no one will admit this movie is lowbrow shit, I will never know.
Now don't get me wrong: I don't hate Natalie Portman, I just haven't liked anything she's done since Léon (which, to be fair, was one hell of a high bar). I respect the hell out of her, actually. I think she's incredibly smart and I LOVE that she's here for women in Hollywood. But oh man, neither Star Wars nor V for Vendetta has aged very well, and her role in Garden State becomes more and more insufferable with every watch. This might be a ~hot take~ but I stand by it completely: Léon the Professional was Portman's last great role. Perhaps Natalie's not the one to blame for some of these terrible choices, but goddamn, someone give her a good role already (while she still has a chance to become unwashed). You know what's the best thing she's done in the past 10 years? THE NATALIE RAPS DIGITAL SHORT ON SNL. Oh man, that shit was FIRE.—Kristen Yoonsoo Kim
Kevin James
Last Good Movie: Hitch? No? OK, The King of Queens
Washed Like: The Atkins diet
I don't know too many people who actually fuck with Kevin James because he's hilarious. I don't doubt they're out there—SOMEONE kept The King of Queens on the air all of those years. Hell, I became a King of Queens addict… but that's because I've been sweating Leah Remini since Zack Morris met Stacey Carosi at Malibu Sands. No one wants to admit that they like James' bumbling fuckery. It's worked, obviously, because he's starred in a grip of films, including certified trash like Paul Blart: Mall Cop and Zookeeper. Hell, he was kind of trash in the 2005 rom-com Hitch, but that Will Smith vehicle also showed a bit of his sappy, depressed romantic side. He's not shown that miniscule amount of range in anything in the decade since, and until people stop casting him in drivel like I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry, you can expect 5,011 Paul Blart sequels.—khal
Katherine Heigl
Last Good Movie: Knocked Up
Washed Like: Facebook Chat
It's quite simple: you can't go on the record, publicly removing yourself from the Emmy race because you felt you weren't given awards-worthy material—which, while honest, is disrespectful to your showrunner nonetheless—and then go on to pursue a big-screen focused career that includes a movie like, say Mr. and Mrs. Smith-lite with Ashton Kutcher. Weep not for Mrs. Heigl. She invited the ether, the jokes, the eagerness to label her washed, on herself. At press time, Grey's Anatomy is set to begin filming Season 47 with ratings at a consistent high, while Katherine's next film is…an indie that had to launch an indiegogo campaign for post-production funds. Before that was a straight to VOD rom-com so irrelevant it didn't even warrant reviews, apparently. Glad to see she's found the award-worthy material she deserves!—Frazier Tharpe
Sean Penn
Last Good Movie: Milk
Washed Like: Milk ten days past the Sell By date
Liam Neeson isn't even excelling at being Liam 2.0, Respected Thespian™ turned B-movie action hero we both need and deserve, these days. But the only thing sadder is fellow vets in his acting class trying to take the Liam express lane to relevance and utterly bricking it. We could be talking about a number of grey-haired former It Men but in this case, the honor goes to the recently disengaged Sean Penn. The Gunman was a hot fail, and these days your boy is more relevant for tabloidy-hookups and breakups (Charlize really went ghost on him, huh?) and off-color awards show presenter jokes. Limp thrillers and washed-on-arrival gangster movies? It's a safe bet he'll be always a presenter, never the presented for the next few awards cycles.—Frazier Tharpe