We all make mistakes. Luckily, the majority of us have the privilege of being nobodies. Our follies are shielded by anonymity. Get suckered into a pyramid scheme? Shart during communion? Accidentally send a dick pic to your 23 twitter followers? Walk into a road sign? Very few people will find out.
Unfortunately, celebrities don't have that luxury. If it's not paparazzi, they have to worry about zealous fans clutching smartphones with video recording apps at-the-ready. Such is life for the famous. Whereas actors and actresses show flashes of everyday human qualities, musicians don't, specifically rappers. A rapper's job is to rhyme words together and then be as cool as possible when they are not rhyming words together. Occasionally, their swag-laden persona crumbles like the walls of Jericho. And, when it does, we have TMZ, smartphones and paparazzi to capture it for our enjoyment.
Let us collectively enjoy The Top 20 Hip-Hop Fails of 2013 (So Far). Schadenfreude ahoy!
Written By Justin Roberson (@BauceSauce)
RELATED: The 50 Best Instagram Photos (So Far)
RELATED: The Best Songs of 2013 (So Far)
RELATED: The Worst Rap Lines of 2013 (So Far)
We all make mistakes. Luckily, the majority of us have the privilege of being nobodies. Our follies are shielded by anonymity. Get suckered into a pyramid scheme? Shart during communion? Accidentally send a dick pic to your 23 twitter followers? Walk into a road sign? Very few people will find out.
Unfortunately, celebrities don't have that luxury. If it's not paparazzi, they have to worry about zealous fans clutching smartphones with video recording apps at-the-ready. Such is life for the famous. Whereas actors and actresses show flashes of everyday human qualities, musicians don't, specifically rappers. A rapper's job is to rhyme words together and then be as cool as possible when they are not rhyming words together. Occasionally, their swag-laden persona crumbles like the walls of Jericho. And, when it does, we have TMZ, smartphones and paparazzi to capture it for our enjoyment.
Let us collectively enjoy The Top 20 Hip-Hop Fails of 2013 (So Far). Schadenfreude ahoy!
Written By Justin Roberson (@BauceSauce)
RELATED: The 50 Best Instagram Photos (So Far)
RELATED: The Best Songs of 2013 (So Far)
RELATED: The Worst Rap Lines of 2013 (So Far)
Lil Wayne Sexualizes Emmett Till Tragedy
Date: 2/10/2013
2008 Lil Wayne would rap words from his codeine-coated mouth, and we would say "Whoa. What did you say, Lil Wayne?" His lyrics were quotable and rewind-worthy. 2013 Lil Wayne raps words from his codeine-coated mouth, and we say "Why would you say that, Lil Wayne?" His lyrics are laughable and a fast-forward-worthy.
"Beat that pussy up like Emmet Till??!!" Whoa! Reducing a horrible, historical instance of racist violence to a punchline is already suspect. But a nasty, sexual, kind-of misogynistic punchline? And then that gross little gremlin giggle after it? And at the one-year anniversary of the Trayvon Martin shooting to boot? Thanks for tainting a Future song, Lil Wayne. Wayne lost his Mountain Dew sponsorship, and not a moment too soon.
As the old adage goes, treat the pussy how you would like to be treated.
Rick Ross' UOENO Controversy
Date: 2/13/2013
Here's what you don't do when you allude to raping a woman in a song. Not apologize. "Woman is the most precious gift known to man. There was a misunderstanding of a lyric... the term 'rape' wasn't used. I would never use the term 'rape' in my records... we don't condone rape, and I'm not with that."
I dont condone rape.Apologies for the #lyric interpreted as rape. #BOSS
— Mastermind (@rickyrozay) April 4, 2013
Easiest way to deflect responsibility is to put the burden on everyone else. You're right, Ross. We totally misinterpreted "Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain't even know it/I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain't even know it." You didn't say rape. That was our bad for misconstruing the situation.
If nothing else it's apparent that Rick Ross has no earthly idea how Molly actually works. Rappers have to name check the drug du jour; it's in their contracts. "U.O.E.N.O." was near the end of the month, and Officer Ricky needed to meet the quota. Ross would eventually lose the Reebok sponsorship he would allegedly have died for.
Related: Activists Want Rick Ross to Apologize for "U.O.E.N.O." Lyric
Gucci Mane Changes Name to Guwop
Date: 3/4/2013
Gucci Mane had lowkey (like the far left of a piano) been going by GuWop—or at least shouting it out in songs—for a about a year before he dropped this bombshell on Twitter.
July 2nd I'm officially changing my rap name to Guwop and retiring the great GucciMane Thanks Fans, for 8 years as Gucci now it's Wop turn
— Gucci Mane (@gucci1017) March 4, 2013
OMG! NO! GUCCI MANE HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY DO THIS TO US? HOW WILL WE EVER COPE WITH THIS CHANGE? I GUESS IF YOU GAVE US ABOUT 35 MINUTES WE MIGHT BE ABLE TO COME TO TERMS WITH THIS UNWELCOME SURPRISE...
