Image via Complex Original
12.
For the most ardent Adele fans, their pre-orders of 25officially began to download around 11 p.m. and by 12:30 a.m. Thursday night. They were surely curled into balls of despair on their floors—no doubt clutching wine glasses in one hand and cell phones in the other. While it’s unclear if they’re presently still drowning in a pool of their own tears, I am here to assist the rest of you who are curious to hear the new album but need to be briefed appropriately. As in, which of these songs will make you want to text your ex? Or have you crying on the subway? Make you scream out in pain while stuck in traffic? And of course, doing the absolute most on social media to attract sympathy to you and your boo-less life only to find yourself looking a damn fool?
Fret not, y’all. My tear ranking is here to help.
11.“Send My Love (To Your New Lover)”
I was immediately caught off guard by this lil’ number because it sounds—insert audible gasp right here—upbeat. And then Adele begins to sing. To the surprise of no one, it’s about love lost. However, this is very adult subject matter about a breakup. Like, Adele is wishing her old boo and his new bae well. She acknowledges that the two were just not a good match and that’s perfectly OK. It’s a little melancholy, but it comes with some shimmy-inducing production. Unlike most Adele songs, you can listen to this in the dark without anyone needing to feel concern. Cherish this moment: It does not last for long.
10.“Sweetest Devotion”
Believe it or not, she’s not mad at the guy here. You have to pay attention to the lyrics, but really, she’s happy about the man.
9.“I Miss You”
The title suggests that you will be drenching your pillow in liquid emotion, but the song itself is more about longing, or to be blunt, the sex. Check Adele out, singing about boning motherfuckers and shit. My girl. This is another safe one. Not the most upbeat way to sing about wanting to smash, but if you listen to Drake, you’re used listening to “moody but I still have a boner” music. Flourish, children.
8.“River Lea”
THE RIVER LEA. THE RIVER LEA. YEAH, I BLAME IT ON THE RIVER LEA. Damn, that's some catchy shit. And it’s even better when you try to copy Adele’s accent. You probably sound stupid as hell—I think I do—but hey, you’re not tearing up. Success.
7.“Remedy”
The first few seconds of the song sound like you might as well crouch down and curl into a ball, but once you get to the actual lyrics, it’s not so bad. Adele sings, “When the pain cuts you deep/When the night keeps you from sleeping/Just look and you will see your remedy.” This is her version of an inspirational Instagram word meme.
6.“Water Under the Bridge"
Wait—you hear that beat? I’m swaying. It’s definitely about rejection, but like “Send My Love (To Your New Lover),” Adele doesn’t sound like she wants to cut herself. However, she’s not as fine-fine-fine-fine-fine with it as the other. Be careful and watch for social media triggers. Do not like the new picture. For the love of God, watch yourself.
5.“Love in the Dark”
I’m pouring another glass of red wine. This is depressing as all hell. It’s basically, “I can never have you.” Way to trigger, Adele.
4.“Million Years Ago”
I’m typing this from my apartment floor. She misses everyone. Life sucks. Nothing is good anymore. This is a wall slide, chase your anti-depressant with alcohol, scream out to God type of song. She sounds gorgeous, though.
3.“Hello”
I think we all know this sound is a ball of agony, battered in regret, deep fried in sorrow, and topped off with thoughts of what might have been. This is Adele at her best, which means this song brings you to your absolute lowest. You’ve already sent your “I miss you” text, so let’s not even bother with pretense. You do need to stop letting this play on loop, though. They are not coming back, and even if they do, it is just to climax before taking your feelings and tossing them away like the trash they find it to be. Sorry, though.
2.“All I Ask”
This sounds like white people’s answer to Keith Sweat’s begging of the ’80s. She is hurting. You will hurt more. She actually has a man. And money. So.
1.“When We Were Young”
Jesus, Adele. You’re going to put my emotions into this tight a headlock by song four? This one will make you hit up someone who broke your heart in fourth, ninth, or 11th grade. This is the song someone has a breakdown to in a romantic comedy. It’s the song someone dies to on some TV movie on Lifetime. This is the song that will cause your friend who can never stop complaining about not having a man to call you after listening to it at least 50 times. I’m turning this shit off.