Image via Complex Original
There are approximately 3.3 million videos that come up when you search "Rap Battle" in YouTube and, were I to guess, I've seen all of them. I saw the one where the one guy knocks out the other one. I saw the one where Darth Vader goes against Hitler. I saw the rap battle parody that everyone watched. I saw the one(s) where the white guy says "nigga" while battling the black guy. I've seen all of the rap battle videos. ALL OF THEM. Which is why everything in this list about imagining rap battles is so much closer to "fact" than to "speculation." That's a little thing called utmost journalism.
Written by Shea Serrano (@SheaSerrano)
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Diddy vs. Birdman
Birdman is a perennial Shit Talking champion of everything. Diddy doesn't even write his own songs.
Winner: Birdman, in an avalanche of hand rubs and jokes about Red Café and Da Band.
A$AP Ferg vs. Fergie
A$AP's "Persian Wine" video was extra dope and all, but can we not pretend like "London Bridge" wasn't better than basically all of Trap Lord? Just kidding. I mean, "London Bridge" was for sure pretty perfect, but Ferg pulls her legs off in a real rap battle and probably maybe even in real life.
Winner: A$AP
Chief Keef vs. Chance the Rapper
Several weeks ago I was on Twitter (such a sad way to start a sentence) and somebody on my timeline retweeted something into my line of sight about Chief Keef only being 5'3" tall. FIVE FOOT THREE. Do you know how dispiriting that was, to find out that the most tumultuous rapper of recent is as short as my wife? EVERYTHING changed.
Also, I'm still waiting for Chief Keef to start speaking English. That'd hurt him a little here.
[Ed. Note—Chief Keef is taller than 5'3.]
Winner: Chance the Rapper.
Miley Cyrus vs. Lil Debbie
Here's what happens: Miley and Lil Debbie stand eye to eye. They're in the middle of the Dallas Cowboys stadium and it's full of their fans (89,885 for Miley and 15 for Lil Debbie). Music comes on. They take turns rapping. The crowd goes nutsos. And then right before a winner is announced (by Spencer from The Hills probably, or maybe JC Chasez), the Earth opens up and swallows them all. Malibooyah. That's a little thing called a perfect ending.
Winner: Humans. All the humans. Every single one.
Jay Z vs. Kanye West
My dad is 50-years-old. He is 5'7" and weighs maybe 220 pounds. He's nearsighted and he's driven a city bus for nearly 30 years and so he has a bulged disk in his back that only permits him to walk 500 or so steps before he's rendered immobile. That said, if he and I went outside and played one on one to 15 right now, he would absolutely destroy me. He'd probably win 15-4 or something stupid like that. Not because he's more capable, but because he just has my brain positively perplexed. He is totally in my head. Same thing here. Jay Z is several paces behind Kanye West right now, but you just have to assume that Kanye wouldn't be his typically ferocious self against big brother.
Winner: Jay Z, because Kanye's heart is bigger than anyone seems to realize.
Mac Miller vs. Macklemore
It just seems like poor Macklemore can't get a good matchup here. Mac Miller is just way too silly to lose this rap battle, and any rap battle, really. I mean, remember after Kendrick called his name in "Control" and Miller responded by tweeting some joke about only rapping in adverbs or something and then everyone cooed?
Winner: Mac Miller
RiFF RAFF vs. RiFF RAFF
The only thing better than a Lil B vs. RiFF RAFF battle is a RiFF RAFF vs. RiFF RAFF battle. Would anyone even really be all that surprised if a link started floating around tomorrow titled, "RiFF RAFF Battles Himself, Says He'd Cook Himself On A Versace Hibachi"? I can't even imagine all of the amazing that would happen if RiFF RAFF lined up across from RiFF RAFF. It'd be like when you put two mirrors facing each other, except with cornrows. It would be INFINITY.
Winner: Humans. All the humans. Every single one. In the most existential, purest way possible.
Action Bronson vs. Sage Francis
There's probably some sort of reflexive action to just automatically pick whoever it is between the two that is the least popular and then say something like, "Well, he might not be able to make a great, catchy song, but he's got those bars, yo!" But nope. Not here. Action Bronson is one of the funniest, most clever rappers alive. Sage Francis gets washed away by Action's charisma.
Winner: Action Bronson, because with his hair slicked back he looks like Rick Pitino
Ali Vegas vs. Big Sean
First: When the editor sent me the first list of potential battles that I'd be writing about, this one was on there. It included a parenthetical that read, "Because both guys are short." I met Big Sean this past February while working on this other thing. He and I were literally eye to eye. It was the first thing that I thought about. :(
Second: Big Sean definitely wins this battle. Ali Vegas just isn't that great. Sorry.
Winner: Big Sean
Cam'ron vs. Ma$e
Ma$e was basically the most important rapper (to me) in 1997. For some reason, I have very vivid memories of playing the middle block of Harlem World while I took baths (BATHS, fool, if you can even believe that). And I even remember one time I performed "Feel So Good" with a Vietnamese guy as part of some end-of-year project for speech class. Sadly, none of that helps here.
Winner: Cam'ron, because you should definitely always roll with the guy that has the superfluous apostrophe in his name over the guy with the superfluous dollar sign.
