Image via Complex Original
Love isn’t always the easiest road to navigate, but there are simple adjustments you can make to upgrade a partnership. Most of them involve taking responsibility for your own shit, becoming more self-aware, and getting clear on what love is—and what it isn’t.
Here are eight things that interfere with creating a healthy relationship.
1. You believe it’s your partner’s job to make you happy
A relationship can bring joy and self-growth, but expecting it to be your sole source of happiness will set you up for disappointment. For one, an individual should be responsible for their own happiness; although relationships provide love and support, they also come with challenges. When two people’s habits, preferences, and pasts collide, there’s bound to be tension.
Expecting your significant other's presence to give you a never-ending well of happiness will make it less likely for you to work through tough issues and overlook minor incompatibilities.
In short: It’s not your partner’s responsibility to make you happy, and it’s not yours to make them happy. Got it?
2. You’re not self-reflecting
It's easy to blame your partner for relationship dissatisfaction, but self-reflection is a useful tool to mitigate conflict. That said, even the most self-aware people can find themselves blaming their partner for problems in a relationship. But frequently, they're not the fault of only one person, so blaming is a useless tactic that will keep you mired in conflict.
Your relationship can only become a true partnership when both of you shoulder some responsibility, and reflect on how you may be contributing to any tension. Do the inner work necessary to be an understanding and compassionate partner.
3. You’re holding your partner to an impossible standard
Everyone has expectations when it comes to relationships, but holding your partner to an impossible standard, and expecting them to be some idealized version of themselves is dangerous.
When you’re with someone, accept who they really are, flaws and all. Not a perfect version. Not a changed future version. The current version. They will make mistakes. They will disappoint you. All that matters if what you do when those moments come up. And, if your expectations of them are beyond what they could ever fulfill, you’re both gearing up for disappointment.
4. You’re comparing your relationship to other relationships
While it may seem like everyone (and their life coach) knows exactly how a relationship “should” be, the only people that know what works for a relationship are the two people in it. Everyone’s relationship is different because people are different. One person’s deal-breaker is another person’s meh. By comparing your relationship to others, you’re removing yourself from your own experience and placing unreasonable expectations on your partner.
Also, nobody’s relationship IRL is ever how it’s presented on social media—that’s just fact. A relationship is too layered and complex to be accurately represented via an Instagram post or a Facebok photo album. There’s no sense in comparing your life, your feelings, and your relationship to the shiny parts of other people’s lives.
5. You’re not being as understanding as you should be
Relationships require a heavy dose of compassion and even more understanding. Humans will be humans; we'll screw up in any number of ways. So, if you and your partner aren't willing to bring your most thoughtful, loving selves to a relationship, then it’s not worth investing your energy in trying to give it an honest go.
In a truly vulnerable and open relationship, your partner knows all of your least desirable traits. But if neither of you embrace this kind of exposure with compassion, you're doomed to have a rough ride. Vulnerability is scary and uncomfortable, but it’s an essential part of truly connecting with another human being.
6. You don’t know what your ideal partnership looks like
If you haven’t considered the nitty-gritty of your ideal relationship, then you’re probably dealing with some dissatisfaction. Sure, there are big moments in relationships, like falling in love, and having sex all day in bed, and laughing until you can't breathe, but Real Life hits eventually.
When incompatibilities arise, that’s when your relationship is tested to its limit. When you have to think about finances, household duties, how you like to spend free time, and how your friends and families are integrated into your lives—these are all integral parts of a successful partnership that can't be ignored. To understand your respective expectations and desires, you must discuss the more mundane and adult-y aspects of your shared life.
7. You’re not dealing with your own issues
It's really easy to take out your issues on a partner. Sometimes, it’s so easy that you don’t even know you’re doing it until you gain a bit of self-awareness. In a partnership, you’re a team. You both need to be shouldering the ups and downs of life together.
A good relationship is supportive, but you can only accept help from another person after dealing with whatever is going on in your own life, and taking full responsibility for your own baggage. Part of growing in a relationship is putting in the work to grow yourself.
8. You’re not allowing your relationship to evolve
The best relationships evolve and grow, but that means you both need to keep choosing each other as each of you become different versions of yourselves. Love is a daily choice. You have to give your significant other room to grow—and they need to do the same for you.
You can’t hold your partner down, and demand they stay the same person they were when you fell in love. You also have to love whatever version of themselves they grow into. That’s real love, and it's the kind of love we all need.
