Image via Complex Original
Over the years, J. Cole has stolen many things: The hearts of millions, Kanye's release date (Born Sinner, in stores June 18!), and—not surprisingly—your girl. Over and over again, Cole has had his way with her: He's crushed on her and subsequently crushed her; he's paid attention to your girl when you couldn't be bothered. Cole, like most young rappers, isn't really a tough guy. So one way to talk tough without having to be gangster is to claim you can steal someone's girl, which is pretty cool and doesn't have to be violent.
When you (all of you) were away, Cole and his eyebrows stuck around, only getting more comfortable. You're probably angry, but you probably need proof. So, Complex hired the best private eyes around—ItsTheReal's Eric and Jeff Rosenthal—to go through A History of J. Cole Rapping About Stealing Your Girl. Enjoy? Enjoy!
Written by Eric Rosenthal & Jeff Rosenthal (@ItsTheReal)
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"If real recognize real, y'all are foreign/My team run a play on your bitch and we all scoring, yeah!"
Song: "Goin Off" (2007)
Album: The Come Up Mixtape Vol. 1
Teamwork makes the Dreamville work! Play like champions today, fellas! As legendary basketball coach Phil Jackson once said, "The strength of the team is each individual member. The strength of each member is the team."
"The flows get tighter, them hoes get looser/Then they wanna seduce ya like Medusa, be cool/I said I got a girl, she told me, "Me too!"/So that must mean you want a nigga to eat that seafood/Baby don't be foolish but call her I'll watch her do it."
Song: "Royal Flush" (2009)
Album: The Warm Up
Just when they thought they were safe, ladies can lose their girlfriends to J. Cole, too. Tsk tsk. You can never be too careful around that guy.
"I'mma follow in my car; I'mma cut in front of his/Run him right into the wall, maybe even off the bridge/I give her a little time, then console her while she crying/She gon' take that as a sign; finally she will be mine."
Song: "Dreams" (2009)
Album: The Warm Up
Yup, she's just going to run into your arms after you ALMOST KILL HER BY T-BONING THE TOYOTA SHE'S SITTING IN. What's Cole's BAC? Who prescribed these crazy pills? Someone sit Cole in a windowless room and have him sleep the effects off.
"Seems like I always had crushes on chicks I couldn't have/And then I end up fucking with someone I shouldn't have."
Song: "Dreams" (2009)
Album: The Warm Up
PROTIP: Befriend the guy who's dating the girl you're crushing on, and convince him that it ain't no fun if the homie can't get none. A+
"Yeah, you swear your girl is faithful; everything ain't what it seems/See, I seen how she glance and look away like she want it/I ain't saying I'mma fuck her, but I could if I wanted."
Song: "Dolla and a Dream II" (2009)
Album: The Warm Up
"Mom, how did you and Dad meet?" "Well, baby, I was seeing someone at the time. Bill was his name. Now, Bill and I were faithful to one another, he was a good man. But your father came along and said, 'I ain't saying I'mma fuck her, but I could if I wanted', and I knew this was who I wanted to be with for the rest of my life." — Your girlfriend, eight years from now.
"Cause man they keep on checking for me especially all your hoes, nigga/Catch me on your doorstep you see me let me in."
Song: "Beautiful Bliss" (2009)
Album: Attention Deficit
Looks like Cole's looking for hoes on housecalls now. Honestly, Mr. Cole might have a prostitution problem, but as long as Mr. C's doing it in the privacy of—hm, that nickname seems natural and not-at-all created just to make this very lame joke. What a weird coincidence!
"Fayettenam on my back like some scratches from your lady/On your mattress where they gave me that/I bet niggas can't wait to pay me back."
Song: "Water Break (Interlude)" (2009)
Album: The Warm Up
Before you get all nervous that your girl has been straying, or thinking that J. Cole slept with your woman on your bed, and he's flaunting it right in your face... have you ever considered the idea that maybe, just maybe, your lady-friend has a part-time massage business that she operates from your home while you're at work?
