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Men want hot women. Hot women want oral sex. Not only do you need to do it, you need to know how to do it well—and you need to keep doing it until you are told to stop. If you do it wrong, she will see you as an amateur, an idiot, a beta-male douchebag who is not worthy of her sexual powers. If you do it right, she will see you as a king. Most men are, at best, mediocre at cunnilingus. So, if you can raise yourself above the mediocre majority and become an exceptional expert, you will become the man that every woman wants. Here is how most men are doing it wrong—and how YOU will do it right.
Dr. Alex Schiller is a sociosexual psychologist who brings hot singles together through her hilarious live show, Never Sleep Alone. Follow her on Twitter at @NeverSleepAlone.
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Don't Go Too Fast
The number one mistake men make is taking the oral sex encounter too fast. This isn't a race. You are a poor child in a war-torn country. It’s Christmas at the orphanage, and she is the only gift you are getting, so you’d better savor every second of the only happiness you will receive all year long. The slower you go, the faster she comes.
Don't Ask Her to Wash Up
She's clean, dude. Never suggest a woman shower or shave before you go down on her. The vagina is a self-cleansing eco-system. Asking a woman to shower or shave before you go down on her is like scraping all the toppings off a gourmet pizza before you eat it. That's something only annoying little fuckboys do.
Don't Ask Her to Sit On Your Face
Guess what. Your face is not comfortable. She does not want to sit on it. Unless it's shaped like a recliner, sitting on your face is work, and that's exactly what she does not want to do. The only reason why she would want to sit on your face is because you have already given her an MBO (mind blowing orgasm) and she wants to reward you, or she believes you will never give her an MBO and therefore wants to smother you to death.
Don't Be Sloppy
Do not rush the pussy. It's very important to slow the fuck down. When you move too fast, you throw off your A game and get messy. She doesn't want your drool puddling beneath her and getting all over her silk sheets. Take your time, do it right.
Don't Think It's Your Turn
Don't stop because you think it's your turn. It's not. This isn't about you. Never assume she’s had an orgasm. She's not your bitch. You keep going until you are told to stop. You will know when she has had enough because she will either push you away in annoyance and disgust, or arch her back like she's auditioning for cirque du soleil.
Don't Forget Who's Boss
Once you go down there, all bets are off. She is in control and you are more pitiful than the Philadelphia 76ers. Don't get fired. No matter how many women you’ve had before, she tastes the best. She smells the best. She looks the best. She feels the best. She is the best.
Don't Wait For Your Dream Girl
If there is a particular woman you want, you can bet your ass there are at least ten other guys going after her at any given time. You are not a celebrity, you are not a billionaire, you are not a professional athlete, and you are not a Disney prince. Being a good muff diver is the only way you will ever be any woman's ideal man. Waiting for the "right one" is bush league. Give it 100%, every time.
Don't Be an Amateur
If you’re taking her back to your place, it better be clean, your fridge better be stocked, your music better be good and your cock-blocking roommate better be elsewhere. This isn't amateur hour.
Don't Forget to Do Your Homework
Your favorite porn is not going to teach you how to eat pussy. You can learn everything you need to know about how a woman wants you to go down on her by consulting the following three sources: Dirty Dancing, Fifty Shades of Grey and the Colin Farrell sex tape. Eat pussy like Patrick Swayze dances. Eat pussy like Christian Gray spends money. Eat Pussy like Colin Farrell eats pussy.
Own It
Nobody wants an awkward and self-deprecating pussy eater. Don’t be hesitant in your words or actions, and don’t make dumbass jokes. She doesn’t want Seth Rogen going down on her. She wants James Bond going down on her. When having an oral encounter, always think, WWJD? What Would James Do? I’ll tell you: He'd watch her whimper like a vestal virgin about to violate her vows and then give her the best orgasm of her life. He would make love to her pussy with his mouth. Do what James does. Do what I say. And I promise you, you will Never Sleep Alone.