I am officially NOT changing my name to Guwop it will officially stay Gucci Mane due to my Fans' response.. Trap House 3 & Juug House July 2
— Gucci Mane (@gucci1017) March 4, 2013
WHAT IS WITH THESE SHENANIGANS SIR GUWOPINGTON, ESQ.? JUST AS WE WERE GETTING USED TO CALLING YOU GUWOP YOU GO AND PULL THIS TRICK? WERE YOU EVEN SINCERE ABOUT CHANGING YOUR NAME IN THE FIRST PLACE?
Thankfully, Gucci Mane lives on, in our hearts and in our iTunes libraries forever.
Related: Gucci Mane Changed His Name to "Guwop" for 10 Minutes
Brad Paisley and LL Cool J's "Accidental Racist" Controversy
Date: 4/8/2013
If Nelly and Tim McGraw couldn't solve racism with a rap-country duet, no one can. LL Cool J and Brad Paisley's attempt was so very much worse. How bad is this song? We're pretty sure every bigot who listened to "Accidental Racist" became more bigoted after listening to it. Brad Paisley crooning "I'm just a whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite man"?! While LL Cool J equates a du-rag to a confederate flag!!! People who weren't even bigots before probably became bigots after listening to this song.
Related: Brad Paisley and LL Cool J Team Up For "Accidental Racist," Which You Should Listen to Immediately
Jay-Z Gives Obama Unneccessary Headaches
Date: 4/17/2013
Controversy shrouded Jay-Z and Beyonce's trip to Cuba. Americans can only visit Cuba as part of an academic or educational program. You then must get a license to actually travel from the U.S. Treasury Department. Conservatives were up in arms. Barry maintained his position that he had nothing to do with Jayonce's Cuba trip. When they returned with pictures of a vacation, Conservatives got even more mad (as they tend to do). Hip-Hop-loving Senator Marc Rubio penned an angry letter to Jay-Z that would be the fuel for Jay to release a new song.
On "Open Letter," Jay-Z continues his quest to tell the boldest boasts. He claims to have White House clearance, and a chummy enough relationship with the president that Obama would invite him to sunbathe on a beach with him. He actually has neither. Barry doesn't need anymore stress than he already has. Jay-Z could have spared him a few headaches, but in the end Barack Hussein Obama played it off with a well-written "99 Problems" joke (after approaching the podium to "All We Do Is Win") during the 2013 White House Correspondents' Dinner.
Related: President Obama Himself Addresses Jay-Z and Beyoncé's Cuba Trip
Kanye Walks Into A Pole
Date: 5/9/2013
This could happen to any of us. If it did, all the attention this slip-up would get would be a vague mention of running into a signpost in a Facebook status. But none of us are Kanye West. He's flanked by paparazzi. He's attempting to walk down the street in peace, and he simply doesn't see the sign. What happens next is common behavior. You lash out to blame someone else for something that was your fault. Kanye wants to hit the photog, and does instruct him sternly to stop taking pictures. He's angry. He wants to blame everyone else. In an uncharacteristic move, he centers himself and continues on with baby momma in tow. This, of course, birthed an "I Hit It First" meme photo because why not meme everything, right?
Related: KANYE'S HEAD SMASH WHY SO SERIOUS?
Drake's Dada Meme
Date: 5/15/2013
When the initial picture of Do Right And Kill Everything sporting a full-on Dada Short Set hit the Internet, befuddlement pervaded these digital streets. "Damani Dada? What is going on here?" we thought. What first appeared to just be Drake wearing the clothes Chris Webber had in a box to take to Goodwill turned out to be a behind the scenes look at the 90's-inspired video treatment for "No New Friends."
And much like with every thing that happens ever now on the Internet, the memes began. Drake heading a soccer ball. They didn't stop. Drake taking a Superkick from Shawn Michaels. They got more absurd. Drake as the Morton Salt Girl. The nonsense continued for the better part of a week. Even though it was obvious that Drake was joking around with his best buds. A camera just happened to get him in a ridiculous pose with no context. We're sure he looked at all these pictures muttering "No new memes. No new memes. No new memes. No. No. New."
Related: The 25 Funniest Drake in Dada Memes
Tim Dog Fakes His Own Death
Date: 5/22/2013
Tim Dog is widely known for helping to launch the East Coast/West Coast beef, thanks to his song "Fuck Compton." Tim Dog also reportedly died of complications from diabetes in May. Fans mourned. But then things got weird. The funeral was canceled. No death certificate or autopsy existed. The original report of his death on The Source's website was removed or changed or whatever the original author wants us to believe.