And that maybe, just maybe, she's not very good at her new side-job, and leaves scratches on her customers? And that maybe, just maybe, she's so ashamed of her poor performance that she didn't want to tell you that customers like J. Cole might want their money back, but she's already spent it on a better manicure, and you'll have to pay him instead? Have you ever considered that?! Try not jumping to conclusions next time.
"Yeah, she said I got a man/Well baby I don't give a fuck."
Song: "Ladies" (2009)
Album: The Warm Up
WAS THIS J. COLE IS THROWING SHOTS AT YOUNG MC?!?!?! UH OH!!! (Spoiler Alert: Probably not.)
"I hit her til she snooze, like the news nigga nightly/Send her back to you when she no longer excites me/Now she bitter with this nigga cuz he ain't quite me."
Song: "The Autograph" (2010)
Album: Friday Night Lights
Hmmm... I'm honestly not sure what the return policy is, Mr. Cole. And you say, "no longer excites me" is your reason for return? I mean, for computers, camcorders, digital cameras, digital music players, e-tablets, e-readers, portable video players, GPS units, video game hardware, pre-paid cell phones, and post-paid cell phones, you can return them within two weeks if you have a receipt. But this is a... human woman? Hold on, I need to call for a manager.
"Late night, with ya wife in ya crib sneaker/When you out of town, and you not around."
Song: "Relaxation" (2010)
Album: Higher Learning Vol. 2
This is straight out of the music video for R. Kelly's "Down Low," with J. Cole playing the part of R. Kelly, the straight-laced, good-looking low-man-on-the-totem pole under Mr. Biggs. Important quotes from the music video include: Biggs imploring Kelly to take Biggs' wife out, "Take her shopping, give her anything she wants, but you are never to touch her." When Kelly assures him everything is copacetic, Biggs replies, "Don't fuck me, Kelly." He doesn't; he fucks Biggs' wife. If Cole doesn't incorporate a "Down Low" video reenactment into his live show, we're all fucked.
"How you figure it's gon' last? He just sit up on his ass/And play that damn Xbox that you copped for him/Buyou, buyou, how much to try you?/Ain't sayin you for sale but baby let's be for real/Buyou, buyou, shit that I could buy you."
Song: "Buyou" (2010)
Album: No Boys Allowed
So while you play your XBox, J. Cole plays with your ex-bo...nevermind. I was going to say it, but at the last second, I was just like: nope.
"Heard you looking for trouble, what, I'm supposed to run?/Yo bitch invited me inside her, ain't I supposed to cum?"
Song: "Looking For Trouble" (2010)
Album: Friday Night Lights
Attention all sixth grade health class students, I'm your substitute teacher, Mr. Cole. Here now, is your year's worth of curriculum in eleven words...
"Uh, what up girl, tell me how you feeling/You look sweet enough to make a nigga need a filling/If you got a man, do that nigga need a fill-in?"
Song: "Higher" (2010)
Album: Friday Night Lights
Let's all agree that there's no one you'd rather have steal your girl than J. Cole. He's charming, he's polite, he's fun, he's cool, and in this instance, he's very proper. Instead of barging in and dragging your girl off like some caveman, he inquires as to whether or not he may step in to have this dance. And by "dance," Cole means engage in unique kinds of sexual relations with this girl while her sucker of a man wonders why life dealt him such a crappy card. After all is said and done, Cole tips his hat, extends his hand, bids his lady adieu, and helps an elderly woman across the street.
"Do you get brains? Did you make the honor roll?/Don't worry about your man baby, he ain't gotta know."
Song: "Higher" (2010)
Album: Friday Night Lights
You have no idea what your girl is up to: not only is she cheating on you with J. Cole (yes, the rapper J. Cole), but she's getting her hair and nails done and putting on nice clothes and coming home at weird hours. You don't notice anything, maybe you guys were never dating and you never knew it.
"She let that nigga make it rain, but guess who got it wetter?"
