Image via Complex Original
Lead
Smell the breeze blowing in from Lake Michigan? It's whipping through Wrigleyville, the Chi-Town neighborhood where the Cubs lose, carrying the smell of spray-on deodorant but not even a whiff of shame. It's the smell of douchebags. Yes, even the Midwest offers their kind asylum. And when they want to have fun, they drink at these establishments, the 25 douchiest bars in Chicago. You've been warned.
To stay safe in New York and Los Angeles, please consult their respective douche-filled blacklists.
RELATED: The 25 Douchiest Bars in New York, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., and Boston
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McFaddens
25. McFadden's
Address: 1206 North State Parkway
Website: mcfaddenschicago.com
The wings at McFadden's are good and the drinks are priced right, but this bar has a beer pong table that ensures the presence of a certain low-rent frat boy element. To put it delicately, this encourages a sloppiness that makes drinking in the bar undesirable. To put it less delicately, half the people who leave this establishment are forcefully removed by their friends who throw them into cabs just before they throw up on the street. A makeshift dance floor and DJ spinning all "the hits" guarantee that you'll have flashbacks to the worst college party you ever attended. Just this time around with wings instead of a leaky basement pipe everyone grind-dances around.
Nick's Uptown
24. Nick's Uptown
Address: 4015 North Sheridan Rd.
Website: nicksuptown.com
One of Chicago's classy, open till 4 a.m. establishments, Nick's Uptown was built on a foundation of regret and misery. The bar is spacious, which allows for late-night douchebag surveying, but it feels sort of like a plane hangar that you've been sent to after being detained. The second room is littered with pool and foosball tables, producing a drunken competitiveness that always ends in warm handshakes and hearty laughs. If it's a choice between going to bed or going to Nick's Uptown, go to bed. You're less likely to live a nightmare in your sleep.
Mad River
23. Mad River Bar & Grille
Address: 2909 North Sheffield Ave.
Website: madriverchicago.com
Mad River Bar & Grille attracts the college set because the drink specials are priced for the poor collegiate intent on binge drinking. There are innumerable get-wristband-to-drink-all-you-can specials. Avoid this place if you have a weak liver, as it's all about quantity and not quality, and liver transplants are harder and harder to come by. Though the wristband does prepare you for the hospital experience.
The Boundary
22. The Boundary
Address: 1932 West Division St.
Website: boundarychicago.com
The Boundary is confusing. Half of it is an unremarkable restaurant where families wouldn't seem out of place. But the other half is a crowded sports bar where bros hoot and holler while DJs pump jams during the commercial breaks. This is the kind of place where you wouldn't be surprised if you saw a child still running around close to midnight. It's best to get out of here before you go crazy trying to decide if you hate this bar or are just indifferent to it. This may depend on your feelings about children, and whether you want to see them doused with sudsy warm beer and hot jams.
The Schoolyard
21. Schoolyard
Address: 3258 North Southport Ave.
Website: schoolyardtavern.com
A bit off the well-worn douchebag trail, Schoolyard is the proverbial bedazzled pair of jeans in the rough. The bar is the size of a large rat cage with slightly fewer droppings lining the floor. The staff seems to be more interested in hooking up with the patrons than earning tips, and most of the patrons are happy to oblige them. If you would like to wake up next to something horrifying, you can wrangle it and drag it home here.
Fado
20. Fado
Address: 100 West Grand Ave.
Website: fadoirishpub.com
Fado is the obligatory Irish pub that is really just a normal overpriced bar with terrible food that earns their green, white, and orange stripes by selling Guinness and Smithwick's. Also, they constantly advertise soccer games, which is kind of Irish. The River North crowd is loud, obnoxious, and purposefully ditsy. If you really really need to watch futbol, hunker down with an Internet connection and a bottle of your favorite whiskey.
Mothers
19. The Original Mother's
Address: 26 West Division St.
Website: rushanddivision.com/the-original-mothers
This dirty basement dive bar somehow has a five-dollar cover, but makes up for that be being the type of place you expect to leave with a stab wound. Some nights the welcoming doors of Mother's stay open until 5 a.m., so if you're an especially early riser, you can catch last call. Beer pong tables, a sticky dance floor, and a karaoke machine attract a selection of people who are attempting to get laid or have never heard of fun before. Mother's is a "last stop" type of bar, but you should probably quit while you're ahead.
Mothers Too
18. Mother's Too
Address: 14 West Division St.
Website: rushanddivision.com/mothers-too
The sequel. Mother's Too is to Mother's as Legally Blonde 2 is to Legally Blonde, that is to say it's worse than something that was already horrible. Dirtier, stankier, and douchier, Mother's Too ups the ante in all respects. If you're not positive enough that you contracted an STD from Mother's, head over to Mother's Too to be sure.
