Image via Complex Original
Hip-hop and hyperbole go hand in hand. The most lyrically dense form of popular music, rap is a genre where boasting is a competitive sport and the brags are never humble. When it comes to embellished claims of wealth, sexual prowess, dangerousness, or lyrical skill rappers have talking shit down to a science.
But sometimes the science veers into the realm of science fiction and rappers say shit that's so exaggerated even avid rap fans are jarred out of their suspension of disbelief.
Complex takes a look back sat some of the craziest exaggerations ever to come from an MC's mouth. Here are 30 Ridiculously Exaggerated Rapper Claims.
Written by Timmhotep Aku (@timmhotep)
RELATED: The 50 Most Outrageous Rapper Quotes
Kanye West "I Am A God" (2013)
Lyric: "I am a God."
Album: Yeezus
Narcissus was only a demi-god. Brush up on your Greek mythology 'Ye.
Jay-Z "Open Letter" (2013)
Lyric: "Obama said 'Chill, you gonna get me impeached'/But you don't need this shit anyway/Chill with me on the beach"
Album: None
Not sure if Jay was quoting a BBM convo they had with one another, but the official statement from the White House about the Cuba "scandal" was: "I wasn't familiar that they were taking the trip...You know, this is not something the White House was involved with. We've got better things to do."
2 Chainz on Chrisette Michele's "Charades" (2013)
Lyric: "I'm so cold I think I could melt candles"
Album: Better
Fam, you really need to learn how phrase transition works.
Rick Ross on Rocko's "UOENO" (2013)
Lyric: "I die over these Reeboks"
Album: Gift of Gab 2
We'd never wish ill on a man who has brought us so much joy through his music. We will say the idea of Ross taking a bullet for his Kamikazes is beyond ridiculous. Some lemon pepper wings from Wingstop? Maybe. But not some kicks.
Nas "Loco-Motive" (2012)
Lyric: "Saying Nas must have naked pictures of God or something."
Album: Life Is Good
God messed up that one time he got drunk and sent Nas all those dong pics. Now Nas can blackmail the Creator for eternity. First he snuffs your son at the age of 12 and now this. Smarten up, God.
Tyler, The Creator "Tron Cat" (2011)
Lyric: "I'm awesome and I fuck dolphins."
Album: Goblin
No, Tyler. You don't fuck dolphins, dolphins fuck you. Groups of male dolphins are known to forcibly having with females of the species in a mating ritual that's been likened to gang rape. Dolphins have even been known to make human swimmers the targets of sexual assault and all the "just kidding" rape raps in the world won't protect you. So what's a wolf to a dolphin?
Lil B "I'm Miley Cyrus" (2010)
Lyric: "I'm Miley Cyrus"
Album: Red Flame
If Lil' B, leader of the Bitch Mob and the fucker of other people's bitches, was really Miley Cyrus he'd have some explaining to do. Like why are you trying so hard to sexualize yourself at such a young age? Like since when did twerkin' become your thing? How the fuck did you end up on stage with Juicy J? How has your father not whooped your achey-breaky butt for your antics? What the fuck was up with that horse costume? So many questions for you Lil B.
Nicki Minaj on Dirty Money's "Hello, Good Morning (Remix)" (2010)
Lyric: "Bitch I do it 'cause I get it/I got billion dollar credit."
Album: Last Train to Paris
How the hell did the U.S. federal government's credit rating get down graded while Roman Zolanski is out here ballin' with enough approved credit to buy a Caribbean island? We're not buying this one.
Young Jeezy "Lose My Mind" (2010)
Lyric: "House stupid dumb big/My rooms got rooms"
Album: Thug Motivation 103: Hustlerz Ambition
Jeezy, we understand your nouveau riche excitement. But, like comedian Hannibal Burress has pointed out: a room within a room is usually called a "closet." Don't let your real estate agent gas you.
P. Diddy on Waka Flocka Flame's "O Let's Do It (Remix)" (2010)
Lyric: "Bought me Teterboro just to Diddy bop and land my jet."
Album: N/A
According to Forbes magazine Sean Combs is worth about $550 million. That's a shit ton of money, but still not enough to purchase Teterboro, the New Jersey airport which "supports 15,000 jobs and $1.8 billion in annual economic activity" according to the National Business Aviation Association. No matter how many times he's done his "Diddy Jet Dance" there.
