Image via Complex Original
This past weekend was probably the most depressing time I ever had, but definitely not for America's fastest rising corporate entity, "EDM." Two major FEMA camps, EDC and Mysteryland, went head-on, battling to click-bait fans to either attend the uber bro rage fest in New Jersey (although they swear it's NY) or the trippy Disney-wave Mysteryland, set in the historical Woodstock site. Naturally, I went to both because you know what... misery loves company.
[Ed Note: In case you missed it, check out Jason's sadboy trek through Miami Music Week.]
I wanted to investigate how sad EDC was going to be on Saturday, so I went out of my way to search for "true" ravers. I spotted the perfect couple, both dressed in traditional JNCO jeans and I told them that there was no techno in this festival. They were sad.
On my way back, a hysterical white girl kept yelling "I'm trill." A while back, I directed a music video for A$AP Rocky called "Purple Swag," so I have a soft spot for ghetto white girls. Trill Girl walked up to me and showed me her "Trill" tattoo and I asked her if she was an A$AP fan. She said she never heard of him and asked if he sounded like Flosstradamus. I left.
By noon, massive amounts of people have started pouring in so I strolled towards the entrance to see if I can spot more sad people. On my way, I spotted a super rare breed - sad azn group. The sad azn group is popular in Japan, so seeing them here in the states was a treat. I told them not to commit suicide and went on my way towards the main stage.
A quick survey of the crowd by main stage lead me to the conclusion that a particular person was playing.... Martin Garrix. As I walked around, I started to ask random bros who was playing right now and literally one out of every three people could not answer the question. The Great Depression has begun.
There were so many sad ragers. Nobody had a good time.
I even bumped into one of the biggest blogs for the scene... Crying Astronaut.
I turned around to catch a glimpse of the stage and I noticed a strange gassy cloud kept spraying the crowds. Is this the sad chemtrail for ravers? I think so. Later on that night, I managed to convince one out of every three kids that whomever DJ they were raging to at the moment in whichever stage they were, was responsible for making the hit track, "Animals."
The mood was so depressing, that a storm actually hit us during mid-day. It was a glorious site to see. There were thousands of sad boys and girls crying together in unison. Everybody evacuated to inside the stadium, effectively destroying their molly high.
This was a true sadboy moment indeed.
At the end of night, everybody was all messed up by the stage's chemtrails and the never ending wave of bass drops, "put your hands up," "NY are you feeling it?," and "let's go harder!" This is the future of American crowd control. This is the future of my anxiety.
I looked up to see the fireworks and I saw a sad, smirk face.
At the end, I was all alone at EDC. I was super depressed, so I bought a six-pack of $10 Bud Light and started reading A Brave New World on my iPhone.
On Sunday, I drove up to Woodstock to check up on Misery Land. I came in with a bunch of sad friends (I told you misery loves company). I was told I had to load credit into my wrist band and I was immediately shocked by this invasion of privacy. This was pretty much a training ground for RFID implants. I tried to complain to the cashier at the booth, but instead she welcomed me to "Misery Land." She was so unchill, so I sang her Zedd's "Clarity" while I walked away.
Since I was already in a bad mood, I kept yelling, "When will the bass drop?" and everybody kept pointing towards the main stage. Upon arrival, I bumped into the only Davincii fan on site. He was most certainly turnt up to death.
To my surprise, Misery Land actually had a sad stage. Everybody looked super depressed and they even had a death face spewing more sad chemtrails. This was by far, my favorite stage. They played the deepest of all music... Trench House.
This FEMA Camp/Detention center stage was pretty flagrant and sad. They actually had white busses inside to shuttle everybody to their doom. Talk about brainwashing people. This prison stage was too much for me, so I left.
I decided to head towards the sad ship stage. On my way I saw the saddest, most emotionally disturbed Ty Bear Bro.
As I got closer to Holy Shipwrecked, I ran into real, life size Ty Bear Bros, who were also sad and crying. I offered them my super chill maple bacon stick in exchange for a picture.
I fought my way through the crowd to get to the DJ booth. I met a girl who was crying with a Bro Safari head. I was excited to see Bro Safari (Nick is a true sadboy), but I was more excited to see why this girl was crying. I had a feeling Nick was up to something.
When I finally got up there, Bro Safari was DJing and crying at the same damn time! Amazing. Emotional Trap rules!
After his set, we ran into another sadboy soldier - Kill the Noise. If you really want to be sad, go read Jake's tweets on the current state of the EDM. I wanted to get in on the photo selfie action, but my sadboy photographer friend, Andrew, was nowhere to be found. Like every one else in life, he abandoned me. He's probably smiling somewhere with someone famous... h8 him.
After wandering around, buying beers with my wristband, I ran into a pretty intelligent looking bro with a plastic tuxedo coverall. I asked him what his thoughts were on the current situation in Ukraine and he said, "Is that next to the main stage?" I left. At the end of the night, I made my way back to the main stage. I noticed that there were more sad gas spewing all over the crowd and a really mean looking death ray. I h8 this place so much.
I saw a funny looking drone in the sky. I guess it was doing a practice run on targetting bros. I tried to hit it with a rock, but then two security guards came up to me and tried kicked me out for being a "threat." I couldn't reason with them, so instead, I pretended to act dumb and talked about how happy and awesome this place was and how cool the vibe is and how amazing the music and experience is, etc... etc... They let me go.
At the end of the night, I found a teddy bear throne and spent the rest of the night contemplating on what all of this meant. Maybe I'm just a Ty Bear Bro inside? Maybe I need more soma? Maybe I'm a beta? Maybe I'm not getting my money back that's credited to my bracelet? Maybe I should've stayed at EDC? ...or maybe I'm sad because I haven't listened to the new Disney EDM album yet... such tragedy, many tears... forever #sadboy.