Song: "Neverland" (2011)
Album: Any Given Sunday Vol. 1
Who got it wetter? Okay, three guesses... 1.) Neptune, the Roman god of freshwater and the sea. No? Okay... 2.) Poseidon, the Greek god of the sea? No? Really, I would have put money on that guess. Alright... 3.) I have no idea. I give up. Just tell me. I don't want to play this game anymore. I'm leaving.
"I'm witcha girl, you home alone, bitch you Macauley Culkin."
Song: "Fitted Cap" (2011)
Album: Self Made Vol. 1
Bummer. J. Cole's giving your girl the 'wet bandit' treatment and all you can do is AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
"She had a man, I be damned, think I might love her/Thought about her ass for the whole damn summer/Man I even memorized her whole damn number/This is my semester dog, I'm coming to arrest her/Y'all you know, handcuff her, her ex-man, fuck him."
Song: "Like A Star" (2011)
Album: Any Given Sunday Vol. 1
Hmmm... this line is juuuuuuuust this side of a horror movie. That said, here are some J. Cole horror movie titles: Deep, Dark, Cole World, I Know What You Sold Last Summer, Jermaine's Gone Insane, Ghoully Yours... J. Cole, and Born Dinner. That last one is if he wanted to go into cannibal territory.
"Not because his verse or cause I can buy purse/you know the type of shit that your man can only purchase on the first/And not because he faker than turf/Softer than Nerf footballs/I got his girl's lip gloss all on my girth."
Song: "Bring Em In" (2011)
Album: Any Given Sunday Vol. 2
It's clear that J. Cole doesn't like the person in question. He calls him a poor rapper, a poor man, and apparently a poor judge of character, the way he picks his girlfriends. And obviously J. Cole stole the girl away. But what would make the level of disrespect even deeper? If the guy in question was Cole's physician, and Cole went in for his annual physical, only for his doc to find his own girl's lip gloss.
"I ain't bitter boy, that's all you/Plus I just fucked her before she called you."
Song: "God's Gift" (2011)
Album: Cole World: The Sideline Story
Wait... how long before she called me? Like, 3 years before she called me? Cool. 3 months before she called me? I mean, okay, I guess. 3 weeks before she called me? Less okay. 3 hours before she called me? Well that's just not nice. But, like, RIGHT BEFORE she called me, like 3 minutes before?? The only way that that's okay is if she butt-dialed me. Only then is all forgiven.
"Cole world, same nigga that used to drive around with yo girl."
Song: "Rise and Shine" (2011)
Album: Cole World: The Sideline Story
There are many advantages to carpooling: it's environmentally friendly, it reduces fuel costs per person, and it means less traffic on the roads. Oh, and it's code for J. Cole riding your girl.
"Nigga how high? So high that I could touch the sky/How sick? so sick that I could fuck yo bitch/Nigga please, my squad stack plenty of G's/And if your girl like to smoke we got plenty of trees."
Song: "How High" (2011)
Album: Any Given Sunday Vol. 1
A LIST OF OLD WIVES TALES TO GET OVER A BAD CASE OF THE FLU: Carry garlic around your neck; starve a fever; have sex with some guy's girlfriend. It may not work 100% of the time, but 100% of the time it's worth trying.
"Hey, as the troubles of the world unfurl, my niggas hit the trees like squirrels/Trying to get a nut with your girl."
Song: "How High" (2011)
Album: Any Given Sunday Vol. 1
Right, sure, when the world is collapsing in on itself, your girl is top priority. F the cheerleader, save the world or whatever. Now, I never saw Heroes or even Lord of the Rings—yeah, yeah, sue me, nerds—but I imagine that's what this is like.
"And my hoes is thicker, and all of yours is picking me."
Song: "Rise and Shine" (2011)
Album: Cole World: The Sideline Story
If I understand this correctly—and maybe I don't—Cole claims to have a stable of thick hoes, but he's bragging about winning over the non-thick hoes you call your own. This is some playground bully behavior. I would never want to hang out with this guy in elementary school. His thick hoes, sure, but not him.
