Image via Complex Original
I'm not sure how often dying crosses your mind but for me? I'm thinking about death maybe three, four times a day. I picture horrid scenarios where I'm struck by an airborne fire hydrant or trampled by a bale of hay on some road trip. I once imagined a wayward javelin puncturing my eye socket, killing me in a hurry. Anyway, mostly I'm falling out of a window.
Naturally, I think about the funeral. I wonder what the mood will be like, who will show. Also the details: the order of service, which family members might share a few words regarding my general dopeness. Then there's the music, the most important part. See, I wouldn't mind people leaving and going on about how mine was clearly the trillest funeral they've ever been to before wishing that I rest in peace forever with the angels.
I'm not too picky about most things, such as what I want for dinner or what color drapes I hang in my room or whatever. The music that's played at my funeral, though, is something else. It's not up for negotiation. There will be no tampering with or altering what I've listed here, publicly, for you, my witnesses. These five songs shall be played at ignorant levels during the designated times. Church.
Written by Juan Vidal (@itsjuanlove)
Mortal Kombat Theme Song
This one I'd like on loop during the prelude as people are arriving and finding a place to sit to pay their condolences. The reason for this is very strategic on my part because I like strategy. Listen, I want people to know they're about to experience a funeral like no other. I can't think of a better song to accomplish that goal. Guests ages 28 and up will understand the sheer greatness and instantly know I planned ahead. They'll think of Liu Kang's bicycle kick and Raiden's completely beast-mode Fatalities and be transported to a simpler, happier time, which I, of course, am happy to offer. Others will simply appreciate the musicality of it.
OutKast's “Player's Ball”
A solid pick for any occasion, this gem is just plain quality. It's about pimpin' and slangin' street pharmaceuticals and premium grade automobiles. It's equally about getting high on marijuana, which I've got no strong opinion on. But the music is amazing. The lyrics have a subtle Christmas vibe, too, and that's basically my favorite holiday. If you don't like Christmas and the smell of fresh cedar, please don't come to my funeral. Have this come on after the opening remarks and before a poem, which is Big Boi's first verse. Thanks in advance.
Celia Cruz's “Oye Como Va”
All right, this one is pretty special and requires visuals to get the feel I'm going for. I won't have my vision tarnished by incapable hands, so someone with a background in engineering should probably man the task. What we'll need is a wide resolution LCD projector center stage and we're ready to go. As far as timing, I'd like “Oye Como Va” to start exactly 35 seconds into the eulogy. That will provide ample time for serious thoughts and the relaying of one single memory. I need the eulogist to be interrupted and everyone caught off guard but ready to start dancing because dancing is a good way to shake off sadness.
Sidenote: Everything has to go perfectly here so I must emphasize. Celia Cruz is a legend and I wouldn't dare leave my girl out or risk anything going amiss. Fact is, I'd rather be cremated or forgotten entirely. There is a thing called reverence and I respect Celia's gangster. So respect mine.
M.O.P.'s “Ante Up”
I've always loved M.O.P. and this song is brilliant. It's mostly guns, aimless violence, and bravado but that's life, no? Well, in some places it is, so understand that. Do I have to explain everything? Anyhow, it's my funeral. When you die you can have all the Celine Dion your dark soul desires. Me, I say "Ante Up!" and “Kidnap that fool!” Blast this before the benediction.
The Eminem vs Xzibit Freestyle Battle from 8 Mile
Exit music is a huge deal so I sat and thought on this a good while. In the end, this rap battle always wins. Eminem goes in so tough on Xzibit during this scene; I can't get enough of it. “You've worked at this plant so long, you're a plant.” So good. Hashtag lyricism.