Classically handsome journalist Drew Millard channeled his inner-Columbo and attempted to track down Tim Dog, speaking with multiple women that The Dog conned out of thousands upon thousands of dollars. The further down the rabbit hole you go the stranger this entire story becomes. Tim Dog's tale of deceit even includes a European tour of African-American male strippers.
Eventually, police opened an investigation to look into Tim Dog faking his own death, even going so far as to have a warrant issued for a believed-to-be dead person. Someone even called Tim Dog's phone, and (possibly, maybe) Tim Dog answered. Where is Tim Dog? Heaven? Purgatory? Mississippi?
Related: An Arrest Warrant Has Been Issued for Tim Dog, Who May or May Not Be Dead
Young Money Signs Paris Hilton
Date: 5/22/2013
The first thing you think about when someone says "Cash Money Records" is "Lil Chuckee." The second thing you think of is "Caskey." The third you think of is "Aziatix."
Okay. We're not really sure where we are going with this, other than to highlight that Cash Money signs a lot of people that you have never heard of. Paris Hilton's signing came a year after Cash Money signed the relevancy-deficient nu-metal band Limp Bizkit, because what's more absurd than signing Limp Bizkit to a record deal in 2013? The answer: signing Paris Hilton. It's reported that she has an album coming out this summer that features a song with Lil Wayne. So we have that to look forward to. Hopefully, it includes a Fred Durst verse or two. On the plus side, Birdman never pays any artists or producers, so at least any money she makes off anything from them, she won't actually receive.
BONUS: Y'all remember when Wayne said "And I can't, can't, can't forget Brisco" on his "We Takin' Over" verse, and then did?
Yung Berg x Superhead
Date: 5/30/2013
You would think after Yung Berg's chains tried to find Carmen Sandiego that he would maybe wise up, but nay. Video vixens and women of Superhead and Kat Stacks' ilk move up by capitalizing on someone else's misfortune or exposing someone. The two were photographed together getting cozy, showing off their matching Cartier bracelets and more. Superhead claimed they were dating. Yung Berg denied it.
According to Media Take Out, after some ladies sent Karrine photos of them hanging out with Yung Berg, she began telling people about how Yung Berg would come over to her house drunk, occasionally beating and choking her. Who knows what side is telling the truth. Women are crazy. Rappers are crazy. Shouts to Yung Berg for co-producing "My Hoes They Do Drugs."
Papoose Crashes Summer Jam
Date: 6/2/2013
Oh no! A wild Papoose appeared!
We imagine the younger generation had no clue who this person was that hopped on stage after Kendrick Lamar to perform at Summer Jam. For context, a time existed where DJ Kay Slay tried his hardest to convince the world that Papoose was the savior hip hop needed. The chicanery ultimately succeeded, landing Papoose a $1.5 million dollar contract with Jive in 2005. Eight years later, he released the widely-unanticipated Nacirema Dream, and pulled a Lil Mama stage crash. Papoose Rip Van Winkles it up by waving a gang bandanna/flag around like it is 2004. Though to be fair, that song was probably written in 2004.
Kids: If Papoose can get one point five million dollars, you can literally do anything you ever dreamed of no matter how fucking dumb it is.
Drake's Awkward "FIFA 14" Introduction
Date: 6/10/2013
This made sense? Drake introducing FIFA 2014? It had to have to made sense to someone at EA for this to have happened. Drake used "Balotelli" as a rhyme once; he is a self-admitted fútbol and FIFA fanatic. But, it's painfully obvious that the crowd has no idea who he is. Only four people clap for him.
Drake's "white principal giving morning announcements" voice only increases the awkward levels. Also, no one believes that he cares about the developers at EA making the game. Though, he probably got $50K to do that... so maybe the joke is on us?
Related: Drake Introduces "FIFA 14" at EA's Press Conference in Los Angeles (Video)
J-Kwon Disses Pusha T & Odd Future
Date: 6/12/2013
J-Kwon should have heard the riffs from Pusha and Tyler, and not made a diss song. He could have then sat patiently and taken the compliment Kanye West gave him during his New York Times Interview, made a clever tweet about it, and supplant himself as briefly relevant. What he did instead was make an awful diss song attacking Pusha T and Tyler The Creator. What's funny is that his diss record came out in April, but no one knew until the Ye interview quote made people Google search "Is J-Kwon still alive?"
At least J-Kwon gets to join the esteemed company of Lil Zane and Rah Digga as another tertiary hip hop artist that got dissed by and then dissed Tyler The Creator. See you in 2018, J-Kwon!