Club 162
17. Club 162
Address: 3551 North Sheffield Ave.
Website: n/a
Located in Wrigleyville in what used to be Harry Caray's (which was nothing to write home about), this pseudo-night club is catnip for bachelorette parties. Gleeful DJs exclaim about how they are about to "set it off" and "get it bumpin' bumpin'." If you want to party like a high roller, but earn only a modest living stipend, Club 162 is your new favorite bar. Though, you could have more fun down the street at Einstein Bros. Bagels. Seriously, bagels are great.
English
16. English
Address: 444 North La Salle Blvd.
Website: englishchicago.com
So much douchebaggery they had to stack it three floors high! English's sign (which is written in an Old English font, just so you totally grasp the concept) confidently advises everyone to "Eat Well Drink Better." Sadly, it is impossible to eat well here, as the food tastes like it was lightly brazed in Winston Churchill's farts. It's conceivable that you could get drunk if you have an irrationally skewed view of how much drinks should cost. The River North location ensures that it is populated with young lawyers who think they're worldly because they yell about soccer games. You could try to escape the crowds by venturing past the first two floors to the third, but once there, you might be tempted to jump.
Tai's Til Four
15. Tai's Til Four
Address: 3611 North Ashland Ave.
Website: n/a
If you get to Tai's Til Four at a decent hour, you might think it's not a horrible bar. A bit dirty and dank, but in a way that should be expected. However, as the hours tick by, Tai's transforms into its true self, like some sort of Cinderella/Deliverance mash-up. The "dance floor" feels more like a bombed-out cattle car than a dance floor, albeit one with a terrible DJ. You don't have to imagine the kind of people that would willingly patronize this bar, because let's describe them to you. You know that guy who looked exactly like Fred Durst back when Limp Bizkit was a thing? Then Limp Bizkit became less famous, but this guy kept the look? That guy will be there.
Sluggers
14. Sluggers
Address: 3540 North Clark St.
Website: sluggersbar.com
Sluggers is almost awesome. It has a second floor with full-blown batting cages and arcade games. But being mere feet away from Wrigley Field dooms Sluggers to be lumped in with the glut of avoidable bars on Clark Street. Sadly, if you do attempt to enjoy the gamesmanship of this bar, you'll be quickly suffocated by a fog of bros from Wrigley and the douche overflow from John Barleycorn. Take heart: Some of them will enter the batting cages and take a ball to the face. So, it's kind of worth it.
Debonair Social Club
13. Debonair Social Club
Address: 1575 North Milwaukee Ave.
Website: debonairsocialclub.com
Wicker Park's premier pretentiously named hipster foxhole will have you pining for Affliction T-shirts and unchecked sexual bravado. The back-lit dance floor/rock stage will make you feel like you've become trapped in a terrible iPod commercial. Downstairs, the neon-lit room confirms what everybody already knew: a douchebag version of Tron is a horrible idea.
Murphy's Bleachers
12. Murphy's Bleachers
Address: 3655 North Sheffield Ave.
Website: murphysbleachers.com
Adjacent to Wrigley Field, Murphy's Bleachers is the kind of sports bar you want to love. The brick exterior and understated interior seem to highlight everything that is good about Chicago. Unfortunately, the divey disguise is just that. The only thing that this place has in common with the Friendly Confines is ludicrous drink prices. An impenetrable wall of Cubs fans and frat boys will scream their sweet bro code in your ear while you scratch and claw for the door.
LaSalle Power Company
11. LaSalle Power Co.
Address: 500 North LaSalle St.
Website: 500nlasalle.com
Located on LaSalle Street, but not capable of generating any form of energy, the LaSalle Power Co. advertises itself as a "Rock Bar, Stage, and Retro Kitchen." While it's understandable that massive amounts of hair gel is detrimental to certain brain functions, even the most gelled and quaffed should understand how unappetizing calling your food "retro" is. The neon-themed room claims to be a Rock Bar and does sometimes have rock acts playing, but most of the time dance music and hip-hop drowns out what little conversation the patrons are having. The presence of couches adds an additional creep factor.
Trace
10. Trace
Address: 3714 North Clark St.
Website: tracechicago.com
The name "Trace" sounds like one of the fake bars recommended by SNL's Stefon. Unfortunately, this bar is real. Trace has everything: douchebags, bros, little room to stand or sit, and look over there—is that a reasonably priced beer selection and a low key atmosphere? No, it's a pretentious bartender who thinks every drink order is a personal affront to their human rights. Trace is open until 4 a.m., so if you want/need a bar to hate all night, this is the bar for you.
Vertigo Sky Lounge
9. Vertigo Sky Lounge
Address: 2 West Erie St.