Gucci Mane "Time To Eat" (2009)
Lyric: "A ounce of what I smoke cost double ya mortgage"
Album: Play Me Some Pimpin
According to Realtor magazine "the national average for a home loan is $222,261 with a $1,061 average monthly payment for a 30-year mortgage at 4 percent ..." Last we checked, even OG Kush and Granddaddy Purple weren't hitting for that much an ounce. Gucci, your weed man is ripping you off!
Lil B "Pretty Boy" (2009)
Lyric: "Hoes on my dick cause I look like Jesus."
Album: Everything Based
They didn't have iPhones, Instagram, Faceboook or even cameras back when the Bible was written. So no one knows for sure what Jesus looks like.
Nas on Jay-Z's "Success" (2007)
Lyric: "Google Earth Nas/I got flats in other continents."
Album: American Gangster
Don't tell us we were the only ones stupid enough to actually do this when we heard this lyric. Oh, word? Well, we'll have you know we were unable to locate any of Nasir's other cribs around the globe. But not surprisingly, if you search "Jungle" you'll get mad hits.
Rick Ross "Hustlin'" (2006)
Lyric: "I know Pablo/Noriega/The real Noriega, he owe me a hundred favors."
Album: Port of Miami
There's been much speculation about the veracity of Rick Ross's claims to a life of crime. (Especially since the revelation of his past as a corrections officer.) But out of all of his outlandish raps, this one still takes the cake. In one breath he gave us one of the best and most implausible drug-related name drops in rap history. First he's like "I know Pablo," and we assume he means Pablo Escobar. That's funny because Pablo Escobar got his wig pushed back in '93—more than a decade before "Hustlin'" was released.
But maybe we're wrong and the King of Cocaine faked his death like he was Tim Dog or something. Even if that's the case, Ross's claim that he's cool with Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega is even funnier. Noriega, the real Noriega (sorry P.A.P.I.), has been incarcerated since Uncle Sam decided to extract his ass from Panama way back in 1989. In fact he's been on something of a prison world tour, doing time in the U.S., France and his native Panama where the 79 year-old has about 20 years left on his sentence. If the real Nore owes Ross 100 favors they must all stem from illicit activity Ricky was engaged in as a tween, since Noriega's been in the clink since Ross was 13 years old.
Malice on Clipse's "Ride Around Shining" (2006)
Lyric: "Canary yellow diamonds size of yield signs, slow down"
Album: Hell Hath No Fury
No. There will be no Will Smith joke here. Sorry.
Jay-Z "Threat" (2003)
Lyric: "I will kill you, commit suicide, and kill you again."
Album: The Black Album
What's beef? Beef is when Jigga man is so pissed at you that he'll send you to the afterlife then follow you there to seek further retribution. Just ask Jaz-O's rap career, you don't want it with Hov. Nooooo.
Busta Rhymes "Make It Clap" (2003)
Lyric: "Ayo, we about to take everybody from every street, and throw a party in the Grand Canyon."
Album: It Ain't Safe No More...
Yes, the Grand Canyon is a natural treasure. It would be a great place for a family vacation. But the National Park Service has issued a 25-page-long "Compendium of Designations, Closures, Use of Activity and Restrictions, Permit Requirements and Other Regulations." Full of rules to dampen the wildness of any party in this wilderness. Pick a better venue next time, Busta.
50 Cent "Wanksta" (2002)
Lyric: "We riding 'round with guns the size of Lil Bow Wow..."
Album: No Mercy, No Fear
Bow Wow is no Andre the Giant by any means, but still that would be one big-ass gun! We wonder how Bang'Em Smurf felt when he heard this line. "Another short joke, Fif? Really?"
Jadakiss "We Gonna Make It" (2001)
Lyric: "'Cause when my coke come in/They gotta use the scale that they weigh the whales with."
Album: Kiss tha Game Goodbye
First off that whale on a scale you see behind 'Kiss at 0:14 in this video is not a real whale so that leads us to believe that that's not a real whale scale. But what if Jadakiss really was importing orca-sized boat loads of cocaine? About how much would that weigh? Well, according to whalefacts.org (one of our favorite sources of aquatic sea mammal information) whales can weigh over 150 tons. And if Jada was operating on that level, he wouldn't be so interested in signing the LOX to MMG.
