30 mistakes you need to make before 30

The great Carrie Bradshaw once said, “Enjoy yourself--that’s what your 20s are for. Your 30s are to learn the lessons. Your 40s are to pay for the drinks.” Indeed, how can you be expected to act like an adult, when it takes at least five years to learn how to drink, and another five to learn not to?

Your 20s truly are the best of times and the worst of times, when messing up big time doesn’t lead to equally disastrous consequences. This list of 30 mistakes you need to make before 30 goes out to all my 20-somethings out there who are not on Forbes’ 30 under 30 list.

Yes. Fired. Even better if it’s from a high-profile “dream job.” It might sting at first, but let the tears flow and realize this is a blessing. The truth is: Our egos bruise far more easily than our wallets, but don’t take it personally. Losing a job you love will teach you never to take an opportunity for granted. On the flip side, getting fired from a job you hate will help you find a career that makes you happy.

Learning the right things to say during an interview is as much about learning what to say as it is about what not to say. Interviewing takes practice, and it’s not the kind of thing you can really rehearse with a friend. Know that you will make a complete ass of yourself in front of at least a few people, no matter how smart you are or how impressive your resumé. Fact: I once cracked an abortion joke during an interview. No matter what level professional embarrassment you may have suffered, I’ve probably got you beat.

Not on the regular, but if you’re going to black out, do it in your 20s. For one thing, it’s not as pathetic; you can still blame your youth. Secondly, your body is in a better position to handle this kind of abuse. If you haven’t discovered this already, our livers age in dog years.

I’m not talking about anything a frantic visit to the doctor and a Z-Pak can’t fix. Even if it’s just an ingrown hair and too much time on WebMD that sends you flying to the nearest walk-in clinic, whatever it takes to get you to protect yourself will suffice. Your junk is not invincible, but latex practically is.

Hit rock bottom, don’t leave the couch for days, binge-watch Netflix and don’t come up for air until you’ve rewatched all seven seasons of Mad Men. Afterwards, you’ll have lost at least five pounds and the notion that you need anyone but yourself.

The one that got away will punch a hole in your heart to remind you that you have one. It’s true that sometimes we only realize what we want after it’s gone, even if it only occurs to us months or years after the fact.

Go through phases and get it out of your system before you have enough money to do any permanent damage to your wardrobe. Your style will develop along with your personality and your body–both of which are ripe for change before you turn 30. Enjoy those super low-rise jeans while you can.

If you’re going to find yourself in a non-sexy pair of handcuffs, do it at an age when it’s still acceptable to call your parents to bail you out.

Sex out of spite (e.g. sleeping with your ex’s best friend) won’t make you feel any better, and the older you get, the less tolerable this kind of selfish and short-sighted behavior becomes.

Put your life skills to the test. Bonus points if you can’t use your cell phone for help and don’t speak the local language. Chances are, you’ll discover more than just the city’s sights and sounds. Sometimes, getting lost is the only way to find yourself.

Before you turn 30, most of society is content to look the other way when they catch you shitfaced and squatting next to a dumpster while relieving yourself. After 30, they’ll probably call the cops. Keep in mind: You can get arrested for public urination at any age–in case you want to kill two birds with one stone (see No. 8).

Do it for the thrill (maybe because both your roommates are home), and then quickly realize that it’s never practical and rarely enjoyable.

See also: musician and bartender. You think it makes you super cool and special, but it doesn’t. You might even do it again in your 30s, except you won’t care when he doesn’t text you the next morning.

Enjoy your metabolism while it lasts–because pretty soon, it’s going to start working part-time.

This is literally the last time in your life that you’ll have the time or patience to do something as stupid as count carbs. If that’s the way you want to spend those years, be my guest, but not to dinner.

After 30, you’ll realize the “bad boy” is really just a bad person.

Hopefully, it’s something you can remove or easily conceal for a job interview. Let it serve as a reminder of why it’s important not to drink and make permanent life decisions. Just don’t be like my ex, and get a massive “Parental Advisory” sticker tattooed to most of your bicep.

You’re not spending much of your time there anyway, so if you’re going to live in a sixth-floor walk-up with no sunlight and four roommates, do it now. Eventually, it will be the reason you start looking for a better job, so you can move out.

It’s hard to resist bargain prices and Swedish modern design (and meatballs), but try putting together an entire bedroom set on your own. By the time you’re done figuring that out, you’ll be 30.

The tickets are overpriced, the sound quality is subpar, and the weather is either ninth-circle-of-hell hot or inclement. It’s also probably where you got your STD. None of this matters to you, though, because your ass looks great in those high-waisted jorts.

The club is never that fun, and you can wait another week for the latest iPhone. Save your energy and patience for the post office and TSA.

You’re probably just starting to make your own money, and maybe your parents are still helping you out. Plus, your expenses all still relatively low, thanks to your roommates and Obamacare. Make it rain.

This sort of youthful overestimation of one’s own dexterity is understandable in your 20s. After that, it’s a 2007 Britney Spears-level cry for help.

Your body will probably never look this good again. So if you must send NSFW selfies, do it before gravity catches up with you.

This just gets creepier as you age, and more importantly, as they age.

After-parties are just louder, drunker unemployment lines. Unless it comes with a printed invitation and an open bar, you’ll learn it’s not worth losing sleep over. But for now, let your FOMO trick you into believing it’s worth it. Some of your best mistakes will be made between the hours of 2 and 6 a.m.

Paying $300 for a bottle that costs $40 is only cool before you have real-life expenses. It’s a lot less fun after you realize you’re drinking a car payment.

Club promoters are not your friends, but you’ll only realize that after your idea of a fun Saturday night evolves out of the club and into a Snuggie. In all fairness, it’s hard to be a good judge of character when you’re still developing yours.

Cover charges are for tourists and people who don’t have real friends or jobs. Consider it a down payment on developing a better sense of self, so you never feel the need to pay to have fun again.

Everyone’s young and hot, so get it on. Sexual third wheels will invite nothing but trouble when you’re older, and may be looking for a deeper connection with just one human being. Plus, you’re more flexible now than you ever will be.