Justin Bieber’s Pets: A Complete History

Justin Bieber is like the sketchy, black-market, PETA-enraging Dr. Dolittle of pop music. Over the years, he’s played pet dad to at least three dogs, a cat, a hamster, a snake, and even a monkey, most of which he’s discarded like a worn-out purple hoodie.

This week, Biebs picked up a new puppy, and given his history as an absentee pet parent, it's only natural to fear for the Yorkshire terrier’s well-being. A new puppy is good for about a million Instagram likes, but the home of a pop star with protracted pubescence is hardly an environment fit for an animal—hamster, snake, cat, puppy, or otherwise.

As Esther the terrier gazes directly into the jaws of almost certain death, we thought this would be a good opportunity to reflect on the many pets of Bieber’s past and present. For posterity, here is a complete index of Justin Bieber’s animal companions. Never forget.

Sammy the Papillion was Justin’s first rescue. This cuddly creature spent much of his time living with Justin’s grandparents while the Biebs was away on tour. Though the pooch passed away last December, Sammy was of great comfort to Justin in early times of strife, like when his hair-swoop wouldn’t sit just right.

Justin walked the MTV VMA red carpet in 2011 with Johnson the Snake on his wrist, ushering in an image transformation for Bieber, from “seemingly-normal Canadian teen boy” to “eccentric weirdo millionaire teen who thinks snakes really make an outfit pop.” Justin auctioned off Johnson for charity shortly after the event, and the serpent now resides at the Reptile & Amphibian Discovery Zoo in Owatonna, MN, where he’s comfortably recovering from post-traumatic snake disorder.

Pac the Hamster’s friendship with Justin was fast and fleeting. After a few short months living in Justin’s front pocket, Bieber gave Pac away to a fan in the front row of one of his concerts in 2013. The hamster passed away shortly after, and while the California Hamster Association (which is apparently a thing?) believes the cause of death was “sudden environmental change,” many conspiracy theorists indirectly blame Suge Knight for Pac’s death.

Mally is probably the most famous capuchin this side of Marcel and the dapper Ikea Monkey, and by now, everyone’s heard the story of how Bieber abandoned him in Germany. But, did you know that Mally is the MF DOOM of monkeys? Don’t be fooled by a faux-reunion between Bieber and a Mally imposter on the upcoming Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber. A spokesperson for the Hodenhagen Serengeti Wildlife Park confirmed that the real Mally never left the park. Monkey mimicry is rampant in 2015, people. Stay woke.

Tuts is the only one of Justin’s pets to have its own Twitter account, and she probably has more followers than you. The orange tabby has a scowl that rivals the Internet’s favourite multi-meowllionaire meme, and she probably hates Mondays and loves lasagna, too. If you’re looking for a followback, or a RT bump on your fire mixtape, don’t get your hopes up—Tuts’ Twitter account has been dormant since October. Let’s hope she hasn’t joined Pac in celebrity pet heaven just yet. #prayfortuts

Justin’s American Bulldog Karma used to stay with proud papa and parental parasite Jeremy Bieber, until Karma bit Justin’s younger brother Jaxon, and Jeremy tossed the dog off of a second-storey balcony and into the snow. The dog now resides with its trainer, and Jeremy Bieber remains blissfully unaware of the profound circumstantial doom that awaits him at every turn after throwing a puppy named Karma off of a balcony.

A tiny Yorkshire terrier puppy is the newest addition to Bieber’s fickle petting zoo of horrors. Justin welcomed Esther to the fold on March 22, but given his brief relationships with Pac, Mally, Johnson, and Karma, he’s probably already bored of her. As long as Esther is chill, and doesn’t narc on Bieber’s brothel visits, late night drag racing, and racially-tinged egg assaults, she might survive a few months.