Tragedy Khadafi "Worldwide Thug" (2001)
Lyric: "Who's responsible for the Oklahoma Bombing?/I shot Kennedy, fleed the crime scene jogging/Feds knew I did it still gave me a pardon/For the way 2-5 just repped at the Garden"
Album: The Black Eminem
Never mind that Tragedy Khadafi was born in 1971 and so would've needed a time machine to assassinate JFK in 1963, or Robert F. Kennedy in '68. Ignore the fact that we known that Timothy McVeigh was the guy behind the 1995 bombing of an OKC government building. The best part about Tragedy's crazy boast is the notion that the Feds would be like, "Yo, that show you and your crew did at MSG was fucking tight. We're gonna overlook that whole 'killed the president and committed a heinous act of terrorism' thing because 25 To Life is our shit. But just this once!" For the record we can find no evidence that Tragedy and company ever headlined at Madison Square Garden.
Big Tymers "#1 Stunna" (2000)
Lyric: "I just bought me a platinum football field!"
Album: I Got That Work
Not only would a platinum football field be prohibitively expensive. It would be totally unsafe to play on. Astroturf is hard enough on football players knees. Just think of poor Drew Brees.
Nas on Wu-Tang Clan's "Let My Niggas Live" (2000)
Lyric: "I been on boats, nut down throats, pee on bitches who famous/Pretty dick, puttin' stitches in they anus/I'm the animal that Hugh Heffner created/The only nigga Sade dated, the most hated/Nas nigga"
Album: The W
It seems that Nas is privy to knowledge of Sade's love life that we aren't. If we take "niggas" to mean black men, then the bi-racial songstress only wants heavy cream in her coffee—that is unless it's Nasir Jones. Nas is a notorious lady killer but Sade? It ain't hard to tell (that he did not do that).
N.O.R.E. "Superthug" (1998)
Lyric: "Ayo, we light a candle/Run laps around the English Channel..."
Album: N.O.R.E.
First off, Newport cigarettes and cardiovascular exercise don't go together. So we know that Noreaga wasn't running laps anywhere in 1998. Second, and this is a doozy: It is impossible to run around the English Channel, it is a body of water than connects the Atlantic Ocean to the North Sea. So to go around it, you would have to run and swim. (Or, as would probably be the case with Nore, take a boat.)
Canibus on Common's "Making a Name for Ourselves" (1997)
Lyric: "I'll hit you in your chest so hard, your shoulders will touch."
Album: One Day It'll All Make Sense
Canibus be shown' up to battles with a broken arm and rhymes written on legal pads. He does not have the superhuman strength to pull off this feat.
Big Punisher "I'm Not a Player" (1997)
Lyric: "It's the king of the Hip-Hop Quotables/Givin' you multiples just by the tone of my voice in the vocal booth"
Album: Capital Punishment
Ladies, listen to the above song above in its entirety. Now, count the number of times you've orgasmed. Is he right?
Jay-Z "Imaginary Player" (1997)
Lyric: "Ain't no manicurist on board/Then switch your plane."
Album: In My Lifetime, Vol. 1
"What's the difference between a G650 and a G550? An in-flight manicurist, cocksucker. Beat it!" What if Jay's classic dressing down of a wannabe baller at the end of "Imaginary Player" went like that? It'd be weird, to say the least, right? Even weirder to think that Hov circa '98 was not fucking with any plane where he couldn't get his nails done. So much so that he had to let the world know about his expensive taste in grooming? Did Kid Sister secretly ghost write for him back in the day?
Ghostface Killah "Daytona 500" (1996)
Lyric: "I slapped box with Jesus, licked shots at Joseph""
Album: Ironman
According to this Bible thing, Jesus a very committed pacifist.
Ghostface Killah "Wildflower" (1996)
Lyric: "Remember when I long-dicked you and broke your ovary?"
Album: Ironman
Not to get all high school health class on you, but getting to the ovaries via the vaginal canal is anatomically impossible. At least without destroying the reproductive organs of your female partner. And most women aren't into hysterectomy-by-penis. Also, we're not sure an ovary could "break," technically.
Jeru the Damaja on The Crooklyn Dodgers' "Return of the Crooklyn Dodgers" (1995)
Lyric: "Chips that power nuclear bombs power my Sega"
Album: N/AUnless the government gave Jeru access to a special advance version of Sega's Dreamcast with nuclear launch sequence capability, this line is a gross exaggeration. Plus, would the government entrust such technology to a guy who had smoldering Twin Towers on his first album cover?
Ice Cube "When Will They Shoot?" (1992)
Lyric: "Give me room and I'll fire at the sun."
Album: The Predator
This is one of the most beautiful, profound, poetic lines ever delivered in a rap song. But the sun is 92,960,000 miles from the earth. Bullets don't go far that far.