Do you want to sext with the best of them? Of course you do! The only problem is, every iMessage thirst trap you try to set is empty, desolate—a dry tumbleweed wasteland. Your hesitant typed words are the embodiment of struggle. But you've come here because you're ready to graduate from amateur hour to writing your thesis in sexts.
As with all things in life, the only way to learn from your mistakes is to pick them apart until you feel so bad and pathetic about yourself that you either spend the rest of your life in a basement playing Warhammer 40000, or never ever make those same mistakes again. Shall we? Here's how you're failing at that sext game and what you need to do to keep your pale gray ellipsis on lock.
Do you want to sext with the best of them? Of course you do! The only problem is, every iMessage thirst trap you try to set is empty, desolate—a dry tumbleweed wasteland. Your hesitant typed words are the embodiment of struggle. But you've come here because you're ready to graduate from amateur hour to writing your thesis in sexts.
As with all things in life, the only way to learn from your mistakes is to pick them apart until you feel so bad and pathetic about yourself that you either spend the rest of your life in a basement playing Warhammer 40000, or never ever make those same mistakes again. Shall we? Here's how you're failing at that sext game and what you need to do to keep your pale gray ellipsis on lock.
You Act Like You're Taking a Yearbook Photo
You should never include your face when sexting. This is a dangerous business—just ask every victim of the Fappening. Anonymity is paramount. One way to combat the hackers from lifting a photo of your genitals from the Cloud and posting it on some D-level porn site is to make sure said photo doesn't include your face looking all ra-ta-ta.
If, like Bryan Silva, you have a particularly memorable or terrible tattoo, it's also a good idea to not sext a photo that features this tattoo prominently. First of all, it's ugly; and second of all, it's another way to have your anonymity blown to bits.
You Think There Are #Latergrams in Sexting
So your pecks were on fleek three summers ago and you just so happened to snap a sext-appropriate pic when you were feeling particularly good after a nice shower. That's grand and all, but don't send that washed photo if your pecks are now more on par with Lil Terrio's than Channing Tatum's. That's called false sexting, and it's illegal (or should be).
The thing about sexting is, it should happen in real time, meaning old photos originally saved on your iPhone 4s don't work. The most successful sexts are those that reference and take advantage of objects, body parts, and clothing you have in front of you in that moment. Just like if you were interacting IRL right then.
You Don't Pause Before Sending a Dick Pic
Foreplay includes everything that happens before the actual shagging takes place, so keep that in mind before you send a picture of your dick. To some degree, sexting is the Internet's answer to no one ever having enough time to do anything with anyone else IRL, and this, sadly, means foreplay. Use your sexts to tease and cajole your partner into asking for more.
The number one rule when it comes to dick pics is this: Do not send a dick pic unless one has been solicited. If you send one without knowing for sure that the recipient wants it, you run the risk of being rejected. If you are dying to send one, ask your sexting partner if it would be cool before hitting "send." Use your words and send pics of other body parts. If you play your cards right, you'll get the green light on a dick pic in no time.
You're Only on Camera
Next-level sexting: video. The wrong way to do this is film a 15-second clip of you fapping. The right way to do this is to put on "Distant Lover (Live at Oakland-Alameda Coliseum 1974 Edit)" by Marvin Gaye, light some candles, film the flame burning bright and send the video with the caption, "Wish you were here."
You Think the Cloud Has Friends
Nothing is safe on the Cloud. You should be very selective about who you choose to sext. Some people will take your intimate photos and show them to other people without your permission. Beyond that, sexting has become a major source of legal controversy because angry, jilted lovers—mostly teens—publicly post old sexts in an attempt to shame exes. This is a huge violation of trust and privacy and has resulted in very tragic outcomes. Don't be that guy. Just take that L. Delete the sexts after the breakup.
You Failed English
When you're texting with someone, you know when it's taking "the turn." That is, they're starting to flirt, you're flirting back, and they ask:
"If you were with me right now, what would you be doing?
First, think. What exactly would you want to be doing? Don't get bashful and come back with:
"Sitting on the couch watching a movie."
You'll probably be sitting there alone.
Like you learned in English class, get descriptive. Build the image you want them to see. From the details of where you’d like to put your hands, to where you’d like them to put their mouth. Show, don’t tell. Use the five senses. Smells are important. Talk about the "rich parade" of your lover's "hair and perfume," word to Cormac McCarthy.
You Think You Don't Have a Bad Side
Everyone has a bad side, despite what the white lady says at the beginning of this fire Kari Kaux video. Lighting is important, angles are important, avoiding photos that accentuate your flaws is important. Find that nice, soft lighting that's going to allow you to capture your body in the best way. Shadows are your friend; they create mystery and hide blemishes. Filters are your friend; they're pretty. Don't be a fool and think the other person will be sending you raw, untouched images. Dress your sexts, just don't revise to the point that the image doesn't resemble your body at all.
You Have Not Developed a Sext Strategy
You can send a sext at any time of day—early or late—but you can only send a sext after a specific moment in the relationship. You just met this person on Tinder and they're giving your the digits. It might not be the best choice to lead with that nude (unless you're into that DTF thing.) Don't send a sext too fast. Make sure you've thought about your larger sexting strategy. Where do you want this to go? What’s your end game? Evaluate your risks and rewards, then act accordingly.
You're Not Using Apps
That's right, there are apps for sexting. Ever see Kik or Yak attached to someone's Instagram or Twitter profile? Like Snapchat, these apps are used internationally to help some people keep in touch, but they also make it easy to send sexts to your European lover.