"Well it's cool, I'll pick you up/Hold you down, lift you up/These other niggas try and fuck/I'm the only one who cut and still came back to stitch you up/So we fuck, say what?/You ain't been home lately, you ain't heard that nigga/Her man left cause she cheated on his ass."
Song: "Pray" (2012)
Album: Jesus Piece
Her man left because of you, Cole! It's your fault! No remorse. Cold world.
"I went to school with niggas, snatched they bitch then tutor niggas."
Song: "Diamonds" (2012)
Album: Mac & Cheese 3
Top 10 Most Likely Subjects J. Cole Would Tutor You In: 10) Women's Studies 9) Feminist Theory 8) Decolonizing Feminism 7) Feminist Methodology 6) Caribbean Woman Writers and Migratory Subjects 5) Dentistry 4) Feminist Analysis 3) French Cultural Studies 2) Quantum Physics 1) Stealing Your Girl
"I'm in your city and I'm wondering if you're home now/Went and found a man, but I'm hopin' you alone now."
Song: "Power Trip" (2013)
Album: Born Sinner
And if you're not alone, then hey, he can watch, right? What's the likelihood that he's a J. Cole fan and would accept an autograph in exchange for a bed sesh? Even just to shake his hand, oh man, what a dream as J. Cole's having sex three feet away. Maybe Cole would talk about his new album, out in stores on June 18th, and whether or not he's worried about being outsold by Kanye or even Mac Miller. Well, I guess that's all for now. Goodnight, diary!
"Fucked yo bitch, nigga I ain't ask/She pitched it to me like Sosa (Oh God)/What the fuck was I supposed do?/Deny that, rather try that, but I never fly that."
Song: "Niggaz Know" (2013)
Album: Born Sinner
Before you freak out and press the button for the UOENO police on your speed dial, Cole's saying that he didn't have to get your girl's permission slip signed because she was the aggressor here. Case closed, everyone go to bed. Actually...no. Someone call the UOENO police on his behalf; Cole clearly got taken advantage of here. He was just minding his business, walking down the street, and BAM there's vagina in his face. Sexual ickiness goes both ways, kids. Be safe.
"Picture me at the tip-top/With your bitch lip-locked on my dick when my shit drop."
Song: "Niggaz Know" (2013)
Album: Born Sinner
As a HELICOPTER circles a snow-capped mountain top, we see J. COLE celebrating another successful journey, surrounded by friends, exhausted but jubilant. One celebrant in particular, ANGELA, gorgeous still in her North Face climbing gear, sneaks a peek over at J.Cole, who calls for everyone to come over for a group picture with his KODAK EASYSHARE CAMERA.
J. Cole catches her eye and flashes her a crooked smile. ANGELA turns to HER MAN, who sits on the ground; she tries to cajole him into joining the group shot. Red-faced and tired, he waves her off. Angela turns around to see Cole calling for her to be a part of the picture. She leaves her man, and walks over to the group, kneels down right in front of Cole and turns her head back to camera with a knowing smile. Close up of ANGELA'S FACE with KODAK logo over the top. J. Cole: Rap Game Don Draper.
"Had a nigga baby, little mans don't know/Mama was a freak, got it laying on the low/10 years later when my song come on he like, 'Mama, did you fuck J. Cole?' Whoa."
Song: "Trouble" (2013)
Album: Born Sinner
Dear future child (or children) of J. Cole... Please know that J. Cole and your mother never had any thought you'd find out this way. (Truthfully, they never had any thoughts that there'd be a you at all). Please know that Cole loved your mother a lot (that one night), and that he respected her a great deal (enough to not mention her name in his lyrics). Please know that this is no reflection on you (other than when you look in the mirror), and you should be extremely proud of the smart, thoughtful, and kind person you've become (EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT YOU'RE A 10-YEAR-OLD ASKING YOUR MOTHER, "DID YOU FUCK J. COLE?"!!!). Good luck with the rest of life, kid(s).