Related: Kanye West Just Gave J-Kwon His 16th Minute of Fame
Chief Keef Goes In And Out of Jail
Date: 6/17/2013
Chief Keef is no stranger to trouble. There was that whole mocking another kid's death thing... then that Instagram thing... But 2013 guided to Chief to even more trouble. That video interview he did with Pitchfork at a gun range, ended up being evidence that he violated his parole (for being around and firing weapons). He was sentenced to a juvenile detention center for two months only, one month after Finally Rich. The day after he went to juvenile detention, he was sued for $75,000 for not showing up to a concert in London he was to perform at. You'd think maybe that's it. We're no where close.
Less than a week after being released from jail, Almighty Sosa was arrested at his hotel for drugs and disorderly conduct, ultimately being released later that day. A week later he gets arrested for going twice the speed limit, and then makes bond. There's more. Keef shows up for his speeding ticket court date, gets 18 months of probation. He walks out of the courtroom only to be arrested on an old trespassing warrant. But wait: there's more. He was served his second paternity suit the same day. Awful luck, that Chief Keef has.
Related: Chief Keef Arrested
J. Cole Disses Us For No Reason
Date: 6/22/2013
J. Cole was busy not doing anything leading up to the release of his sophomore album Born Sinner. He hopped on Twitter to deliver a diatribe to nameless critics and publications. (By the way, we can assure you our reviewer listened to the album numerous times).
Projections fucking up hip hop
- J. Cole (@JColeNC) June 19, 2013
First week tally’s fuckin up hip hop - J. Cole (@JColeNC) June 19, 2013
Your 1 listen reviews are fucking up hip hop. - J. Cole (@JColeNC) June 19, 2013
To keep it real, your whole publication is fuckin up hip hop.
- J. Cole (@JColeNC) June 19, 2013
- J. Cole (@JColeNC) June 19, 2013
- J. Cole (@JColeNC) June 19, 2013
After his rant, Cole hopped on Drake's "Jodeci Freestyle" and rhymed, ""Yet your covers keep perplexing me/Maybe it's too Complex for me." It's all fairly weak and whiny, but we suppose Cole had to let some frustrations out after letting Nas down.
Related: Drake Drops Four New Songs in One Night and Announces Album Release Date
Rappers Old Tweets Resurface
Date: 6/24/2013
Rappers be lying, bruh. Every day. User @SargeWP used Twitter's advanced search features to find old tweets from rappers talking about other rappers. Calamity ensued. He unearthed such gems as French Montana calling Kanye West gay:
Kreayshawn saying racial epithets:
And much more. For the full run-down Read These Old Tweets Where Your Favorite Rappers Diss Each Other.
Action Bronson and ScHoolboy Q would own up to it. Saying their opinions have changed over time, and that if they said it at one point that's how they felt at the time. Real. You know who didn't? Travis Scott, who not only dissed Big Sean and Jay-Z (despite being buds with them now), but also insulted T.I., the boss of the label he is currently signed to. Instead of standing by his older opinions, Travis used an app to delete 15,000 of his tweets. What a stand up guy. Big Sean even spoke with Cosmic Kev about the Travis tweets earlier this week.
Rappers from Freddie Gibbs to Danny Brown to ScHoolboy Q and more all had negative things to say about Wale. He seems to be universally hated. It would appear Drake's ubiquitous "no new friends" mantra rings true. Be wary of rappers' opinions.
RELATED: Here Are a Bunch of Old Tweets Wherein Your Favorite Rappers Diss Each Other
Havoc Gets Hacked
Date: 6/24/2013
Mobb Deep member Havoc joined the upper echelon of celebrities who have had their dicktures leaked to the masses: Pete Wentz, Anthony Weiner, Kanye West, Big Sean, Joe Budden, Chris Brown, etc. We suppose he's in good company. Around this time last year, Havoc claimed that his account was hacked when a handful of diss tweets about Prodigy were sent. He denied that he sent those tweets, but then later recanted.
It would appear this time it actually got hacked. Several tweets were sent out with a picture of his engorged nether regions proving that there ain't no such things as half-way crooked. The Hacker changed his bio to read "Alcoholic Asshole. I get everyone pregnant and run. I also shit on everyone who has been there for me." Ouch. That's personal. Twitter suspended his account, and he has yet to return. If we never see another rapper's dingaling for the rest of 2013, we can consider this a successful year.
Related: Havoc's Twitter Just Got Hacked, and It Ain't Pretty
Rick Ross Thinks Africa Is A Country
Date: 6/24/2013
It's been a great year in failure for Rick Ross.
Just landed in the beautiful country of Africa..I can tell you that the world is excited for #TheGifted
— Mastermind (@rickyrozay) June 24, 2013
For all the kids out there, Africa is a continent, not a country. Word to tectonic plates. We're also confident Africa is way more excited to stop famine, genocide, oppression, disease, etc. than a fucking Wale album.