Website: danahotelandspa.com
Located on the top floor of the Dana Hotel and Spa, this bar/deck/fire-pit/clusterfuck will have you saying, "Were we just in an episode of Entourage?" all the way to the Ed Hardy store. If you've ever wanted to reflect upon the "bitchiness" of your life while looking over an expansive view of the cityscape, you can do it here. Just make sure your suit jacket matches your designer sneakers.
Cubby Bear
8. The Cubby Bear
Address: 1059 West Addison St.
Website: cubbybear.com
Being the first visible bar upon exiting Wrigley Field ensures that, on game days, this bar is overflowing with human monsters who have just spent the better part of three hours eating hot dogs, drinking Old Style, and watching the Cubs lose, or at best, sort of win. Coupling misplaced athletic anger with overpriced light beers is a recipe for regurgitation, shoving matches, and screaming.
Spybar
7. Spybar
Address: 646 North Franklin St.
Website: spybarchicago.com
Spybar is one of those bar/clubs that is so classically douchey you almost can't hate it. It's as if the owners got together and said, "Let's round up all the over-tattooed, faux-hawk-having, house music fans and sell them mixed drinks!" Any reasonable person would enter this abomination, laugh, then promptly leave. Though if you stick around, you might get lucky enough to have your picture taken with a paid model/spokeswomen for whatever the new energy drink spiked with alcohol is called.
Big City Tap
6. Big City Tap
Address: 1010 West Belmont Ave.
Website: n/a
Big City Tap, affectionately called "Big Shitty" by everyone, is the number one place to go in Chicago if you want to overhear girls saying, "Make sure that guy doesn't follow me when we leave." The prices of even the cheapest drinks seem to vary wildly throughout the night, and the crowded dance floor will have you dodging the beginnings of one night stands left and right.
Casey Morans
5. Casey Moran's
Address: 3660 North Clark St.
Website: caseymorans.com
If you haven't noticed the pattern, a certain proximity to Wrigley Field guarantees a certain level of douchery. This bar is no exception. It must be noted that the food is good, but then again, who would begrudge even the douchiest of douchebags the culinary ability it takes to correctly fry chicken fingers? A tiny pig pen of a dance floor is tucked into the far corner of the bar, allowing for some semi-private public dry humping. In the summer, the rooftop opens, providing the added option of being surrounded by douches in the open air. The labyrinthian trek to the sub-ground lavatories will effectively muffle your screams.
Empire Liquors
4. Empire Liquors
Address: 1566 North Milwaukee Ave.
Website: empireliquors.com
Empire Liquors insignia features two elk horns flanking the bar's name. One wonders: Are the "horns" supposed to also represent a generic tribal tattoo pattern, as this bar seems like a douchey Elks Lodge? Randomly, there are faux-wooden stumps on the floor, apparently alluding to the fact that an over-encumbered lumberjack had just stumbled clumsily through the premises. The space is not conducive to dancing, which makes the music a great addition. The fact that the line to get in is typically longer than the line to get out is one of life's great mysteries.
Smart Bar
3. Smart Bar
Address: 3730 North Clark St.
Website: smartbarchicago.com
Connected to the Metro (which is a perfectly good rock venue), Smart Bar has all the atmosphere, charm, and shiny suit jackets of a poorly produced Bacardi commercial. DJs pump hardcore house music as the afterparty crowd bumps and grinds the night away. The sound system is to be commended however, making the horrible music sound crisp and clear. The overpriced drinks are not surprising, as everything about this place is preoccupied with image and status.
Angels and Kings
2. Angels & Kings
Address: 230 North Michigan Ave.
Website: angeslandkings.com
If you've ever listened to a Fall Out Boy song and thought to yourself, "I bet if that bassist owned a bar, it would be as much of a train wreck as his bass playing," congratulations, you can accurately predict obvious things. Angels & Kings is indeed owned by Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz. While it might sound appealing to spend a bunch of money to hang around rich faux-punk rockers and other douchebag celebrities, you'd be giving money to Pete Wentz voluntarily, and he is one of the worst things about America.
John Barleycorn
1. John Barleycorn
Address: 3524 North Clark St.
Website: johnbarleycorn.com
The gold standard in Chicago douchery, this place looks like a pirate-themed UFC venue. The open front allows you to get a good barometer of what awaits you inside: Juiced-up bros and broken-heeled bro-ettes who stand shoulder to shoulder, preventing you from ordering a drink and waiting ten minutes to pay for it. Luckily, you don't have to fight the crowd inside to experience all the Barleycorn has to offer, as the action spills onto Clark Street. The recently kicked out mix with a never-ending line of douches creating a vortex of vomit, fist fights, and cologne that is visible for miles. If there is a merit badge for experiencing douche culture in Chicago, this is where you go to get it.