Canibus '98 vs Eminem '98
Canibus is for sure a pitbull, but, BUT, nobody on the planet is going to beat Hungry Eminem in a rap battle. Good fight, but only like how a fight is a good fight when one guy gets the shit kicked out of him but never gets knocked out and so you just kind of admire his heart. That kind of good fight.
Winner: Eminem, because are you even serious?
Earl vs. Doom
The only draw on the list. Doom SHOULD win because of his veteran status, but Earl SHOULD win because of his remarkable ability to twist predicates and nouns into twizzlers. Sorry. I have no gumption.
Winner: Both, so really: nobody. Sucks, sucks, sucks.
Eminem vs. Macklemore
#RIP Macklemore
Winner: Eminem
Eminem vs. Everyone
#RIP Everyone
Winner: Eminem
Freeway vs. Stalley
Who* vs. Who?
*Before you get all HEY WTF MAN??? about that, just know that the picture of Freeway on his Wiki page is subtitled, "Freeway performing in Wilmington, Delaware in 2008." WILMINGTON, DELWARE IN 2008, so maybe he's just not as popular outside of Philadelphia as you though.
Winner: Freeway, partly because of State Property but mostly because he pioneered the beard that Stalley rocks. (Well, him and Abe Lincoln.)
J. Cole vs. Wale
[Snoring sounds...] Huh? Wha? What?... Oh, excuse me. I must have dozed off for a second there.
No. Hahaha. Just, kidding. These guys are both very good rappers. It's become en vogue to act like they're not exactly the most exciting rappers. But let's not all act like we weren't falling over ourselves to say nice things about A Mixtape About Nothing or that we weren't really happy for the nice guy from North Cackalacky signed to the Roc.
Winner: Wale. When Wale raps I kind of want to listen. And when J. Cole raps I kind of want to have The Undertaker give me The Tombstone.
J.Cole vs. Nas
hahahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ahahahahahahaha HAHAHA haha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hahahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hahahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ahahahahahahaha HAHAHA ahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hahahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA hahahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA hahahahahahahaha HAHAHAHAHA haha HAHAHAHA hahahaha
Winner: Nas, duh.
Killer Mike vs. Big Boi
OH MY.
This one would be no less monstrous than the end scene of Pacific Rim. This one would be like whenever it was that that gigantic asteroid crashed into the side of Earth and knocked a chunk of it out into space. If this had been written the same year that Big released Sir Lucious Left Foot, then he'd get the nod. But we're coming off of Run The Jewels, which is still a sleeper pick for Best Rap Album of the Year.
Winner: Killer Mike. Though if you hate that answer, I completely understand.
Lil B vs. RiFF RAFF
This would be the dopest battle because RiFF RAFF would do his perfectly preposterous RiFF RAFF rap thing and the whole time Lil B would be there trying to hug him and shit. Lil B is the nicest and RiFF RAFF is the sweetest. I can't think of two guys that would be more pleasant to hang around then these two. They just seem so wonderful through the computer screen.
Winner: Humans. All the humans. Every single one.
Nicki Minaj vs. Lil Kim
The best version of Nicki Minaj (her verse on "Monster," likely) versus the best version of Lil Kim (basically any time back before she decided she wanted to start transforming her face into something appropriating a pudgy Asian woman).
Winner: Lil Kim, because Lil Kim is the dopest female rapper of all-time and I don't know how everyone managed to forget that.
Pusha T vs. Lil Wayne
If this is the best version of Pusha T versus the best version of Lil Wayne, then it's a good fight. Maybe it'd even be an even fight. But if we're playing averages then it's going to be a lethal Pusha T versus, like, fucking "Lollipop" Lil Wayne or whatever. And in that case:
Winner: Pusha T, though it'd be a lot closer if this was a long hair-don't-care battle.
Rich Homie Quan vs. Future
Future would go first and then Rich Homie Quan would go and just basically copy everything that Future did. Then everyone would be like, "Um, bro, like, you know that we know you just copied him, right?" And then Rich Homie Quan would be like, "I really don't know what you're talking about. I'm just being honest."
BOOM! THAT'S A JOKE INSIDE OF A JOKE, SON.
FUCK WITH ME.
Winner: Future
Scarface vs. Al Kapone
This one isn't a serious one, right? Because… bro.
Winner: Scarface, though if you really needed me to tell you that then I don't think there's really too much else to be done.
Lil Wayne '09 vs. Lil Wayne '13
2013 Lil Wayne would be like, "I'm about to eat this rap bitch like a rap pussy; uncooked raw fish, call it rap sushi." Then 2009 Wayne would be like, "What the fuck are you talking about?" Then 2013 Wayne would stop, look around despondently, be like, "I don't even know anymore," and then he'd start crying. Then 2009 Wayne would get a real confused look on his face, start to look around, realize that he's watching what he's going to become in four years, then he'd smash his own head into the floor until it was a great, big, open, gushy cantaloupe. And then 2013 Wayne would see it, perk up, wipe the tears from his face, then be like, "Ooh, he got that cantaloupe brain thinking about me, that's a fruit salad. Eat that pussy like an R&B track, that's a good ballad." And then the universe would implode.
Winner: Nobody. No humans. Not one single one.
Drake vs. Kendrick Lamar
Kendrick Lamar (also a tiny guy) was built by hand by rap monsters for this sort of thing. Much as I love (and sincerely care about) Drake, Kendrick would rip his feet from his legs here.
Winner: Kendrick, because nobody not named Eminem isn't afraid of him right now.